Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Butterfly

The other day my dear friend Kathy, presented each attending member at our gym class with a beautiful butterfly ornament.  Mine has found a home hanging from my rear view mirror.  The gift has had me thinking the last few days.


I find myself wondering what struggle the caterpillar must go through in order to emerge a butterfly.  Does it have any idea what is happening to it’s body?  Does it know of it’s own beauty?  Is it scared it may not endure the transformation.  Does it ever ask, Why?  Why must I go through this?  Why can’t I stay as I am? 


As I think of this amazing creature, my thoughts turn inward.  What journey must I make?  What will I be when this is complete?  I awe at the thought that if the Master can take a simple caterpillar and transform him into the magical butterfly, oh praise……what must he have in store for me!! 


This journey is not easy.  There are days I want to give up and give in.  There are moments the fatigue begins to let in discouragement and fear.  Yet, luckily, I am prompted to attend Keaton’s gym class with him and the instructor gives out a butterfly.  I am buoyed up.  Today is a new day.  I am able to make new choices.  Begin again.  Grateful for my challenges.  Grateful for my journey.


I hope you also can find strength and motivation in the story of the butterfly. 




The story of the butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.

One day a small opening appeared.

He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours

as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.

Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and

snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.

The butterfly emerged easily but

it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it,

expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge

and expand enough to support the body,

Neither happened!

In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life

crawling around.

It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness

and haste did not understand:

The restricting cocoon and the struggle

required by the butterfly to get through the opening

was a way of forcing the fluid from the body

into the wings so that it would be ready

for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly

what we need in our lives.

Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.

We will not be as strong as we could have been

and we would never fly.

So have a nice day and struggle a little and teach well.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Picture Motivation

I have been in a terrible slump. I can not seem to stick to any plans I make. I have no self control. It is just pathetic. I can do better. I will do better. I remember this past summer how good I felt. I am a pretty shy person in general and when I was at my highest weight I saw it causing me to seclude myself more. When I was at my lowest in the summer I felt confident, I smiled more and was a happier person. I saw a change in myself, I opened myself up more and wasn't so worried about what people thought of me. I need to get back on track. When I am eating healthy I feel so good. When I eat crappy I have no motivation and feel terrible with zero energy. I wanted to post some pictures to show some of the results I have seen in the past year. 

These two pictures are from our trip to Hawaii last February. I seriously love that place! Magical. 
In these pictures I had lost 15 pounds..

Then by the Summer I had lost a total of 39 pounds. I can really see it in my arms. And I can tell you I felt the loss all over. It was amazing. 

A great moment was when I decided to try on my wedding dress. I got down to my wedding day weight and had to give it a try and it fit like a glove!

Well there ya go. My first personal picture post. I have a ways to go but it is great motivation to see what I have done so far.
Two big holidays are coming up, Christmas and New Years. These holidays usually involve lots of food and goodies. I am making a goal to not over do it. Control my portions and stay within my allowed calories for the day. I can do this!!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Week one Progress

Studying for tomorrow's final and nursing a sick baby back to health (on top of dance, work, math night at school, family home eveing, housework) has kept me from posting. But wanted to report that on Monday I weighed in at 270.8. Down 4 lbs. Doesn't seem like much but awfully better than gaining 4.

And can some one tell me why if I gain 4 lbs I can feel it in my clothes and see it on my body but when I lose 4, I dont think my clothes feel better or see it leave my body?  Just doesn't seem right does it?????

Still diligent. Avoiding triggers. Working out each day somehow, some way. Need to work on getting necessary rest.

Friday, I have been asigned to take treats to work for the 12 days of Christmas.  Can you believe that....really, a full twelve days that I get to fight my obsessions, deal with triggers and resist such beautiful things that my coworkers will bring in.  What do you suggest?  Low calorie or Low carb....low sugar?

Enjoy the journey!!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Saturday- Ready, Set, Go

I won't be weighing myself today.  Last night we attended my sister's Christmas party at the church for kids.  They served pizza, chips, fresh veggies and a slew of cookies and candy.  I indulged in a few cookies and caramel chocolates.  I really have to learn how to handle eating in a group setting.  I get anxiety even.  More on that another time.

Today I am starting the day with yoga.  I love the way I feel centered, restored and energized after a great yoga session.  Olaya is still asleep so maybe I can actually finish the entire routine.  After that, today we have Bountiful Basket pickup, Belle will be performing at the festival of trees, I have to isolate myself at the computer lab on campus to catch up on some paper writing and then hopefully make it to the gym in the evening for a elliptical cardio workout.  After that I would like to play Just Dance 2 with the kids for our family time.  Really just want to cuddle up with a Christmas movie and snuggle my little bugs.  Maybe we will save that for tomorrow after church.

