Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Learning To Care For Myself

It is so easy for me to get lost in the care of those I love.  If you are in my circle and tell me you are hurting, I will be there.  Dang, if you are not in my circle and tell me you are hurting, I will be there.  It is who I am.  This is not something I am ashamed of.  Caring for other, meeting the needs of others, nurturing...these are all things that bring me joy.  They do until I lose myself in it...and not in the good way. 

Honestly, I don't know if I know how to care for others and still maintain who I am and what I need.  For example, my son had surgery on the hematoma that he received Aug 7 after a tangle with a 4 wheeler.

Very quickly we went from this
 to this

to this

 which led to this.

Since surgery on Aug 28, we have continued to go in every other day for wound vac change. 

I don't regret any moment caring for my children.  Their health and safety is my first priority.  Like any parent, I am willing to go without to give them what they need.

However, this does not come without a cost.  This month I believe I have gained 10lbs.  I stopped getting in my daily workouts.  I stopped eating the way that is best for my body.  I DID drink my shakeology every day....I did at least that one good thing for myself each day.  I wasn't getting the sleep I needed. 

The thing I noticed the last little while is that I started getting super grumpy.  I became short with my kids.  The slightest thing would set me off. It wasn't pretty and I am not pleased with this.  Something needed to change for them and me.

Every day for the last two weeks I have woke up determined to eat clean and workout.  Let's just say each day I have gone to bed feeling broken and defeated.  I didn't do what I thought I was determined to do.  I just couldn't find my why.  This does not make for a good mental state. 

It was confirmed to me yet again that we are provided what we need when we need it.  I have been angry with myself.  Maybe I can explain it like this:

Say your child does something that they know they should not have.  You find out.  What is one of the first things you ask them?  Why?  Why did you do this?  Most often the response is, "I don't know."  I didn't always understand this but the truth is they most likely do not know why they did it.  They just did it. 

This is how I have felt about myself.  I know how to achieve my goals.  I have the resources I need to achieve my goals.  I just haven't.  Why did I eat that?  Why didn't I get up when my alarm went off?  Why? Why? Why?


I don't know.  I don't know the exact reason.  There are many to chose from.  The main point is all this the last few weeks has made me angry.  Just so happens I was reading in The Compound Effect today and the author was describing how anger is a great motivator.  Anger can call people to action.  Anger can make the silent, vocal.  Funny thing being angry with myself was quite possibly exactly what I needed.

Today I ate on my plan.

Today I listened a podcast from Shrinking Obesity and then read from The Compound Effect.

Today I moved my body.

Today I took all my Beachbody Performance Line Supplements.

Today I changed the dialogue running in my head (did you know we have the power to alter that?).

Today I modeled healthy behaviors for my children.

I completed Body Beast Legs.

Followed it up with Cize Full Out.
My girls joined me for Cize.  We are loving dancing together.

And finally this evening I took new Before pics.  I have been hiding not wanting to take these.  In fact I was in a group this last month where I was asked to take before and after pics as part of the group requirements.  I didn't take the before pics because (get this) I didn't think the after would show any difference.  How is that for self fulfilling prophecy? 

Enough of that.  I took them.  On October 8 I will put on these same clothes and take them again.  There will be a change.  I will be happy with my results. 

This girls does not begin to think she has all the answers.  (Why am I typing in third person)  I have fallen.  I have rested.  I have been trampled on.  I also get up each time I fall.  I am getting up!

Whatever it takes!

If you are interested in any of the Beachbody programs please visit my affiliate link. 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Better Late Than Never

As September approached I had ideas of a great new start.  New season.  New month. New week.  There is something about the turning of the calendar that gives me hope and renewal.  My plan was to announce a group of like minded people and enjoy September from day one with each day moving towards more of my health focused goals.

And then life happened. After a four-wheeler accident on August 7, my son FINALLY got to the person we needed and surgery was performed on Aug 28.

He did fabulous and is healing wonderful with the help of a wound vac.  This is everything that I have prayed for.  That said, school had also just started that week.

New routine after the end of our summer fun has thrown all of us.  So my point is, September 1 came...and September 1 went.  I never set up my group.  I never posted for people to join me.  With everything going on I believe I pulled away from social media the last week to a great extent. 

And then came the internal guilt.  I want o reach my goals.  I felt I missed my window.  The first passed.  Thought I could pull it together on the second.  The second passed.  On Thursday the third we did pull together at the last minute a celebration of joy party.  As a family we were so tired of all the yuck from August
  • lost both of our Newfoundland's within a 48 hour period.  Their deaths hit us hard.
  • three of us had strep
  • Keaton had his accident
  • three weeks of hematoma getting worse and worse
  • two of my childhood friends took their own lives
We decided to have a party.  Keaton and Isabella both had a birthday in August.  We did celebrate but we never did have cake and ice cream.

