We Are Breaking Up

For such a long time you were exactly what I needed.  I can't count how many sweat drops poured out while I was with you.  Pounds were lost.  Confidence found.  Friendships strengthened.  Fears crushed.  Barriers broken.  A community found.  For right around 18 months you were how I started my day.  I ran to you for sanctuary when everything in my world came crashing down.  Many Saturday afternoons were spent bringing my children to you for some splishing and splashing. You were my safe place.

Then everything changed.

The demands upon me changed.  Three children, added to my already four children, came to my home for love and safety.  As a single parent working a full-time job suddenly with a newborn and all the demands a newborn brings and a 3 year old with extreme night terrors...time with you was out of the question.  My body shifted to basic survival mode. At the same time my personal world experienced another shift....an end, one that wasn't expected BUT needed.  Everything I had was put into meeting the needs of seven children on my own.

After 9 months the three children returned to their mother.  As much as I rejoiced in this happening, I found my arms empty and my heart broken.  I had much healing to do.

Survival mode was now shifting to resting.  I needed to rest.  Rest my heart.  Rest my soul.  Rest my body.

Where were you?  Where was that community I had found?  No one called me asking how I was doing?  You took my money every month even though I objected.  I asked for a delay.  I asked for you to give me some time.  You told me there was nothing you could do.  You took my money every month.  In 12 months I came to you maybe 10 times and paid well over $1200.  So basically each visit cost me over $100.  You continued to take when I had nothing left to give. 

As I changed, as my needs changed, you refused to help or change with me. 

So today I am coming to you and we are officially breaking up.  I can't keep investing in you and you not being willing to invest in me.  I want a relationship that will yield mutual beneficial results.  I want a relationship that will change together.

It's been a while since I found what I needed. Yet, I held on to you, worried this new relationship wasn't going to work out.  With so many broken promises in my past, I wasn't fully ready to be all in.  I did hold on just in case I need to come back to you. I held to the idea that at one time you were everything I needed. Couldn't you be again? 

I can't be part in and part out any longer.  It's time for me to jump.  It's time for me to stop driving past you wondering. The only one to hurt from all this was me. You never even once acknowledged my absence.  I held back from giving my all to my new relationship and by doing so I held back on me.  I doubted.  I feared.  I struggled. 

NO MORE!

We are breaking up!

I am ready to be all in.  I am ready to dedicate myself to my new relationship.  I am ready to invest in me and my children.  I am ready to stop wasting $100 a month because I am afraid to let you go. I have found a community that is genuinely invested in my success.  I have found a way to combine fitness and family in the same activity.  I am better able to model good behavior for my children because I am here for them to see me.  You never allowed my little ones to be with me. Now my babies, not just the teenage ones can experience this right along with me.  When I have struggled, my new community has checked on me, encouraged me and fought right along side me. In addition, as I have invested in this new relationship, I have found a financial opportunity that I could never have dreamed about.  How amazing is that?  Can you believe it?  A health and fitness relationship that doesn't take my money every month and never care a bit about me.  I have found something I am able to align myself with in balance with who and what I am about...faith, family, fitness, food and fun. 

So here I go.  I am headed over to the gym to cancel my membership.  That moment will allow me to truly JUMP into my Beachbody involvement.  So just in case any one doesn't know, I want it to be perfectly clear, I am an active Beachbody coach.  I love this company and the team I am surrounded by. It promotes nutrition, fitness, personal development and most of all...sharing health and wellness (physical and financial) with others.

So here goes.  I AM ALL IN. 

Today is my declaration.  I can't wait to see where this year is going to take me.  No more back and forth.  No more fear.  No more holding back.  I am ready to take my next step...and the next step. 

Watch me!  Join me!  Support me!


And now I have a paper to go sign.   

We can do this!

Today is a new day.  Keaton fought me like crazy to get in our workout.  And I get it.  There are a hundred other things I would rather do.  Tonight we start preparing for our 21 Day Fix Challenge group that starts Oct 6.  Twenty one days....we can do this.  Yes we can.

On Learning

This evening my beautiful Isabella was practicing her flute before bed.  In all honesty, it was awful.  The notes were out of tune and airy.  Oh how she struggled to get the correct fingering.  Forget anything about correct timing. 