Keeping up the energy is key today.  Hope everyone gets a chance to take care of you today.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Motivation Quickie

Not much time to write tonight.  Had my grad class and I am spent.  But just wanted to put up a motivation for tomorrow.  I have been thinking about this as I wake up.  When I don't make it to the gym all I have gained is one hour of sleep and a lot of negative self talk. I know Avril and I grumble as we walk in the gym but we are crazy happy as we walk out.

Wasn't Expecting That

Day 4 at the gym....getting easier to get out of bed.  Avril doesn't have to text me orders to get up.  Excited to get up all the way until I walked out the front door.  It is going to be hard to not only leave my bed but walk out in below freezing temperatures.  Thinking this may be the year I can justify a remote car start for the Suburban.

I will write more about this tonight, but I want to share a short clip of the class Avril and I stumbled upon today.  It is Body Pump.

Even as I was thrilled to push my body through the exercises, something different was happening.  My emotionally body responded in ways I wasn't prepared for.  There I was in the back of the room, tears streaming down my face.  Not is a blubbering, sobbing way.  It felt more like a cleanse. 

I have to get back to work, on my lunch break, but I wanted to get this out there and hear from anyone else that may have the same thing happen.  I have some ideas about why this happened but I am new to all of this.  What do you think?

Do you ever cry through a really great physical workout?

Whats for Dinner

I love finding healthy versions of foods I love. Here is what is on the menu for dinner tonight...Buffalo Chicken Rolls
You can find the simple recipe here at the Can You Stay For Dinner Blog.
I will probably be using a different cheese not a big fan of blue cheese and maybe get some light ranch for dipping.  Yum, can't wait.
Update-Made these with Mexican blend cheese. Used Lite blue cheese dressing to dip but sure enough I can not stand blue cheese. So I did not use any dip after that. Ranch would be good, I just did not want the extra calories.  These turned out really good and were so easy to make. That's my kind of dinner. 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What Have I Learned

I was hoping Sharen would post that quote about "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I know food is such an issue for me. I enjoy the smell of it, the feel of it, the way it brings people together, the sounds of joy people make when they eat my food… much of it is so good. Yet, the thing I have been avoiding is the reaction it has on my body. I think I have been more in the school of "Live to eat instead of eat to live." So the last few days….it has been coming on for a while…I have tried to ask does this taste as good as the goal I want to reach? Not to mention, I don't want to destroy the success I started my day with, day three of the gym.
 Today I almost didn't make it to the gym. Olaya woke a few times last night crying out. Worried she was having nightmares, when my alarm clock went off I text Avril, my workout buddy, that I would not be going to the gym today. Even as I sent the words, I shuttered with the idea that I wasn't going to have my one hour. I wasn't going to have my fall back if the day went bad to say no matter what I gave myself this time. I am learning to remember there are no excuses. Get to the gym.

Today was a fast and furious day at work. Starting the day with three children's dental appointments left me feeling like I was running behind all day. I worked through lunch. I am frustrated with my lack of planning. We got out of the house without breakfast as we rushed to the dentist. By the time we were done, everyone was hungry and we were rushing back to get kids to school, Olaya to daycare and me to work. In comes McDonald's. UGH!! I got the kids a sausage mcmuffin, hash browns, and a sausage burrito. I got me a fruit and yogurt parfait. Sadly after eating my yogurt, I gobbled up the leftover burrito and ¼ of a mcmuffin. What is with me and not being able to throw food away? It happened before I even knew what I had done. Being on the go is hard on me. I feel forced to eat bad things. However, I did try to make up for it the rest of the day. Sadly I worked through lunch but had a hardboiled egg during my afternoon break. Again, tonight was me running carpool for the littles to kid gym, scouts', basketball practice all after picking up Olaya from day care. You have no idea how tempted I was to pick something up. I scanned the restaurants on Yellowstone and was overwhelmed with shame. I can't give my kids crap. We came home, quickly made simple sandwiches with leftover baked ham served with fresh veggies. How easy was that? Why do I think I have to feed my family a five course meal for dinner? Do I feel guilty from being gone from them all day? And can you believe after I finished half of mine I was full. In other news… I won't list my food intake every day. This blog itself is a journey. I hope it is a place to find support and inspiration. I encourage readers to leave comments. Give me tips. Tell me what has worked for you. Give me tips for the gym, menu planning, avoiding triggers. ANYTHING!!! My sister Sharen is a huge inspiration. She has already had great success making me want to reach my goals all the more.

