A Little Spin Out

UGH!!!  There is a certain piece of technology that is not my friend today.  In fact, I feel this friend has betrayed me.  Lied to me.  Deceived me.  Crushed my dreams even.  After a week of greatness.  A week of every time we met leaving me feeling better about myself.  We had 6 days of wonderful.  For it to all end like this........

 

Today the scale was up 1.2 lbs.

 

WHAT! 

 

Seriously, how is this possible?

 

As of today I am 7 days abstinent (no wheat/no sugar).

After a successful week, my typical behavior is to reward myself with a bad weekend.  NOT THIS WEEKEND!  I rocked workouts and eating clean all weekend.

Sunday I celebrated two non scale victories.

Every day for one week the scale was down.....ever so little each day.....but down still.

 

This morning......up 1.2.

 

Makes no sense.

 

I told myself all the things I would tell my friends.  Don't put to much into what the scale says.  There is not possible way you could gain 1.2 real lbs in a day when you only ate 1100 calories and ran two miles and walked 3 miles. Maybe you got salt in your diet yesterday.  Focus on the measurements, how your body feels, how hard you are working.  DON'T WEIGH YOURSELF EVERYDAY!!!

 

Yeah, well....

 

it didn't work.

 

All day I struggled emotionally.  Externally I did what I knew I needed to do.  I drank my water.  I ate clean.  I read from my OA literature.  I planned to move my body  after work.  Internally, I was a temper tantrum throwing toddler saying, "This isn't fair."  I questioned everything I know about the science of my plan.  I questioned my body. I questioned the process.  I questioned me.  I QUESTIONED ME.......not good. 

 

By the time I met up with my trainer, I was spinning out.  Kort is awesome.  He pushes my body.  He demands/encourages more from me than I know I have.  And then I hit him with tears.  Is there a chapter in the trainer manual titled "How to Reel Them Back In When They Are Spinning Out"?

 

This is the deal......as I continue to eat clean, my appetite continues to go down.  It seems my calorie intake this last week has been a little on the low side.  Kort is advising me not to go below 1500 calories.  Hearing this sent me to a tiny panic.  Telling a food addict they need to eat more is complicated.  Usually my problem is needing to eat less.  I understand what he was telling me.  It makes logical sense.  The science is there.  Now if I can just get my emotions out of it.  As he explained my body could very well be holding fast to every last calorie I consume due to the high calorie burns and low calorie intake, all I could hear was......eat more. What...I am working so hard not to eat more.  He talked me through it.  Poor guy.  There is so much more to personal training than just rep counting.  I am grateful I have him to work things out with.  He gives me direction.  Helps me trust the process, especially today when I wanted to spin out.

 

One last note....we all have those people that quietly stand on the side lines cheering us on.  They don't get a lot of acknowledgement.  They don't have titles like trainer, healer, therapist and so forth.  They are the ones that smile at you when you pass on the soda at the family dinner.  They are the ones that make sure there are foods for you to eat at your in laws house for Easter.  They are the ones that witness your behaviors first hand and love you anyway.  They are the ones that see you standing in the pantry late at night and come over and hug you, ever so gently pulling you away from the pantry and closing the door.  They are the ones that didn't come into this as an expert in their field.  They probably didn't have any idea what loving someone with a food addiction would mean.  And yet, they love you anyway.  They feel your pain.  They rejoice in your success.  And sometimes, they go unnoticed along this journey. 

 

To my husband, to those people for you, you do not go unnoticed.  You are the strength.  You are the reason. 

 

You are my everything.  Love you babe!! 

 

I finished the day strong.  After talking things out with my trainer, we went on to have a great full body strength training session.  I came home to a picnic dinner with my family and let the scale leave my mind.  That scale, as much as I thought it was this last week, is not my friend.  It never will be.  It will never be able to tell me the full story.  I know the full story.  My non scale victories tell me.  I see the work, the effort, the tears and the sacrifice it takes to progress. 

 

You SCALE will not take that from me.

 

DAY 7.......you fought me hard....in the end.....I rocked you!!!!

