Everything Kind of Love

It is in our nature to love.  Love makes the world go round.  People search for it.  Wars have been fought for it.  Works of art have been created for it.  Having said that, I don't believe it is in our nature to open ourselves up to the idea of love when we know there will be an end.  Yes, love ends every day.  Relationships end.  Marriages end.  Love songs come to an end.  And yet, we don't ever enter with the idea that this will end.

Right now I find my heart battling what it knows and what it wants.  My heart has been blessed to welcome three spirits into my home as foster children.  One we received on his fourth day of life, he is now 4 weeks old.  The older two, age 3 and age 2, came last Wednesday.  Their mother, my sister, got lost for a bit.  While she is finding her way back, I am acting in proxy for her, loving these children.

First Night

Therefore, with every touch, with every kiss, with every goodnight, with every 2 AM feeding I feel my heart growing.  I am amazed at the capacity a heart has to love. I am amazed at how when I thought I had nothing left, when I felt far to inadequate to provide for these children, my heart just grew, and it grew and it grew.

Every Night :)

But....with that growth comes the knowledge that one day those beautiful creatures that fill my heart now, will return to their mother.  Don't get me wrong.  Every night (and frequently during the day) I pray she continues to get stronger.  I pray her capacity is strengthened. I pray she is preparing herself to be the best mother she can be to these children.  I pray her children will be returned to her.

Meal Time

That said, I am wildly aware that loving these children as my own (because there is no other way to love a child in your home) will one day come to an end when they return to live with my sister.

I don't know if I can adequately express the spectrum of feelings associated with loving a foster child.  My heart swells when I see little Baby I smile as I sing to him when I think he is asleep.  My heart is overjoyed when Little M holds her arms out for me to kiss and hug her goodnight.  I am knocked over with pride when the oldest, Little E finds me after attending his second Sunday at church beaming with joy as he shows me his picture he colored in primary class.

At Church

How do you move forward with never wanting this to end and yet praying my tender sister will have her children returned to her as soon as humanly possible.  When loving these children, we don't just clear out a drawer for them.  They become a part of every thing we do.  Extra hooks in the bathroom for towels.  Extra car seats in the car- if not a larger car.  Extra little kid plates and silverware for the kitchen.  Step stools to reach the bathroom sink for hand washing.  Little cars and trucks for this confused little boy.  Princess dresses for this little girl that follows my own little princess around like a shadow.  A baby swing in the living room.  Bottles.  Diapers. Wipes.  A bassinet by my bedside.  Our entire routine has changed.  And that change is not only felt by me but by my husband and four children.  They are making sacrifices as well.  For us to make it out the door in the morning it is a team effort to get these little ones ready.  The schedule in our home has become dictated by 8 PM bedtime for the little ones and now as sleep is ever so coveted by me, I do not follow far behind in getting to bed.

Trying For A Nap

My love for my sister grows every day.  I see her efforts and listen to her words as she mourns not feeling her babies in her arms.  I can not begin to imagine the pain, the overwhelming pain, that must be felt to have not ever had a chance to take her baby home from the hospital.  The pain that it must be to see empty car seats in the back of her car.  There has only been one moment when I was angry, like truly angry with my sister.  One night, Little E woke around midnight screaming and continued to scream for nearly two hours.  I had no way to console him.  He could not communicate his pain.  Only then did I fight off feelings of thinking she did not deserve to have her children back.  Only then I threatened to run away with these kids in the event she was to get them back.  I am sad I felt that way.  My heart eased as this little guy finally drifted off to sleep calling for his mommy.  His feelings for his mother are real.  His pain is real.  He doesn't understand why he has to be with me.  No matter how  good I am to him, I am not his mother. 

Today my sister came for her scheduled visit.  It was a good visit.  My role is to support her and encourage her as she works on establishing boundaries and learn and utilize parenting skills (which we could all be better at).  Again my heart swells to watch her interact with her children and see their love for each other.  After the visit ended, the tears from the children had stopped as I distracted them as she left by getting them to help frost a cake. 

