Reflecting

A few years ago, upon losing 30 lbs with LA Weightloss, a friend and I went to Hawaii.  This picture was taken on our dolphin cruise.  As best I remember, I was 230 lbs at the time of the trip.  The bottom picture is from last week and at 248 lbs.  

 

 

Although I am not making these changes to look "hot" or fit some ideal of beauty, I can't help but think, this time when I get to 230 lbs I am going to look even better than when I went to Hawaii.  Do I look younger in the current picture?  Or am I just seeing things that I want to see?  It could be that I wasn't waxing my eyebrows back then.....hmmmm.  That alone is frightening me in the older picture. 

And I can't help but see that happiness makes all the difference.  I value the woman I am today.  I am headed in the right direction.  The people surrounding me, lifting me, encouraging me, sharing this journey are people with like values, dreams, fears and desires.  As I want nothing but the best for them, they want nothing but the best for me. 

With all my perfect flaws, I lead a charmed life.  I can see it in my reflection.  THIS is a good thing.

Time to start planning a celebratory tropical vacation.  I am thinking January or February time. 

Who is with me?????

This girl is ready to hit the next 30 days hard.  So much coming up.  12 Step Recovery Women's Retreat for OA early September.  FitBloggin conference the 20th of September.  Boise 5K Color Run in October.  Life.  Kids.  Work.  Faith. 

I am ending my day with a calming 30 minute yoga session and off to bed with me.

Hope you all (the three of you that read this) are ready to acheive your goals.  We are in for a fabulous ride.

Thanks for allowing me to share this journey with you.
 

Fear

As I work with my therapist, fear is often a topic we address.  Fear and pain actually.  Really, my fear of pain.  What is there to say, I don't like it.  I want to avoid it. Can I just say to the Heavens, I have experienced my fair share and from here on out I can go without??

Yeah, didn't think so.

For the last few weeks I have been thoughtfully reminding myself to "Lean Into It"...meaning the pain.  He recommended this mantra just as we ended the session.  He and I didn't discuss it much.  So for the last few weeks I have diligently tried to understand what he meant and more importantly, what it means to me.

I think of the delivery of my fourth child, Olaya.  My first two deliveries, while un-medicated, were in no way "natural".  I was on my back.  No pain management.  No real support except counting through contractions.  A Dr. that was only concerned with getting baby here and less about my overall experience welcoming this spirit into the world.  My third was an adoption, so yes, that was the most physically painless one.

With Olaya, I took a natural, holistic approach to her entry.  I worked with my body, not against it.  As a contraction, or as the pain came on, I used it, knowing that only through that "pain" would my baby come into the world.  I didn't fight the contractions.  Labor was beautiful, transcendent even.  I leaned into the pain, embraced it.  By doing so,  it was the least "painful" of my deliveries.

I think of the wind.  When the wind blows hard and we have to walk through it, if we stand against it, the force can knock us over.  It is when we lean into the wind that we are able to cut through it.  We tuck in our chin, lean forward and push through.  There is always some resistance.  However, any real progress comes when we lean into it.

And so with us, with me, I am learning to lean into the pain.  I am learning to stand in it.  Feel it out.  Live in it.  Accept it.  Embrace it.

There are things in my life I wish were different.  Some days I ponder over having this or that and if that would make my life so much better. I think of the delivery with Olaya.  My mantra was this is right for me and my baby.  I repeated it over and over.  This is right for me and my baby.  This is right for my body.  This is right for me.

Today, I am learning I can still say those words.  Where ever I am....where ever you are.....this is right for you.  Whatever you are experiencing at that moment, it is right for you.  The pain.  The heartache.  The changes.  The joy.  The miracles.  The laughter.  It is where you are meant to be.  It is where I am meant to be.

Every day I remind myself, this is right for me at this time. This is right for me and my body.  I am challenging myself to work with and lean into the pain.  Fighting only leaves me in more pain and no growth and no progress. 

That said, this week has been tough emotionally and physically.  My baby has been sick since last Sunday.  Guilt has been strong this week.  I want nothing more than to be home nursing my baby back to health.  However, I have so much work to do.  I have sick time but not a break in my schedule to fit it in.  The week was filled with events.  My 9 year old's birthday.  School registration for a middle schooler and a high schooler.  Dance registration for the girls.  Desire to hit the gym hard to work out my stress, yet wanted to spend every moment after work home with my kids.  An early morning call from the police department telling me my boys were out walking the streets.  This event scared me as a mother.  I questioned my ability to parent these kids.  Sometimes I fear the world will see I have no business training and raising other humans and take away my parent card.  I got through it.  I took each event in stride.  Did what I could, when I could.  I reminded myself, I got this.