As I listened, offering encouraging words, I couldn't help but think back to my beginning days of playing the flute.  I don't play much anymore (the occasional Christmas pageant) but it all seems to be there whenever I pick up my instrument, just like riding a bike.  Hard to imagine a time when the notes where not imprinted in my fingertips or the perfect place to position my lips to create that sweet sound was not automatic.  I must have gone through that rough learning phase.  You know, that time when you wonder if you will ever catch on.  It's a difficult phase.  You see the notes on the paper, imagine the sound coming from your flute but your fingers don't move fast enough and the sound is squawky and airy.  Everyone else seems to be getting it.  You feel awkward and discouraged. 

Isn't it this way with growth, with learning. 

Right now practice time is not always exactly music to my ears.  But one day it will be.  With consistent practice and pushing through the rough patches, one day she will play masterpieces. 

And so it is with all our learning.  There will be rough days.

Then, 26 years later you look back and wonder if you ever really struggled with what now seems second nature.

Parenting: Stand Up

For my oldest child this is an exciting time.  He is in his junior year in high school.  Soon will have his full driver's license.  He has his first car.  He is working a little for his dad and earning his own money.  And...He is dating.  At least he is old enough to date.

In our faith, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, we are counseled by our church leaders to wait upon dating until we are sixteen years of age. In the church pamphlet "For the Strength of the Youth the leaders admonish the following:

A date is a planned activity that allows  a young man and a young woman to get to know each other better. In cultures where dating is acceptable, it can help you learn and practice social skills, develop friendships, have wholesome fun, and eventually find an eternal companion.

You should not date until you are at least 16 years old. When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality. Invite your parents to become acquainted with those you date.

 Choose to date only those who have high moral standards and in whose company you can maintain your standards. Remember that a young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to protect each other’s honor and virtue.

 Fast approaching is the homecoming dance for the high school.  My son has anticipated this day since the start of classes.  As his mother, I enjoyed watching him think of ways to ask his date to the dance.  He truly was excited for this event.  As his mother I was excited for him.

Somewhere along the way I forgot the young woman he wanted to take to the dance was not sixteen.  We all did.  Maybe we didn't want to think about it.  I admit the excitement and thrill of this dance and seeing my son so happy almost made me forget...that is until a few days ago. 

A friend of mine posted on FB that he was a little torn about allowing his own daughter attend her high school dance.  Not quite sixteen, her birthday would be five days after her high school dance.  Comments came in saying to just let her go.  She was a good kid.  Five days wouldn't make a difference.  And on the other side came, not sixteen means not sixteen.  If you bend on this one, you will have to bend on other boundaries.  My comment read to follow the teaching of our leaders and host a part for all the non 16 year olds and all those not attending the dance for whatever reason.  The night doesn't have to be sent feeling sorry for herself.

Then I thought of my own son.  While he is sixteen, his date will not be until late November.  UGH.  In addition, she is not a member of our faith.

 

 

Feeling like I had really dropped the ball, I wrestled with where to go from here.  Plans were already made.  The request had already gone out and a yes had been received.  My son was going to hate, detest, not like me very much.  I went to him with my concern.  I made suggestions.  Discussed with him setting an example.  Discussed the counsel from our prophet.  Discussed alternatives to the dance.  I didn't get very far.  I somehow wanted him to make this VERY BIG decision on his own.  You know, the same decision I couldn't make, I wanted him, a sixteen year old boy full of dreams and hormones, to make the right decision.

 

I made a call to his dad (we are divorced).  He agreed this was a sticky situation but we as his parents needed to set the boundary and stick with it.  He stated he would talk with his wife and call me back. 

 

As I left work, headed for home he called and stated that he had spoke with our son.  He said that in the conversation he went over the expectation of our leaders but ultimately left if up to him to make the right decision.  Although I was relieved he told our son what the standard was, I was also disappointed he did not show there was no decision to be made and that as his parents we were advising him not to attend this dance.

 

It was now up to me.

 

I arrived at home and immediately asked to speak with Taron.  Long story short, as his parent I made the decision for him.  He was hurt, angry, disappointed and sad.  Everything he felt was validated and justified.  I hurt.  I hurt for disappointing him.  I hurt for not having done it sooner.  I hurt for being left out there alone to make the decision.  After the direction was given, I discussed what happed with his dad.  Without getting into that conversation, I will say, he left me out on a limb.  As a parent, doing what is right doesn't always lead to being liked... at the time.

 

Shortly after, as I stood at the kitchen sink straightening up, tears flowed.  Wow!!  This parenting thing stinks at times.  I thought it was hard standing up for what was right when I was a teen.  It may just be even harder when you are a parent and do not want to disappoint your children. I don't want to be the one to take away all the fun. I don't want to take away his agency.   I don't want to be the one that doesn't teach that we need to follow the counsel of our prophet.  It's hard knowing I have made my own mistakes and that can be highlighted at times when trying to do what is right.