Distraction

After all was returned back to normal, Kevan and I found ourselves sitting at the kitchen table with him holding the baby.  I watched him ever so tenderly love on the baby as he was fighting between sleep and awake. I couldn't help but be filled with love for my husband as I watched him parent this baby and I also felt my heart break as I was washed over with the idea that this will all end.

I am determined to love these children with everything that is in me.  I will continue to love them as my own.  I will love them with the knowledge that by loving them with abandon I open my heart up for pain.  As a family, we all will incorporate the life of having 7 children and all that that means knowing one day we will have extra hooks in the bathroom for towels.  Knowing we will have extra little plates and silverware.  Knowing the space in my heart that has been filled with these three children will one day feel their absence.

I love my sister.  I pray her children are returned to her arms as soon as possible.  I continue to pray I can be proxy for her in her absence and continue to love these children with everything that is in me....I know it will hurt.  They deserve nothing less than an everything kind of love.

This is what it looked like while I was typing this post-

kids joined us to watch Pro Bowl and baby needed some loving while our

Miss Olaya tried to convince me her DVD would play even though

it is scratched beyond the point it will play

Last Day

The last 72 hours have been a whirlwind.  Often we are reminded how quickly life can change.  Well, what an understatemtn.  Friday evening I received a text message from someone I care for quite deeply. 

The text expressed good news and sorrow. 

As a result, today I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of a Child Welfare licensing worker to approve my home for emergency foster care. 

As I read so many end of the year post, I can't help but feeling a little disjointed.  I'm not ready for it to end.  I am not ready for what will come tomorrow.  Who ever is?  And while thoughts of uncertainty and apprehension are ever present, I am overjoyed and humbled with what tomorrow will bring. 

For today, I am staying present in the moment.  Reminding myself to take it one step at a time and to leave it with my Father in Heaven.  His plan will come forth. Prayer is constant as I seek guidance and understanding.  This event not only brings questions about the choices my loved one has made but it has caused even more to question the choice made to ask me to care for this child in her absence.

Being asked to love someone else's child is not something a person aspires to.  However, when asked . . . you get ready.  You prepare for those that don't think you adequate.  You prepare for those that think themselves a better choice.  You move forward honoring the request of your loved one.  You evaluate your capacity.  You evaluate the capacity of family members in the home.  You pray.  You smile.  You move forward.  You breathe.

I don't know exactly what will come from today or what will unfold as the next few weeks advance.  One thing I am certain, I will move forward prayerfully in faith taking it one day at a time. 

Shame Loves Secrecy

This post has been simmering for a while.  Always there.  Always in my thoughts.  Never really able to bring myself to serve it up.  At moments of energy I would visit the pot, give it a quick stir, smell the ingredients, take a little taste and think it is just about right.  Then, somehow between putting the lid back on and going to the cupboard to retrieve bowls, I paused.  Questions started to roll.  Uncertainty left me feeling no one wanted what I had to give.  It wasn't ready.  Something was missing. There was to much of something else.  It had not cooked long enough.  Now it was to mushy to serve. 

So I hid.

My creation was neglected. I let it crust over. Dry out.  I couldn't even bring myself to clean everything.  It just sat there.  Abandoned.   

Until . . .

On the day after Christmas, December 26, I opened my For Today daily reader from Overeaters Anonymous.  There I found the following:

    

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over.

     F. Scott Fitzgerald

What injustice to think myself a failure because I have to begin again!  So I slipped, or relapsed; so what?  Starting over is what all creation is about; it is part of the fabric of success in enterprises ranging from spinning a web to splitting an atom.  Willingness to make a new beginning is a sign of growth.  It means I am returning to the program with a deeper understanding of myself and my illness.  Far from wanting to hid in the back of the room, I feel I have something of value to contribute.

The words spoke to me.  I felt them.  I was hiding.  There was no denying I had gone to the back of the room. Thoughts of writing, coming back, filled my heart.  I went to my laptop.  Nothing came.  Tears.  Tears came.  Sorrow.  Shame.  Fear.  Emotions filled me that I was not prepared to feel out.  I was not ready to try them on.  My laptop was closed.  The emotions were silenced.

