Monday, February 15, 2016

Rock Bottom

I have a feeling that much of what I am about to say will come out as word vomit.  Warning you now so that you don't regret jumping on this crazy train after you read this.

The last few months I have been working on my physical health.  Through encouragement, self determination and plain loathing for my current physical state, I have been getting in more workouts.  My food plan is high protein/low carb/high fat.  While I know this plan works for my body, I have not been consistent with sticking with it.
In addition, I have been battling something spiritually and emotionally.  While some of what I will touch on is based on my religion, please understand these are my choices.  No one is forcing me.  This is who I am and where I want to be . . . spiritually. 
A couple months ago, right around Thanksgiving, I committed to my faith and was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  With this has come many beautiful blessings.  It is what I have wanted for a very long time.  In addition, by getting baptized I committed to abstain from a few things.
Ok.  This part is super hard.  So much doubt, confusion and even some anger is settling in right now.  Typing this out is bringing tears with each keystroke. 
This is my truth.  I wish no harm to my family of friends that may take offense of be taken back by what I am sharing.  This is my story.  I can't hide from it.
As a teen I was always a little over weight.  Nearing my sixteenth birthday I distinctly remember my mother saying to me how happy she was it would be my sweet sixteenth and never been kissed.  Well, this wasn't the case at all.  I had kissed boys.  Then there was another conversation that I remember her telling me that she was grateful I was a little heavy because it had kept the boys away during my teen dating years.  This came after a conversation about some neighborhood girls that had gotten pregnant very young or were causing their parents stress due to their dating and boy crazy behaviors. 
The thing was...I had lots of male attention.  I had been kissed.  Much more than just kissed.  I never went without a boyfriend.  Yet somehow in my mind I associated being fat with being less desirable to the other gender.  Never would I begin to imagine my mother meant harm from her comment.  I know her reading this will not sit well.  She never meant harm.  I believe she was really meaning to say she was happy with my choices during the beginning of high hormone years.  Yet, my mind has held to that comment to this day. 
The thing is I have struggled my entire life with seeking validation through physical.  It is my way to feel loved, valued and of worth.  It is the way I show love. Touch is my language.  So without getting into to much detail, my membership in my faith was taken away because of actions of immorality.  Basically I have had sex and not been married.
Fast I am trying (like I have never tried before) to stay morally clean as I work to return to the temple. Somehow my mind interprets that as eat everything in sight because the boys will stay away if I am heavy.
There... I said it.  It is like deep down I feel if I can only get heavy enough I will no longer be a temptation to men and I can move forward with my desire to stay morally clean.  YES! I see all the flaws in that thinking.  One, no matter how heavy I have been, I have never lacked male attention. Two, it takes all the power and gives it to someone else.  
The crazy part is all these negative thoughts are happening at the same time I am working so hard to change my health.  Workouts.  Following a food plan.  Reading from personal development. 
It is enough to make me crazy.  My weight has continued to go up since the day I got baptized.  This piece of me does not trust that I can make choices that are in balance with my spiritual choices so I am self-sabotaging with food and gaining weight to become undesirable. 
I can't keep doing this.  This crazy train has to stop and I want off.  I have to find a place where I am okay taking care of my body physically (workouts, losing weight, looking and feeling good) and be able to move forward to my spiritual goals.  I want to look and feel strong and beautiful and be able to move forward with attending the temple.
And another thing....this isn't keeping the boys away.  They keep coming.  So why am I doing this to myself? 

I am aware this won't happen overnight.  I know my way of thinking has been with me for so long that it will take daily work to change it.  I am willing to do the work.  My silence the last little while has been me working through all this.  I have had to understand it to a point that I could even begin to say the words and speak my truth.    

Today is a new day.  It's my rock bottom. 
This day started with me letting a male suitor know that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him any further (actually told him as I was in the middle of writing this).  His attention and assertive actions to be with me were highly attractive.  That is where it ended.  My old way of thinking would be to allow this relationship to continue while I contorted myself to what he needed and never once asking for what I needed.  I can't do that anymore.  My value doesn't come from the man that stands beside me.  In fact it doesn't come from the absence of someone beside me.  My value is based on me.  I am finally understanding this fully.

I can find a place where my physical, emotional and spiritual goals are met. I wish pursuing one didn't mean a struggle in another.  Such is my life.  The one thing I can say is that I am not quitting.