 

And then the miracle came.  Both of my teenage boys saw the goodness in following all the counsel we have been given and not just the ones that feel good at the time.  My tender son, trying to understand all of this for himself, tells me that he understands why I have made this decision and it is okay.  

 

It will be okay.  Moving forward I pray these choices will get easier.  I imagine they won't.  I can hope that as we strive to STAND Up for what we believe, as we have already made the decision to follow the counsel of our church leaders, each choice, though difficult, will already be made.  Makes following their counsel much easier when the decision to follow all of the precepts has already been made. 

 

 

 

Reflecting

 

This morning I wake up in my own bed after 7 days of sleeping in a bed at the Marriott Grand Chateau in Las Vegas, Nevada.  First thing I did was download all the vacation pics to my laptop.  I had every intention of doing a day by day highlight post.  However, I can't stop looking at this one photo.

 

 

Everything in me tells me to take a moment and share some thoughts.  We didn't do a whole lot this last week that required much money.  Quite frankly, I don't have much of it.  We did Vegas on a budget.  

 

There were many times where I wished I could take my kids to all the best attractions, go for a ride in a limo and enjoy fun places to eat.  We didn't do that.  As a mama I wanted to give my kids as much as possible.  Yet, come to find out, that isn't what they needed. . . or what I needed.  We simply needed to be together. 

 

Don't get me wrong, we did stuff every day.  But mostly it was about being together.  We talked.  We walked a ton.  We played in the pool at our hotel and at the MGM (a friend gave us a room key to show to get in that works there).  We connected with friends.  Rekindled an old friendship and started some new ones.  We took in the sights.  We cooked together.  We watched movies.  We worked out to DVDs.  I caught myself so many times watching them, my children. I watched them as a whole and individuals. 

 

For me, the entire trip was about time.  Time to snuggle.  Time to laugh.  Time to watch.  Time to be 100% present in their lives.

 

So often I catch myself playing the what if game.  What if I had not married that guy?  What if I had ran off with that guy? What if I finished my degree in nursing instead of switching to English? What if I had taken that job in Dallas?  What if I had gone to Texas to finish my Master's.  What if I didn't have my kids?  What if I had stayed married to the boys dad? What if I won the lottery?  What if I could be a stay home mom?  What if I was thin?  What if I was beautiful?  What if I had a better relationship with my family members?  Oh my goodness it can get out of control.

 

The thing is . . . the thing I am learning/feeling, I am right where I want to be.  To have these four children in my life is beyond a doubt my greatest gift to me and my gift to the world.  I don't have to go looking for things to make me happy or fulfilled.  I have them right here. 

 

This is the good life.  

 

Today as I adjust to the real world and the idea of returning to work tomorrow, I savor the last week and hope to carry the idea of being more present with my children forward.  Now we have a full time job, housework, yard work and all the responsibilities of life to balance.  Part of that balance will be to capture every moment with my children that I can.    

 

 

Making Memories- Memorial Weekend Hike

 Getting four children ranging in age from 4 to 15 to agree on a family activity is not an easy task.  I often struggle to feel like I am providing quality activities for the kids that they will remember.  Making memories is important to me.  I want them to look back on these years as years of joy, development and with any luck, love for their mother. 

It would be easy to take them swimming, which is what most of them wanted to do.  Yes, we would be getting in physical activity.  Yes, it would most likely be a great memory.  However, it costs money.  Quite a bit of money actually.  Next, I don't know about your family but typically once our towels are laid out and our spot claimed, the kids scatter in all directions to do their own thing.  For our Saturday family activity this is not what I wanted.  I wanted my children close to me.  Close to each other.

HIKING

Free.  Good for the soul.  Good for the body.  We are all together.  Appreciate the place we live.  Good for the environment. Can take the dogs. 

My idea involved a family hike up in the mountains.  Oh my goodness.  You would have thought I cut off the arm of one of my children when I listened to all the grumbles and groans as we prepared to head out.  I heard negotiating, begging, questions and down right kids that were upset we were not swimming or doing something else. 

Being the great mother that I am, I simply kept restating how excited I was to be with my children and dogs in the mountains and how much fun it would be to adventure in the outdoors.  I drove to a trail head about 13 miles outside of town.  In the parking area I could see trucks with 4 wheeler trailers.  We don't have those things but figured we could hike it none the less.