Although I wasn't ready to write or talk about what was going on with me, I did feel the need to make some changes.  Thursday, December 26 (after three months of indulgence) I ate clean.  Feeling in a complete state of chaos, the desire to get back to serenity, to peace led me to my practice of abstinence found in OA.  There is no longer a local group.  Phone meetings are the only way I can connect with a group.  That day, at different times, I joined two phone meetings.  I just listened.  Their words filled me.  That night, I went to the gym.  Not prepared to get in my gym clothes, I hid in the shielding support of a water aerobics class.  The class was great.  Feeling and pushing my body felt thrilling.  However, at the same time, I was clouded with overwhelming shame.  When normally I feel water to be restorative, hiding my body in the water brought sorrow, guilt and anxiety. 

 

Friday morning I decided it was time to weigh myself.  Hiding from the scale needed to end.  My clothes were no longer fitting.  My skin felt uncomfortable.  Movement was restrictive.  It was time to face the scale. 

 

261 lbs

 

Yep, that's right.  I was exactly 20lbs higher than my lowest of 241 lbs in June.  The number was crushing, yet I already knew.  My body had told me over and over what was happening.  Never could I bring myself to listen.  

 

During my lunch hour I started reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. My therapist had been encouraging me to read her work for the last few weeks.  Finally, after receiving her book as a Christmas present to myself, I took advantage of a few minutes to begin her book.  On page 9 I found myself in a realization that had been forming for a while.  I read the following: 

Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story.  It hates words wrapped around it-it can't survive being shared.  Shame loves secrecy.  The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury your story.  When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.

Being in a dark shame place (for not days, not weeks, but for months) was getting me further into a place of shame.  After work, I joined in on another OA meeting.

So what am I saying?  Where is this going?

I can no longer hide in a dark place of shame in the back of the room.  I need to wrap words around my shame.  This is not news to me.  For a long time, sharing my story was a way for me to work it through.  The struggle released its grip on me when I shared it with others.

Maybe I needed this time to truly understand why I need to share my story.  I had originally gone into hiding thinking I simply needed a break.  Parts of my story were to hard to expose.  I wasn't ready to face them, let alone share them with anyone else.  I refuse to speculate if that choice was right or wrong.  It happened and here I am.

I am returning with a deeper understanding of myself and my illness.  I can no longer pretend, I Got This.  I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.  It is my belief that a power greater than my own can restore me.  The decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God has been made. 

Today is Sunday and I am half way through my fourth day of abstinence.  My thoughts are clearer.  The chatter in my head has diminished.  I don't know if any lbs have dropped.  I won't be weighing until 7 days abstinent.  Right now I am just focused on getting back, making the daily actions of my plan part of every day. 

I am reading.  Praying.  Meditating.  Moving my body.  Eating clean nourishing food.  I am being mindful.  I am getting on OA phone meetings every chance I get.  I am opening myself up to the idea that I am not in control.  I am finding grace in the knowledge that my mistakes bring me deeper understanding.  I am connecting with individuals that only want for my success.  I am withdrawing from relationships that cause me angst.  I don't have the capacity to refill each time they drain my energy stores.

Today is a good day.  As I wrap up my post I turned to today's reading.  This book is always perfect in bringing me what I need when I need it.  In closing I leave with you the reading from For Today:

As I see and feel this moment, all else in my mind is blocked out.  I am free of the past and the future.  I am living in the now.  Aware of sounds and colors, light and shadow, I look outward from myself - and that is freedom.  I can notice another, listen with energy.  I live life a moment at a time, leaving the moments lived yesterday and those to be lived tomorrow where they belong.

Joy comes from living in the NOW.

For today: I free my mind of yesterday's mistakes and tomorrow's hopes.  I live in this moment.

 Today is an abstinent day.  I am living in this moment and this moment is good.