I am feeling good. Realizing I am only three days into this, I can already see measurable progress. I am more alert during the day. I am more positive. My appetite has gone down. People have already responded with encouragement and want to get started with us. This journey is not a one man show. It is all of us. A network of love and support. I am seeing the scale move already. Posting weight will only happen once a week but I can see the numbers moving. YIPEE!!! So off to bed with me. Let the comments begin. Over 100 hits since the last post. Spread the word. Join the site. Share this journey with us.

Love ya,


Regaining My Momentum

SparkPeople has been a major part of helping me reach my almost 40 pound weight loss. In January I started a weight loss competition and progress was measured through the sparkpeople site. I have been using Spark People to find motivation, track my food and weight loss, and keep me focused. When I find myself struggling I have been able to turn to Spark for inspiration. Just yesterday I was reading this article on Spark... 25 Ways to Get Back on Track Today. I had so much momentum with weight loss the first half of this year. And since September I have had little momentum or motivation. I choose to do some of the items listed in the article to get me back on track...
1. Eat a healthy breakfast. I oddly have really been enjoying a bowl of oatmeal and a banana for breakfast.
2.Drink Water. I always have water on me now! I notice such a difference. So this is a HUGE one to do.
3.Look at motivational spark pages. I love to see other people find success in this difficult battle. Seeing others before and after pics are a great motivation for me. (which makes me consider posting some of mine, we shall see)
4. Track food- not the best at this but it is something nice to do.
5.Share my Goals. This blog is where I am sharing my goals. I will be changing them each week.
6. I already workout regularly so I am now trying to give a little more effort in the exercises.

I am working my momentum back up and it feels so good. I am already seeing results just in the past three days. I know its so hard to get out of the rut of too much food consumption but you just have to make the decision to use portion control and better food choices. Then stick to it. Like the saying goes... Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Make It Happen

Recently my thoughts have been deep in where I find happiness. There are moments (more often than not) I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings I have showering upon me. I often feel, "It doesn't get better than this." Yet, I also find myself asking, "Really, is this all there is?" Some of the time I probably gravitate somewhere between the two.

Overall, I do know, without a doubt, that I am blessed beyond measure. It is certainly a conscious choice to start each day with an attitude of gratitude. Even though my deepest desire is to be home with my children, I thank my Heavenly Father for a profession I love, co-workers I enjoy to spend my days with and the ability to serve the public every day. I thank my Heavenly Father for healthy happy children that know how to help so we can all get out the door on time. As I drive Olaya to the sitter each day, I pray she will know I love her. I pray she will grow up knowing her mother worked hard to provide a better life for her and will understand drive and determination. Most of all, I extend a prayer to LesLee a trusted child care provider that makes the separation easier. I know when I place Olaya in her arms, Olaya will be loved and cared for. Of this I have no doubt.

So where is my happiness? It is within me. It is a choice. A choice I make every day (some better than others, I admit). There are days, like today, when I am blindsided with news that sends me into a panic. Feeling physically sick to my stomach dominated my afternoon. I fought back tears as I struggled to keep a smile on my face. However, after I worked through this event I realized I had a choice to make. Sit home and be sad this evening or take my kids to dinner to celebrate the love I have in them. (I know, I used food to create an environment where I felt safe and could enjoy my children….on the other hand….I was emotionally and physically exhausted….there was no way I was going to come home and cook dinner.) So off we went. I felt better. The kids and I visited. We had wings at Wingers. Which I do say wasn't horribly bad.

Today I had a Bodywise Protein shake for breakfast, during lunch break went tanning (great for fighting off depression), for afternoon snack had cottage cheese, sugar free bread and butter pickles and a hard-boiled egg. At Wingers, I asked for the wings with no sauce and then I pulled most of the fried skin off before I ate. Coincidentally, I didn't eat very much because Olaya needed me to hold her while she ate.

So now as I prepare for bed I just want to say, I make it happen. I decide to be happy each and every day. I decide to make the changes I need to see the results I want to see. I get out of bed at 4:30 in the morning when my bed is trying to hold me in, wrapping me in warmth and saying, "you will be much happier staying here with me." That said….I better get to sleep so that my blankets don't hold me down in the morning.

Today I was down 1 lb. We did treadmill and recumbent bike for 30 minutes and then lower body exercises on the machines for 30 min.