With nothing more than a couple water bottles and sunglasses we set off.

 

 Pretty early on I asked Miss Olaya if she was having fun.  She responded that she was and then under her breathe, my little four year old said, "as long as we don't see any poison snakes up here" to her sister.  That's my girl.

 

 The dogs had a fabulous time.  Miss Lucy looks like a black lab in this picture.  She is actually a Newfoundland just back from the groomer with her summer shave down. 

 

 For this photo I asked Olaya if she was happy.  She said she was but she wanted to be at grandma's.  FIGURES!

 

 For a while my phone was taking bad pictures.  Cause....I currently don't have a case and keep it in my bra.  The phone screen got a little clouded with....yep...boob sweat.  You are welcome for that visual. :)

 

 

 Up where we were there was no cell service.  Unfortunately, I could not run my MapMyWalk to see how far we went.  I wasn't so much concerned with distance or speed for this hike.  I simply wanted my children close to me and enjoying all that we are surrounded with.  We hiked up for one hour.  I figured coming down would not take nearly as long.  It didn't.  Only 30 minutes. 

 

 

 As much as I heard a few complaints going up, the laughs and comments of pleasure started as we went down.  I thought I had different children.  They were running and playing.  So different from the struggle for each step headed up. 

 

 

 We didn't make it out injury free.  Miss Olaya had a little struggle with figuring out the proper mechanics behind using a walking stick.  Somehow her stick made direct contact with her eye leaving her a little scratch and some blood to show off.  For the photo above she was using the camera as a mirror to see her injury.

 

 

 I wish I had started doing these things sooner with my children.  Don't get me wrong.  I have always done activities with my kids.  Movies being a big one.  It was a warm day and I thought about taking the kids to a matinee.  There are quite a few movies we want to see right now.  Those are memories also, right?  That doesn't work anymore.  I don't want them to look back and say my mom took me to the movies and we shared popcorn.  I want them to say my mom held my had as we walked up a trail.  We watched as the dogs splashed through the stream.  My mom encouraged me to make it to the top.  I want them the remember walking, serving and laughing together.  We saw caterpillars, butterflies, flowers, birds, trees.  We felt hot, tired and invigorated. 

 

 

 I want these moments when the kids hold hands walking down the trail.  When brother helps sister and sister learns who she can trust.

 

 

 I want them to feel the sun on their face.  The breeze blowing in the trees.

 

 

 Even the dogs played hard.  Our English Pointer never stopped running.  The Newfoundland, she sure enjoyed laying in the stream to rest and cool off.

 

 

 I want memories of laughter and smiles.  They joy that comes from pushing our bodies and feeling fabulous.

 

 

 I want them to appreciate the beauty we have right in our backyard.  Seriously... we live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. 

 

 

 Today was a good day.  We made good choices.  We made some memories.  We did things we didn't want to do and realized we liked it.  Coming off the trail all the kids said they had a good time and that they loved it.  PHEW!!!!

 

 

 Until.....Taron was stung by a bee on his lip right as we were getting in the car. It started swelling pretty fast.

 

 

 Then, as we drove back down the mountain we had the windows open.  All of a sudden, Keaton screams and starts flailing his arms and legs around like crazy.  You could feel the car shaking even as we drove.  A bee flew in the window and went smack on his face.  He didn't actually get stung.  However, that bee didn't stand a chance against his fear based revenge.  And that little bee....wasn't so little. It was huge.  Poor kid! Some luck he has to have that thing make it in the window and smack him in the face.

Love these kids!!!  This mama is feeling today was a success.  Ready for more days just like this.

Ready for a Challenge?

Anyone that knows me knows that I have had my fair share of challenges lately.  From these challenges I am stronger, braver and hopefully come out learning amazing new things about myself.  While I have a different kind of challenge starting, I 'm confident the end result will be the same.

Along with 5 other coaches I will be hosting a mixed group Beachbody Challenge starting June 9th.  This challenge is all about motivation, accountability and  learning something new about myself.

Do you do better when someone is cheering you on? That's exactly what happens in Beachbody Challenge Groups. We share our struggles and triumphs, cheer each other on and pick each other back up when we stumble. Um, and there's some really sweet prizes sometimes.

This is an amazing opportunity for you to get some great coaching from me and 5 other coaches. The challenge begins June 9. I am looking for 3-5 people to join with me and get their summer started off on the right foot! Leave a comment below (or shoot me a message if you'd rather) if this sounds like something you need in your life!