 

 

 

  

Our Second Annual Turkey Trot

Last Thanksgiving a good friend of mine introduced the kids and I to a new tradition. This year I was determined to make it happen again and share the event with even more people I love.

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Starting Line



Race Partner/Kindred Spirit
I love this girl!!

 

Ready to Make Memories

 



Two of my brothers

My two boys.

 

 

Little one was not wanting to wake up.

 

Here we go.

"Moo"tivation along the way.

Someone didn't read the rules.

 

Finish Line- 47 minutes

Won a raffle prize.

Probably should have ordered the x-large shirt

Large was just a little snug.

Little one crossed the finish line on her own.

She wasn't exactly very happy at this moment.

A little on the cold side for this racer.

Sister, Mom, Brother

Boys ran back out to bring Keaton in.

For this moment....my reason.

For someone that grumbles at all my requests for activity,

this boys entire body shouted pure joy after he crossed the

finish line.

This is us.  My loves.  My life.

This photo makes my heart happy. This photo is like a great book.  There is the main storyline (the picture as a whole) but a great book also has just as wonderful multiple story lines playing out.  Those stories are not mine to tell.  Even now, I look at this photo and my heart swells with joy.  The relationships shared, the friendships strengthened, the injuries overcome, the personal victory won, the gratitude for a body that does what I ask it to do, the three generations present, memories made...that is what I see in this picture.

The Turkey Trot was a wonderful part of our Day of Thanks.  Already planning for next year.

Oh, Happy Day

As I put this day to rest, I can't help but feel joyful.  It wasn't an extraordinary day.  I didn't win the lottery.  None of my kids won some big award at school. My house didn't just clean it self.  No, it was a normal typical day and because of that, I am filled with much happiness as I sit here and reflect.

Like it or not, here you go for a day in the life of Tara.

7:45 make it to work on time, a few minutes early in fact
8:30 make a fruit smoothie at work

12:30 take my mom to ShopKo during lunch to utilize her senior citizen discount while purchasing coats and other items for my boys....saved me over $45
1:00 lunch brought from home

4:45 got up the nerve to invite all my coworkers to join in on my December squat challenge (figured I wouldn't look nearly as funny found in my office doing squats if everyone was doing them)  All but two people on my floor agreed to participate!!!!  I AM SO EXCITED!!

5:00 off work, pick up littlest from day care, honey picks up my boys and they all go get haircuts, I then pick up 10 year old daughter and we run to the store to get shoes for her dance costume
7:00 dinner of pancakes, homemade syrup, eggs, turkey bacon and oranges- My son Keaton and I only had eggs, turkey bacon and an orange
7:30 as a family dishes unloaded and loaded, started and then a game of Uno

8:30 prayers and little ones to bed
9:00 Myself, honey and my boys all to the gym-

• my workout- 5 minutes on the stair climber, 30 minutes elliptical, 45 minutes of weights for     chest and triceps and abs
• oldest son- all swimming, he had weights at school today
• next son- one mile on the elliptical, completed his 35 squats, swimming
• honey- did first mile with Keaton on the elliptical and squat challenge and then went on to continue on elliptical until I was done and then weights with me

I am going to bed with peace and a very happy heart...for so many reasons.  Just wanted to share my ordinary spectacular day. 

Ate clean today.  Moved my body.  Built memories.  Shared health with my family, friends and coworkers.

I like ordinary days.

How was your day?  What made your day spectacular?

Good night all.

Love,
Tara

 

 

 

 

FitBloggin Day 1- Multnomah Falls

I could share the blow by blow of FitBloggin.

 

I could start with describing my drive to Boise Wednesday night and the heartache I felt as I drove away leaving my family behind. 

 

I could share details of the Boise airport.

 

My travels wouldn't be complete without
standard airport bathroom selfie

 I could share how paranoid I was that I would sleep through my 3:30 AM alarm and miss my flight.

I could share how strange it feels to actually walk out to the door of your plane and find real propellers.

I could share picture after picture of clouds and skyline from my window seat.

Hello Portland

 I could share a description of my first FitBloggin celebrity sighting after breakfast.