 

 

 

 

This Week.... but mostly today....NSV

 To start, a few pics of the week

Monday

Eating Clean

Monday Training

Wednesday Training

Friday Wedding and Reception-
Ate Clean.....That was Hard!!!

 

 

Friday Night....proud of this one...after wedding reception
30 minutes before closing time

Friday after gym
10:00 p.m. watching my man



Sunday morning run



Today was a first.  Before church, I enjoy getting in a quick run.  Today I was running late when hubby encouraged me to run from home instead of driving to the gym.  NOT COMFORTABLE!!  You have no idea.  Running in the gym I feel like I am in a safe place.  Public roads have not been safe for me in the past.  I can't count how many times I have heard fat insults yelled at me from passing cars as I have tried to move my body on public roads.  The gym or walking/running with friends has kept me safe.  This run was on my own. 

Guess what..... no one yelled, honked or insulted me.  I didn't even run just in my neighborhood, I ran on a busy main street.  This was huge for me.  Thrilling even.  Not that no one will ever yell insults at me again, however at this point in my journey I don't think it would shake me as it once did.

Second, my first mile came in under 15 minutes and mile two hit at 29:39.  I have been trying to get under 15 minutes forever.  I am proud to admit I am slow.  I am slow but steady....progressing.  The rest doesn't matter.  Each run I go further and maybe just a little bit faster.


Many amazing moments have happened over the last week.  I am going to sleep today putting day 7 of abstinence to rest.  My food addiction is back in recovery.  No wheat/no sugar is becoming easier each day.  My body is feeling stronger.  Keeping it just to one day at a time.  I can't say I will be abstinent next week, next year.  I can say I will be tomorrow.  I can say my next choice will be to be good to me.


Thanks friends for all of your support.  Thank you to all those that have reached out the last few weeks.  I am humbled and honored that you trust me with your story and journey.  I am not an expert but I sure can share my experience.

For now......

Goodnight all.

What I Learned From Basketball

This weekend the girls and I are joining my husband as he enjoys his favorite thing in the world....basketball.  Side note.....after a three week separation, we mutually decided our marriage was worth fighting for.  With many changes, a few ruffled feathers and many prayers, we are moving forward together better than ever. While attending all of the two day tournament and watching all 9 games Kevan will ref is not an option, I do enjoy the time I get to observe him doing what he loves best. 

My little Olaya cheers for "dad" the entire time.  Go daddy, go.  She doesn't understand he is not actually playing the game and that is okay.  Everyone around us laughs at her enthusiasm.  Watching Kevan look to her across the court is stunning.  I don't know who smiles more, my Olaya or my husband.  Every day she becomes more his and he becomes more hers.  The process is beautiful to watch.  Even though the tournament is not in our hometown, my Belle still managed to find friends from school.  She can make friends anywhere. 

The particular game we watched ended with a 43, 32 score.  At one point earlier in the game the spread was over 20 points.  The boys on each side pushed on.  They continued as if each play was the most important of the game.  As I observed the final 6 minutes of the game something stood out to me.  The losing team never quit.  Even when it was evident there was no possible way they could come back for a win, they never stopped pushing forward.  WHY?  I kept wondering how they could do that.  In athletics why do they continue to the final second when it is so very evident one team can never possibly bridge the gap in points.  I understand the close games.  Of course even 2 seconds can change a close game. 

Yes, surprisingly I know, I was a little tearful watching the losing team battle all the way to the end.  It almost feels like torture to make them finish.  Why isn't there a rule to call the game?  Seriously!  This is what I was thinking.

Then I realized, my thoughts were not about them, it was more about me.  I am stuck.  Stuck in a place I don't want to admit.  Stuck trying to manage all the different spheres of my life.  While one is better than ever, another spins out of control.  I see that as the odds look like I am not going to win or succeed in a certain aspect, I toss in the towel and say why keep trying.  The thing is, most people that know me would say I am nothing like this.  They would say quitting is not an option for me.  To some degree this is true.  The race is not over, the war is not won.  Yet, I may have thrown a few battles. 

So what did I learn from basketball yesterday?  Don't quit.  Even when the score board says I am losing with no time for a come back, stay in the game.  Win or lose, the important part is how I play the game.....to the finish. 