It is Tuesday. I ate some oatmeal with a banana for breakfast. I enjoyed seeing a two pound weight loss on the scale this morning. Still not down to my lowest of this year. I have a weigh in next Wednesday for my spinning class. I want to be down at least four more pounds by then. I know it is achievable. So here's to a great week ahead. I am still working on my goals I posted before. I'm doing good on water and no candy. I say no candy but I do allow sugar still in my diet. Like last night as a family we went to a Monday night football party. There were margaritas and I allowed myself to drink some of it but not the entire glass. I'm learning to use moderation and portion control. That has been my weakness. I indulge and find myself consumed in my food. I don't like the feeling of continually being full. I was going like that for almost 2 weeks up until this weekend. I am learning to find other things to fill my time to get my mind off of food. I am so grateful for my body. I realize I have been taking it for granted. I want to enjoy life and love me. God wanted me here on earth for a reason and I have not allowed myself to reach my full potential. I am not holding myself back anymore. I deserve better! 

Monday, November 28, 2011

Not Waiting For the First of the Year

I realize starting a fitness journey again is not usually done just before the holidays.  However, when is it a good time to eat through every emotion, weigh more than during pregnancy and be sad every time you see yourself in a full length mirror???  Never.  So this girl has no more excuses.

This is important to me.  Today I was at the gym at 5 in the morning.  We did the first day of a 5K training program (1.25 miles, 25 minutes) and then lifted free weights (upper body) for 35 minutes.  I had a BodyWise protein shake for breakfast and lunch, one light snack of cottage cheese and sugar free bread and butter pickles and tonight (hour and a half of shuttling kids) I had a fresco chicken soft taco and bean burrito from Taco Bell (don't judge me).  Then tonight a pear for a snack.  Always room to improve but better than what it could have looked like.

I am ready to put this out there.  At least I think I am.  My weight.  UGH!!  I struggle with posting it but my deepest hope is that if even one person can relate to my situation and can find strength from my journey, then posting a few numbers is worth it.  I thought of waiting until I had lost 50 lbs and then stated where I was and just let people do the math but really who am I kidding??  Part of my problem is that I can hide behind clothes and my "pretty face" to hide my real size.  So here goes.  Hoping by posting this it will be the last time I see these numbers.

And while I am not ready to post a full length picture in a sports bra and spandex...I will post a few pictures from recent days.

Today before work.

A couple weeks ago at work.

Halloween Trip to Salt Lake

Midnight Madness Craft Night.....Notice my beautiful mom and sisters. 
I want to be more like them.

274.2 lb - Nov 28, 2011

NO EXCUSES!!!  Time for bed.  Four thirty comes pretty early.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Battle

I was on a roll with this weight loss journey. By the end of the summer I had lost almost 40 pounds. Then something happened. School started up again, but it was different than the previous semester. More stressful and no access to the gym. Although I did not have a gym membership I had signed up for yoga, spinning and cardio hip hop. I guess My body is used to this much activity or got bored with it and to top it off my eating has been TERRIBLE. So what happened...I gained weight. I'm up 6pounds from my lowest. But it feels like 20. I don't have the confidence I had while I was on my losing streak. My body felt amazing. I loved putting on clothes. So how do I get that back. I still have three weeks of school, it will be stressful but I need to find a way to stay healthy while being stressed out. Life is going to continue to have difficult times and I need to learn to deal with them in healthy ways. Every day I have been saying ok I have eaten horribly so far today, be smart the rest of the day but then I just indulge again. Thanksgiving was two days ago, I ate a ton. And we have a lot of unhealthy food laying around so I need to get the healthy stuff out and drink lots of water. I know when I am constantly drinking water I am hungry much less. Back to school, I have 3 weeks left and I want to  break my lowest record. I need this for me. I am going to push myself and I would like to post on this blog to keep track and hold my self accountable. Wish me luck. Here I go.

Goals for this week:
1-Drink atleast 8 glasses of water a day.
2-Eat less, burn more
3-No candy

Friday, February 4, 2011


Since my last post I'm happy to say my weight loss is now....down 11 pounds. I'm doing better at eating good portions. Last night I didn't eat late at night which I know really makes a difference. The two nights before last night I had a bowl of lucky charms...terrible. And RIGHT before bed. I have a hard time falling asleep so you would think I would be smarter about what I choose to eat. I mean seriously lucky charms? packed with sugar. Whatever...Im not going to beat myself up over it.

-Today I tried nutella with a banana. OHHHHHH I cant tell you how much I loved it! And don't worry I didn't over do it.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


I have been doing better since the new year. Lost 8 pounds but have been stuck there. Its ok though I could of gained all those back but I havent. I need to get back on track and find the motivation I had 3 weeks ago.