We sent out text invites and it was a joy to see our home filled with family and friends. It was even better to forget all the struggles for an evening and focus on the joy in our lives...of which there is much.

So as each day passed the story I started to tell myself was that I wasn't worth running a group or achieving my goals.  I started telling myself I was a phony because I couldn't pull it together when I wanted to do it.  For a minute I started to believe those stories.  I saw some things on FB that tore away some more at my self image and I decided I wasn't going to try to run the group.

Then I thought of a friend.  She had awesome success last month.  She happened to be in one of my challenge groups.  She did the work on her own but the accountability helped her stay focused.  I reached out to her and she agreed the lack of accountability the last week had thrown her a little. 

See I need the groups and it appears those in the groups need them as well.  There is something about checking in each day (in a safe place) that helps keep us on track and when we get of track it helps get us back on.

I start today.  I am creating my group super quick and will add people as the month goes on.  There are a few ready to go.  I am ready to go.  I need the accountability.  I need the community. 

In addition....I am going to blog.  I can't commit to it happening often.  My life is super busy and if I miss my expectation those stories will start back up.  I am shooting for weekly to start.  One post a week will keep me going for now and if I get more in even better.

I may be starting late.
I may be the turtle in the group.
I have so much to learn.
I still battle those stories I tell myself.

Late is better than never.
Turtles finish the race.
I have come so far already.
Those stories can change when I do the work.

I know I have been here before.  I know I have had these fresh starts before.  I know that as long as I don't quit, I have not failed.

My group is forming now.  We will start a prep week Monday, September 7.  We will officially launch Monday, September 14.

If you are interested.....even a little...contact me. 

If you can relate to something in my story we need to connect.  I need you.  You need me.
  • Obese the majority of my adult life
  • food addictions
  • food triggers
  • experience depression
  • mother
  • single parent
  • employed full-time
  • desire to stay active
  • desire to eat health
  • desire to teach your children better habits
  • pre-diabetic or diabetic
  • have children with weight concerns
  • body image issues
If you relate to any of these things....contact me at

We need each other.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

I SHOULD BE HAPPY.....And I Really Am

So here is what I posted to my FB like page today:
I'm sitting at my Dr.'s office. I'm a little happy. I haven't really said anything about what I have been doing because I was afraid it would be one more thing that wouldn't work for me.

HOWEVER, between regular (not even every day) 30 minute a day home workouts (thank you Beachbody), daily dose of whole food nutrition (thank you Shakeology and Beachbody), the right medical diagnosis and medicat
ions (which at this point can be reversed, thank you Wellness Center), surrounding myself with people that I believe in and believe in me (many I have never met in person), I am happy to report I AM DOWN 17 LBS IN 6 WEEKS!!!!

There is no quick fix. There is no magic pill, magic shake or magic wrap.

It is small efforts daily that over time bring big results and lasting changes.

So here is the deal.  Yes, I am thrilled I have lost 17 lbs.  Yes, I am happy the scale is finally moving in the right direction.  Yes, I am happy I have finally found answers and support and a correct balance just right for me. Yes, I am feeling better. 

I ALSO can't help but be sad that although I have lost 17 lbs., I am still at the heaviest I have ever been.  Although I am down 17 lbs., I think of what that means for what my heaviest weight actually was.  I couldn't bring myself to weigh here at home once I knew I had moved above a certain high weight.  When I weighed at the Wellness Center I was in shock at the number that stared back at me.  I am sad I allowed myself to struggle and stumble and fail so many times thinking it was all my fault.  I kept getting up and fighting each day when inside I felt like I was dying.  Nothing was working.  I DIDN'T KNOW!!  I didn't know that my body needed a little help. 

Now that I know what my body needs, I am seeing the results.  There is no one size fixes all.  There just isn't.  For me it wasn't just changing my food.  It wasn't just loving myself first.  It wasn't just focusing on my kids.  It wasn't just addressing my mental health.  It wasn't just working out.  It wasn't just medications. It wasn't just finding supportive people...my tribe.  It wasn't just letting go of people that hurt me more than they helped.  It wasn't just......ANYTHING!!!

For me it is all these things!

I keep typing out all this semi-motivational stuff and then I delete it.

All I want to say right now is THIS SUCKS. It is okay to be angry.  It's okay to be sad.  It's okay to be right where I am and feel the feelings I am having and not have to justify or push them away. I can be happy and sad at the same time!!!! OVERTHE EXACT SAME 17 lbs.!!!


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Always Try

Good morning and happy Saturday everyone.  I want to quickly share a video with you and my thoughts on something I have been struggling thinking about the last few days.  We don't have to have all the answers.  We don't have to be 100% to share who we are and what we want to do.  We just have to try.
Love you all,
Ok for some reason I am unable to get this darn video to load.  I'll try again tomorrow.   