Happy Saturday everyone.  Kevan has 5 more games to ref.  The girls and I are going to explore our surroundings until he is done later this evening.  My goal today, be good to me and my body.  Enjoy the time I have with my girls.  Madly missing my boys but eager to have them home with me for Mother's Day.  And tonight and tomorrow, time with my husband.   

This Week

Reflecting on the week it seems impossible we have been through so much in only seven days.

 

Sunday started with a visit to the gym for a run. 

 

 

While I was there I had a phone conversation with the woman that placed two Golden Retrievers in my home to foster. 

 

 

There was a possibility I could keep them.  Before my run, I was set on keeping them.  After my run, while keeping them was still my desire, I knew it just wasn't the right thing for my family at this time.  That night we would be welcoming a new English Pointer puppy to our family. I called the woman back and said we would have the dogs to the airport on Tuesday as arranged.  Our foster babies would be flying to a dog rescue on Fort Collins, Colorado.  My biggest concern trying to start the dog adoption process when faced with also starting a divorce process simultaneously.  I knew it was far more than I could possibly endure at this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday was a great workout at the gym. My son did cardio machines while I took a class. The gym has become my sanctuary.  A mix of emotions are fighting to take over.  Gym time keeps them at bay.  I can't turn to food.  I know that for a moment it may numb my pain.  In the end, it will only bring more sadness.  Through the trials of the last two weeks I have not binged.  I have not purged.  I am discouraged.  I am afraid.  I will not quit.  Going into this week, my only desire is to keep moving. 



 Tuesday morning we drove our foster babies to the airport.  This was not easy, for any of us.  The kids were strong while we were there.  The hour drive home was filled with tears and questions.  The best I could give my children was that one of the greatest loves is when we love with everything we have knowing there is a possibility it will have to end or not be returned.  As I spoke these words to my children, they were words I needed to hear as well. 

 

This may take forever, so I may hit the highlights.............

 

Wednesday, my lifelong friend attended my training session with Kort.  It was a great session.  Amazing to have her with me.  Emotionally it was the boost I needed as well.



 

 

 

Thursday started with this surprise breakfast from my son, Keaton.  With a day starting like this, how can I not continue to be the best mother I can possibly be?

 

Thursday was a session with my therapist. The kids and I are doing well.  We are moving on, healing.  My sessions help me understand....understand me and how to interpret what has happened.

 

As I came out of my session, I received a wonderful phone call.  My dad invited me to attend Second Chance Prom with him, my mother, my sister and brother in law.  This was a special mercy in a mess of heartbreak.  I have wanted to attend this even for quite a number of years.  Kevan and I had planned to go.  With him gone, my dad felt it important that I still get to go.  (Thanks Dad! I am loved by a King.)   

 

Friday night- zumba with my sister followed by an amazing training session with Kort.  Then a little girls night with my daughters. Zumba was tough.  I don't know to many people that cry their way through Latin dancing.  The dark room, loud music, strong beat....I was swept away.  Luckily with the darkness, my tears were hidden.  They come when I don't expect them.  A baby smiled at me today at church.  She looked right at me and with these beautiful blue eyes, her pureness penetrated my soul.  Her smile spoke to me.  The tears started.  Her father gave me a hug.  Hugs are good these days. Better than words.  Better than hearing how strong I am.  Hugs are good. 

 

 



Saturday- Spinning with my sister,

an afternoon with my girls

 

followed by a night of dancing with my family at the prom.

 

 

 

Sunday.....my blessed Sunday.  This day is the day that fuels me.  If I can just make it back to Sunday.  I had every intention of sleeping in and taking a rest day from workouts.  When I woke up, everything in me shouted hit the gym.  It is my drug.  It keeps everything in balance.  I work out my emotions and then I am better able to care for my family. 