Meet Samantha, Matt and Sue

But I won't.  This highlight of Thursday was hiking to the top of Multnomah Falls with Tiffany, a Portland native that was ever so kind to pick me up from the airport.

After a stop for breakfast, she suggested we visit the falls.  Back in my high school days I had been to the falls during band tour.....there is a blast from the past.  I remember some of the band members climbed to the top.  Not me.  I settled for looking cute, hanging out on the bottom bridge and cheering the others on.

 Tiffany and I went to the first observation area.  Then we even agreed to walk up to the bridge.  I don't think either one of us truly arrived at the falls thinking we would hike to the top, nor did I really think I wanted to.

 However, once on the bridge, I wanted it.  As I looked up to the point where the falls began, I wanted to be there. I wanted to know that experience.  I thought of what I am always telling my children when we go for hikes and they are grumbling.  I tell them the feeling from the bottom looking up is nothing like making it to the top and looking down at where we have just been and what we have just accomplished, let alone the stunning view.  I thought of how 20 years earlier I was in that same spot and SETTLED to stay on the bridge as others achieved a goal.  Not this time.  I wanted it for myself.

 

We started on the trail heading up saying that we would just go for a little while and take in the view of the river and head back down.  Tiffany didn't know my desire. Speaking for her, I think she would allow me to say that she was not all that thrilled with the idea of hiking all the way to the top, at first.

The thing about trips like this is that something happens just a ways in.  Something clicks.  What was just a little stroll becomes a goal, a challenge.  You become committed.  For me it was at this switchback.  We got to this point after a pretty steep climb and thought there is no way I am putting all this effort into this and not making it to the top.  We were almost half way.  I was in.  No turning back now.  Luckily, Tiffany went along with me. 

 



 That said, I wasn't exactly all smiles and high energy heading up.  It was tough.  The humidity was high.  The temperature was climbing. There were switchbacks that we could not look ahead.  We put our heads down and repeated one step at a time.  I kept telling myself to keep moving forward.  Doesn't matter how fast.  Doesn't matter that people are passing. Let them.  I am here and I will do this.

 

I did it for this.

 

To see this.

 

To feel this!!!!!

 

To see her at the top.  To share a memory, a moment when we can achieve a goal no matter how many pounds we have to lose, how slow we went or how many times along the way we thought this is crazy.

 

And then we got to head back down, which meant having to go back up for a bit.  That was tough.  See, once you get to the top of the switchbacks, then you have to go down a trail to get to the top of the falls.  When going back, you have to go up that trail to get to the top of the switchbacks.  And don't think it is all "downhill" from there.  Those trails are steep.  Heading back down was a slower process than I would have thought. Easier, for sure.  

 

 

One great thing about the coming down is being able to encourage those on their way up.  We had just been there.  I connected with the angst on their faces as they looked ahead.  We cheered and encouraged their steady steps.  Getting back to the bottom, finding myself on that bridge again, felt so different than being there the first time. 

 

As we left, I glanced behind one more time to the top of the falls.  No one can take that feeling away from me.  I was there.  I was there at the top.  Many can say that but not all.  For me day one of FitBloggin was not about the ice breakers or name tag decorating.  It was about doing more than I thought I could do.  Being stronger than I thought I was.  Achieving a goal I didn't know I had.

 

 

 

 

 

In case you are wondering, 

remembered to start tracking our walk with MapMyWalk.  Not to shabby.  All total we went 3.38 miles that morning. 

 

 

Thanks Tiffany and FitBloggin.  My day one is certainly one to remember.





Quick Trip

Real fast:

With perfect summer evenings, the gym doesn't have as strong of a draw as hitting places in our own backyard where we can all move together. Tonight we made a quick trip to Idaho Falls to drop of our foster dog. Tomorrow he has a reserved seat on a flight to a dog sanctuary in Colorado. While there we took advantage of enjoying the green belt followed by a milkshake stop and practicing lines for the kids play. Great summer night. We moved. We made memories. We spent an evening together.