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Finding My Groove

I have been reading in the book The Compound Effect the last little while.  I tried reading it a while back and quit half way through.  In fact as I look back, I was doing quite a bit of starting and not finishing things. 

Maybe I was giving up before I got in my groove. 

I have been reading that our daily disciplines are like the wheels of a steam locomotive.  At a complete stop, it doesn't take much to keep the wheels locked up.  The pistons only start moving with an incredible amount of steam.  This process is slow.  At the start movement can be easily measured.  Author Darren Hardy states
But once the train starts rolling, the wheels get into a rhythm.  If the pressure remains consistent, the train gains momentum and watch out!  At 55 miles an hour, that train can crash through a five-foot, steel-reinforced concrete wall and keep on going.
Just picture it.  Even with adversity and barriers, a train will continue to push forward.  Why can't that be me?  Or I am making that me.  It may be slow starting.  My progress may not even be visible at first.  But let me tell you, with consistent pressure I will get this body of mine making progress that won't be stopped. 

I already see it.  I already feel it.  This little engine that could is gaining momentum.  I am finding my groove and I won't let the twists and turns get me off track.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

We Are Breaking Up

For such a long time you were exactly what I needed.  I can't count how many sweat drops poured out while I was with you.  Pounds were lost.  Confidence found.  Friendships strengthened.  Fears crushed.  Barriers broken.  A community found.  For right around 18 months you were how I started my day.  I ran to you for sanctuary when everything in my world came crashing down.  Many Saturday afternoons were spent bringing my children to you for some splishing and splashing. You were my safe place.

Then everything changed.

The demands upon me changed.  Three children, added to my already four children, came to my home for love and safety.  As a single parent working a full-time job suddenly with a newborn and all the demands a newborn brings and a 3 year old with extreme night terrors...time with you was out of the question.  My body shifted to basic survival mode. At the same time my personal world experienced another shift....an end, one that wasn't expected BUT needed.  Everything I had was put into meeting the needs of seven children on my own.

After 9 months the three children returned to their mother.  As much as I rejoiced in this happening, I found my arms empty and my heart broken.  I had much healing to do.

Survival mode was now shifting to resting.  I needed to rest.  Rest my heart.  Rest my soul.  Rest my body.

Where were you?  Where was that community I had found?  No one called me asking how I was doing?  You took my money every month even though I objected.  I asked for a delay.  I asked for you to give me some time.  You told me there was nothing you could do.  You took my money every month.  In 12 months I came to you maybe 10 times and paid well over $1200.  So basically each visit cost me over $100.  You continued to take when I had nothing left to give. 

As I changed, as my needs changed, you refused to help or change with me. 

So today I am coming to you and we are officially breaking up.  I can't keep investing in you and you not being willing to invest in me.  I want a relationship that will yield mutual beneficial results.  I want a relationship that will change together.

It's been a while since I found what I needed. Yet, I held on to you, worried this new relationship wasn't going to work out.  With so many broken promises in my past, I wasn't fully ready to be all in.  I did hold on just in case I need to come back to you. I held to the idea that at one time you were everything I needed. Couldn't you be again? 

I can't be part in and part out any longer.  It's time for me to jump.  It's time for me to stop driving past you wondering. The only one to hurt from all this was me. You never even once acknowledged my absence.  I held back from giving my all to my new relationship and by doing so I held back on me.  I doubted.  I feared.  I struggled. 


We are breaking up!

I am ready to be all in.  I am ready to dedicate myself to my new relationship.  I am ready to invest in me and my children.  I am ready to stop wasting $100 a month because I am afraid to let you go. I have found a community that is genuinely invested in my success.  I have found a way to combine fitness and family in the same activity.  I am better able to model good behavior for my children because I am here for them to see me.  You never allowed my little ones to be with me. Now my babies, not just the teenage ones can experience this right along with me.  When I have struggled, my new community has checked on me, encouraged me and fought right along side me. In addition, as I have invested in this new relationship, I have found a financial opportunity that I could never have dreamed about.  How amazing is that?  Can you believe it?  A health and fitness relationship that doesn't take my money every month and never care a bit about me.  I have found something I am able to align myself with in balance with who and what I am about...faith, family, fitness, food and fun. 

So here I go.  I am headed over to the gym to cancel my membership.  That moment will allow me to truly JUMP into my Beachbody involvement.  So just in case any one doesn't know, I want it to be perfectly clear, I am an active Beachbody coach.  I love this company and the team I am surrounded by. It promotes nutrition, fitness, personal development and most of all...sharing health and wellness (physical and financial) with others.

So here goes.  I AM ALL IN. 

Today is my declaration.  I can't wait to see where this year is going to take me.  No more back and forth.  No more fear.  No more holding back.  I am ready to take my next step...and the next step. 

Watch me!  Join me!  Support me!

And now I have a paper to go sign.