 





 With the boys with their dad for the weekend, the girls and I attended church together.  This is where I so strongly feel the absence of my husband.  Yet, I know it is where I need to be. Tender mercies are found when we do what we know is required.  When a sweet sister gave me a hug, she sensed my energy being all a mess.  We went into a side room and quickly did some EFT tapping for a while.  She tried to clear my energy.  Honestly, as "strong" as people think I am, it isn't true.  Most days, I am not even sure how I make it from beginning to end. I know I don't do it on my own.  I am holding to my recovery.  I am allowing friends and family to be more of a support.  I am actively working on forgiveness and healing.  My daily workouts bring me clarity.  I am relying on the grace of God to sustain me.  I am taking one day at a time.  I am putting one foot in front of the other.  No more.  No less. 

Preparing for bed Sunday night...........boys are home, lunches are made for tomorrow, laundry is all done, alarms are set for early wake up, cuddles and laughs with this girl..........

 

I understand this may not be a typical blog post.  It may not even be very coherent. Right now, life isn't making the most sense.  I guess that is reflected in my posts.  :) This blog is to share this journey not only with you but also with my children and for me to return to at a later time to see how far we have come.  Right now, things are tough.  Right now we are pushing through.  I can't hide it. It is just as much a part of the journey as the great times.  Hope that makes sense. 

Wishing everyone a great week.  While it may have some downs, choose to savor the ups.

Remember.....one day at a time.

Sanctuary



Saturday I woke up unsure of a few things.  My husband of two months had completely moved out the day before and this was the first morning faced with the idea that I am single again.  With my little in bed next to me, I found myself debating between staying in bed all day or head on over to the gym before my kids wake up.  Honestly, staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself was winning.  Then came a text from my younger sister asking if I was coming to a Saturday morning Body Pump class at Gold's. Without hesitation, Heck Yes!!

 

Come to find out, the group class was at 10.  Since we were there early and both needing to get home to littles, we did a Run For Boston instead.

 

My sister probably doesn't even know how much I needed her text that morning.  I could very well still be in bed had she not got me moving. Things in motion tend to stay in motion. For the time being, movement is good for me. It is good for my children.  We are moving forward to better things.

 

 

Since I was at the gym Saturday morning, I decided to go ahead and weigh out for the 12 week challenge.  With the events of the last 3 weeks, I admit I had been doing some emotional eating (not binging).  In fact, the night before I had two friends over to the house to have dinner with me and the kids. Dinner was fairly on my plan, minus the dinner rolls.  However, I did eat a few ice cream treats that were not on my food plan.  Even with that, I am actually proud of my 12 week results.

 

 

As I was speaking with the trainer, he said something that has been at the forefront of my thoughts the last few days.  He said that people come to the gym for various reasons.  Some come to lift weights.  Bulk up.  Slim down. Socialize.  Burn calories.  Then he said, "You need to come because it is your sanctuary.  Make the gym your safe place."

 

This is the truth for me.  The gym is the only place/thing in my life where I am confident I will get back in results what I put in with effort.  It is the place I can leave everything else at the door.  I don't visit the gym to punish my body.  I go to sustain, nurture and care for my body, mind and spirit. 

 

 

Today, I visited my sanctuary.  Keaton and I did the kettlebell class together.  Then he went to do some cardio machines while I stayed for Body Combat. HELLO, wiped me out.  I am blessed to have a body that does what I ask of it. I am blessed to have found a place that challenges me.

 

 

 

With Jen, one of my favorite instructors.
One day I won't look giant size next to her.

My most favorite workout buddy.
Heading to the gym, this kid was not happy. He wanted to stay home and
play with friends.  As we drove, I took his hand and told him how
excited I was to spend some time with him. He told me not to say that.
He wanted to stay upset with me.  Then his beautiful face cracked a smile.

Leave it on the court!!!
BAM!!!
That my friends was a great calorie burn.

 



It makes sense to me that the gym should be a sanctuary.  My body is a temple.  What is your sanctuary?  How do you nurture and care for your body? Mindy? Spirit?

 

 

With eating totally on plan and a great calorie burn, I am going to rest my head on my pillow filled with joy.  No guilt or shame for this girl.  One day at a time!!!

 

 

 

 

Book Exchange



The girls and I had the opportunity to experience a new event at Belle's school this week.  In preparation, we gathered up a few books from around the house that the kids no longer wanted.  We took them to Belle's school where she turned them in.  In exchange, she was able to search through other donated books for new finds to take to our home.