This morning I came across a picture I posted to Facebook on this day three years ago.  I'm fighting to be her again.  That girl was fighting.  I will get back to that point and push further.  I have done it once.  I will do it again.
Okay, just a glimpse in my I type this my two littles have now joined me.  They are spraying my hair with water, combing it soft and putting crazy ponytails in it.  I think I am done being introspective for now.
Time to get after this day.
Remember, I stated at the beginning this post was a little unorganized.


  1. I can relate to a lot of your feelings here! It's interesting to me how people from varied backgrounds, with varying experiences can still struggle with these same feelings of guilt and failure. I've been reading the book "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch recently (which I would highly recommend if you're looking for any other books to read), and one of my biggest take-aways is that the idea of not being able to stick to a diet or a certain set of food rules does not equal that you are a failure. For some reason, the world espouses that you are somehow "less than" and a "failure" if you are overweight. Being skinny is not a virtue and being fat is not a vice. AND, there are so many reasons why people struggle with food and eating disorders that have nothing to do with food.

    I think it's also really easy to see ourselves as "less than" if we have sinned. There is no less than in Jesus's eyes if we have repented. And he knew we would repeatedly make mistakes (even the same one over and over again) when he taught us how we are to forgive 70 x 7. All of these words are just to say that you are a great person who is trying...and that is all I see. I don't see someone who is struggling with things (successfully or unsuccessfully)...all I see is you. Even though you are not perfect, you are your family, by your friends, and by you Heavenly Father.

  2. It's so strange that we can have the same inner feelings and completely different experiences. I feel like I could have typed everything you said with the exception of the male attention. I have to work hard to get male attention but then I make myself what I think they want. I forget my beliefs to take on someone else's. Because I feel like I need to be me, I have also started working on my faith and as hard as this was to write for you, it made me feel validated in a way. Hugs and prayers to you!

  3. You are not alone in thinking this! :-) You've worked past the hard part...realizing where your belief system comes from. I'm always so impressed with your Facebook posts. Staying the course. Having challenges. Your inspiring to me. Sean Smith is over of my favorite speakers on negative mind set. If you want to borrow some CDs... something that has helped be profoundly with positive self worth is mirror work. (Do you know about this?) I'm rooting for you!! So many want to see you succeed! I know you will achieve greatness! :-)

  4. I completely understand what you are going through, also with the exception of the male attention. I called off my wedding a couple years ago. This was a very difficult and painful experience. Since then, I have sabotaged my weightless in order to avoid any male attention. I don't want to get hurt like that again. Re-finding my faith and becoming active in my church has helped me realize that I am loved by God, my fellow church members, my family, and my friends. I still struggle to love myself and that is why I sabotage. I don't feel worthy of the love of others. I am slowly learning to accept their love, and my faith has a big part in helping me with that. Every day is a struggle.

    Remember, you are worth saving your physical and mental health. You are not alone in your struggles. You are loved.

  5. I'm so happy that you are embracing the gospel again Tara! The church doesn't solve our problems, but it definitely makes the load much lighter! I never ever thought I'd go back to church. But I had hit that rock bottom as well. I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to be here anymore. But for my children, I had to find something positive and uplifting, and that meant returning to my spirituality, no matter how uncomfortable or out of place I felt. I am the heaviest I've ever been, and it's for the same reasons as you, to avoid attention and temptation from men. It's so hard to see yourself the way others see you. I know, in my eyes, you've always been such a beautiful, sweet, and kind lady! I've always been happy to know you, and be friends with you! Just remember that you are just like the title of your blog. You are worthy of love and respect. If a man is only trying to get down your pants without being willing to take on the more mundane parts of a relationship, then he's not worth your time or emotional energy. I love you Tara! I admire your courage to say things that are difficult to say! Keep your chin up sister, and let's promise to keep trying and forgive ourselves in our moments of weakness. Love, Kris :)

  6. This is I'm sure an unwelcome comment, but I'll just say it: don't worry about what any church says, ever. The golden rule/do unto others is really the only one that matters and you sound like a reasonable, non-judgemental person who probably doesn't look down upon other women who have the free will to date, fool around, even sleep with consenting partners as they figure out who they want to settle down with. Why are you subjecting yourself to the kind of constraint LDS would put upon you? You can be a good person who volunteers, gives back to the community, and has an active spiritual life without being a member of a church. Good luck with everything.