Through all of it, as happy as I am with who I am and where I am going, my heart ached to finish the day in the embrace of someone's arms telling me that it is going to be alright.  I have no doubt I can get through the day.  It is those few moments when the world quiets, when calm settles in my home, when I prepare to close my eyes that I long for something different.

This week was a true example of putting my money where my mouth was.  Each night I evaluated what I was feeling.  I lived in it.  Allowed myself to feel alone.  Allowed myself to hurt.  And I thanked my Father for all my many blessings.  I thanked him for giving me the opportunity to grow.  I thanked him for giving me four amazing spirits to love and learn from.  I thanked him for not abandoning me in my time of need.  I thanked him for giving me the ability to move my body.  To push myself to new limits.  I thanked him for forgiveness.  I forgave myself of the guilt.  I forgave myself for not eating how I should. I thanked him when I woke in the morning with another chance to do better.

This week was tough.  I am glad it is over.  I am pleased I made it. 

This morning I joined a friend for a hike/run.  We walked 1.7 miles up and ran 1.7 miles down.  We had a great talk through the whole thing.  I love that!!!  Makes the time go by so fast.  We even got a cat call at the end as we ran past a bunch of men preparing to head up the trail on bikes.  We ran past and I said good morning.  One man says good morning back and says there is nothing better than seeing pretty girls running by saying good morning.  AHHH...GROSS and SWEET at the same time.

Happy Saturday everyone. Wishing you peace and joy in all you do this weekend.  Be good to you!!

Now Am I Acceptable?

For the last few weeks I have hovered around a weight.  Prior to getting here, I was having great progress in dropping the pounds.  I was motivated, worked hard and stayed focused....and loved every minute of it.  Then something happened when I entered the 250's range.  It all stopped.

I was one day on.  I was one day off.  I binged.  I purged (dont' judge me).  I exercised harder, faster, stronger.  I cheated on my food plan.  I got angry with myself.  I forgave myself.  Constantly, I was in this flux.  I wanted to progress.  I didn't want to budge.

WHY??

Well, that is where we get into a little of my crazy.  Be warned, this is the real stuff.

A few years ago I had a friend, a guy friend.  Initially we met under the expectation of potentially dating.  However, as much as we enjoyed each other's company, there was no chemistry either way and we became good enough friends.  I even later set him up with one of my girl friends.

We did spend considerable time together and as often does, he made comment upon my physical appearance.  He repeatedly stated that I was beautiful.  Complimented me when we went out.  Since he was telling me things as "a friend", I grew to trust his words to some degree.  The term beautiful does and will possibly forever make me squirm however.

Fast forward a certain amount of time.  One day, in a comment, not directed at me, he made reference to the weight of women wanting to date him.  His comment went something like this.

FB POST:  Women, I love all the attention, but seriously, if you weigh over 250lbs, maybe you should get yourself in check before you come chasing me.

I think you get the idea.

Oh did I grab hold of that statement.  I internalized it and never let it go.  It has haunted me for going on 5 years.

Couple things happened in my head when I read that.  First, I weighed over 250 lbs at the time, not by much but still over, just the same.  So on one hand he was telling ME, I was beautiful, while at the same time he tells me (not actually me but I took it this way) my weight made me unacceptable to him.  A number.  A number on a scale somehow made the person I was undesirable, worthless and (I felt) disgusting.

Don't consider I am educated.  Don't look at my ability to love.  Don't see me as a mother.  Don't look at my ability to maintain gainful employment.  In fact, don't look or know anything about me......except a number.....a number that made me unacceptable.

Not to mention, the lie I felt he told me.  The lie I began to believe everyone told me when they use the word beautiful.  Now, I realize through all this, he probably never meant to hurt me.  To this day, he probably has no idea that I took his comment and made it about me.  But these are the messages a "larger" woman receives every day from all directions.  You are beautiful.  You are ugly. 

