The last few months I have been working on my physical health. Through encouragement, self determination and plain loathing for my current physical state, I have been getting in more workouts. My food plan is high protein/low carb/high fat. While I know this plan works for my body, I have not been consistent with sticking with it.
In addition, I have been battling something spiritually and emotionally. While some of what I will touch on is based on my religion, please understand these are my choices. No one is forcing me. This is who I am and where I want to be . . . spiritually.
A couple months ago, right around Thanksgiving, I committed to my faith and was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. With this has come many beautiful blessings. It is what I have wanted for a very long time. In addition, by getting baptized I committed to abstain from a few things.
Ok. This part is super hard. So much doubt, confusion and even some anger is settling in right now. Typing this out is bringing tears with each keystroke.
This is my truth. I wish no harm to my family of friends that may take offense of be taken back by what I am sharing. This is my story. I can't hide from it.
As a teen I was always a little over weight. Nearing my sixteenth birthday I distinctly remember my mother saying to me how happy she was it would be my sweet sixteenth and never been kissed. Well, this wasn't the case at all. I had kissed boys. Then there was another conversation that I remember her telling me that she was grateful I was a little heavy because it had kept the boys away during my teen dating years. This came after a conversation about some neighborhood girls that had gotten pregnant very young or were causing their parents stress due to their dating and boy crazy behaviors.
The thing was...I had lots of male attention. I had been kissed. Much more than just kissed. I never went without a boyfriend. Yet somehow in my mind I associated being fat with being less desirable to the other gender. Never would I begin to imagine my mother meant harm from her comment. I know her reading this will not sit well. She never meant harm. I believe she was really meaning to say she was happy with my choices during the beginning of high hormone years. Yet, my mind has held to that comment to this day.
The thing is I have struggled my entire life with seeking validation through physical. It is my way to feel loved, valued and of worth. It is the way I show love. Touch is my language. So without getting into to much detail, my membership in my faith was taken away because of actions of immorality. Basically I have had sex and not been married.
Fast forward...today I am trying (like I have never tried before) to stay morally clean as I work to return to the temple. Somehow my mind interprets that as eat everything in sight because the boys will stay away if I am heavy.
There... I said it. It is like deep down I feel if I can only get heavy enough I will no longer be a temptation to men and I can move forward with my desire to stay morally clean. YES! I see all the flaws in that thinking. One, no matter how heavy I have been, I have never lacked male attention. Two, it takes all the power and gives it to someone else.
The crazy part is all these negative thoughts are happening at the same time I am working so hard to change my health. Workouts. Following a food plan. Reading from personal development.
It is enough to make me crazy. My weight has continued to go up since the day I got baptized. This piece of me does not trust that I can make choices that are in balance with my spiritual choices so I am self-sabotaging with food and gaining weight to become undesirable.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE???
I can't keep doing this. This crazy train has to stop and I want off. I have to find a place where I am okay taking care of my body physically (workouts, losing weight, looking and feeling good) and be able to move forward to my spiritual goals. I want to look and feel strong and beautiful and be able to move forward with attending the temple.
And another thing....this weight....it isn't keeping the boys away. They keep coming. So why am I doing this to myself?
I am aware this won't happen overnight. I know my way of thinking has been with me for so long that it will take daily work to change it. I am willing to do the work. My silence the last little while has been me working through all this. I have had to understand it to a point that I could even begin to say the words and speak my truth.
Today is a new day. It's my rock bottom.
This day started with me letting a male suitor know that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him any further (actually told him as I was in the middle of writing this). His attention and assertive actions to be with me were highly attractive. That is where it ended. My old way of thinking would be to allow this relationship to continue while I contorted myself to what he needed and never once asking for what I needed. I can't do that anymore. My value doesn't come from the man that stands beside me. In fact it doesn't come from the absence of someone beside me. My value is based on me. I am finally understanding this fully.
I can find a place where my physical, emotional and spiritual goals are met. I wish pursuing one didn't mean a struggle in another. Such is my life. The one thing I can say is that I am not quitting.
This morning I came across a picture I posted to Facebook on this day three years ago. I'm fighting to be her again. That girl was fighting. I will get back to that point and push further. I have done it once. I will do it again.
Okay, just a glimpse in my world....as I type this my two littles have now joined me. They are spraying my hair with water, combing it soft and putting crazy ponytails in it. I think I am done being introspective for now.
Time to get after this day.
Remember, I stated at the beginning this post was a little unorganized.