 

 

 

Both girls has plenty of books to chose from.  Talk about a stressful moment for me.....an abundance of books free for the taking. Anxiety!!! This girl loves books. Even more, this girl loves that her girls love books.

 



 

Had I know how fun this would be, I would have spent more time boxing up books to exchange instead of instructing Belle to "go get a few".

Can you imagine standing with books all around.  Books are fun.  Miss Olaya kept running from table to table, all along the gym floor searching for her two perfect books.  It was hard for all of us to make our final choices.

 



 In the end, we left with a new stash of books to read, plenty of smiles to share and a sweet treat to enjoy (probably Olaya's favorite part of the event).

 

 

One of the best gifts of being a mother comes from watching my children sparkle.  When Belle sparkles, watch out!!!  She is a ray of sunshine that warms everyone around.

 

As we were leaving the school, Belle took the opportunity to share with me her star of the walk of fame for completing her ISAT testing.  After a few days of rain, the star was a little washed out.  Never fear, I wasn't looking at the star.  The smile on my babies face had my full attention. 

These are the moments that sustain me.  I am one lucky girl.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.  It will be a day of family for us.  Exactly what I need.

Strengthening the Heart

Today has been a day full of healing.  Lunch was shared with a dear friend.  This evening I experienced a "healing" session with another dear friend.  Later in the night an intense workout with my trainer.  One day and I was able to find nourishment for my mind, body and spirit.  Doesn't get much better than that!!!

One beautiful lesson I was able to articulate after the healing session was how my recent challenge has strengthened my heart.  I have chosen not to let this break me. Through my food addiction recovery over the last year, one major theme has continued to bring me peace.  Everything happens for a reason and we are exactly where we supposed to be at exactly this moment.  While my marriage only lasted just over 2 months, it is my belief it had to happen.  There is something to come from this for the good.  As I struggle to understand, heal my heart and push through the myriad of emotions, I am comforted in the knowledge that there is someone bigger than me in charge.  I give it to Him.  He knows the end from the beginning.  He knows why I am to be here right at this moment.

As I spoke with my healer/friend, as we discussed my heart, I was able to articulate my understanding of the heart being a muscle.  Through workouts and training, I am aware that muscle only grows after it is torn.  The tearing down and rebuilding of the human muscle is what makes it stronger.  Is that way with my heart?????  Is it not a muscle as well?  Is this shredded, mangled mess of a heart only the makings of a vibrant, strong, healthy muscle?

 Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

I can't begin to say I have all the answers.  Most of what is happening I don't even understand.  What I do know is that I have to keep moving.  I have to keep strengthening. And maybe the only way to strengthen is to tear down.  So break....break my heart.....get it over with.....not because I want to hurt but because I know I will come out of this better than ever.  My capacity to love will not be taken.  My heart will only grow and become stronger from this adversity.

Kathy, my dear friend, thank you sharing Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).  Our healing session helped my heart.  I know I have a long way to go.  Tonight was a great start to allowing me to vision how I want my heart to look when it is healed.

Shifting gears, later in the night I did another kind of heart strengthening.......workout time..........

Heading out to meet up with my trainer, Kort.

Sporting pig tails.

 

Little bit of crossfit training.

I seriously think he is creatively thinking up ways to kill me.

 

Always a happy girl when I am done.

 



 

 

Session ended at 1 hour 10 minutes. 

Forgot to turn of the Polar.

400 calories, not to shabby

 

A friend called tonight to check on how I am doing.  After our conversation he stated I am probably doing better than he is doing with the stuff in his life.  I don't think I am doing great but I am doing the best I can.  I keep moving forward, in part because I don't see that I have a choice and second, for fear if I stop for even a moment, it will all catch up with me and be to much.......far to much for me to recover from. 

 

I know we all struggle.  I spend my day helping families resolve their problems.  The news of the world is filled with people struggling with bigger heartaches than mine.  Yet, as this is real for me, please know, it is real for you.  You are not alone.  You are not defined by what struggle you are having.  Stay the course.  Remain honest and true to who you are. And never, ever.....ever, give up.