Second, I felt the desire to prove him wrong.  I will show you.  A plus size woman is desirable and the fact that I don't go very long with out male attention proves it (not saying I am all that...or even close to all that).  Something in me wanted to rebel against his statement.  Well, that approach isn't so healthy either.  I am going to stay a physically unhealthy weight just so that you (man who knows isn't even in my life now) will be proven wrong.

In the very least, as I approached the 250 lb mark, I struggled internally.  I fought to get below it.  Yet I sabotaged those efforts in order to stay above.  Even writing this out hurts.  Ashamed this is my issue.  Ashamed I allowed some arbitrary person to define me.

No more.  I am acceptable just the way I am.  I am desirable as a woman with so much to offer.  That number is not who I am.  I have discussed this issue with my support system and in great detail with my therapist.  We prepared to move past it.  I visualized it.  I got on track with my OA recovery.  I forgave myself of the pain I inflicted upon myself.  I surrendered to my higher power.  I gave it all to Him.

Today, I stepped on the scale and the number flashed back 248 lbs.  I was thrilled.  I had to catch my breathe even.  I did it.  I broke through.  Letting go of the mental and emotional, allowed a physical result.  Can't deny that it felt really good to see that number. 

Then as I was in the shower, I started thinking.  Truth is, I got angry.  Yesterday, I was no different than I am today.  Let me say it again.  At 251 lbs, I was no different than at 248 lbs.  Somehow I thought there would be a horn sounding and it would be announced to the world that I was now on the acceptable list.  Nope.  Nothing happened.  I did write this blog post.  Otherwise, the world continued spinning with no care that I was now under 250 lbs.  That number I allowed to define me.....MEANS NOTHING.  I am the same.  And I like me, just the way I am.

That said, I will continue to strive to be healthy.  I work hard (it is work).  But I enjoy pushing my body.  I love when the endorphins kick in during a great workout.  And most, I love having my babies with me at the gym and as we incorporate being active every day.

We are eating healthier.  As much as I love adding activity to our daily life, food is the main change.  I am good to myself when I eat.  I eat foods that will fuel my body and not trigger me to cause harm.  The true change has been in the way I eat and approach food in general.



April 2012-at the beginning of this journey

Can you see the change?

Today, down 30 lbs

 Tonight my regular Zumba class was cancelled so I went over to Gold's for cardio work.  My friend Karianne found me and asked me to join her for RapidFit class.  WHEW!!!  Glad I did.  It was nice to hear the trainer tell me I worked that pretty well.  He was impressed with my energy and I told him I train at Spencer-King and explained the training I am doing in Strength and Conditioning.  He understood how I could do so well in his session.  WOO HOO!!  

Happy Tuesday everyone.

Work hard! 

No matter what....

KNOW,

you are perfect just the way you are.

Friday Night Sweat

It would have been easy to skip tonight's workout.  I just was not feeling it.  The desire to stay in, forget the hectic work week and prepare to pick up my girls tomorrow was sounding more important.  I WENT ANYWAY! 

Tonight I just worked on cardio.  Got a good sweat going.  Heart rate up.  Watched Drop Dead Diva on Netflix while I moved.  How awesome is that?

Post Workout

After the movie, I joined my parents, sister and her hubby at the movies....well, I first went to a different theatre, bought my ticket, went in and waited until I realized they were not there and actually watching the movie at the other dollar theatre where I then proceeded to buy yet another ticket and join them....I went directly there.  I didn't head home to change.  I didn't redo my makeup.  In fact my back had a seat mark all the way down.  LOVE ROCKIN THE SWEAT MARK!!!  I didn't care.  It is almost like having a baby and not caring about the slobber stains on your shoulder.  They are badges on honor worn proudly shouting to the world, "I am a parent."  Same thing.  Only now I shout, "I just worked out and find joy in honoring my body each and every day!!"  OK I may not get all that detailed.  It just shouts, "I am taking care of me."  It is possible to enjoy some time at the gym and still have time to hand out with family.  How great is that?

Friday night and I am a little eager to get to sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be jam packed with goodness.  Morning hike.  Box aerobics.  OA meeting.  Drive to Salt Lake City with my wonderful sister.  Attend JoDee Messina concert.  Get my girls back from a few day stay with their dad.  Stay in a hotel w 24 hour gym access.  Pick up two of my aunts from the airport Sunday and drive them home to Pocatello.  Only two of us going down and six of us coming back. A weekend of goodness.

What are your plans for the weekend?   How will you be good to your mind, body or spirit?