Monday, May 20, 2013

A Little Spin Out

UGH!!!  There is a certain piece of technology that is not my friend today.  In fact, I feel this friend has betrayed me.  Lied to me.  Deceived me.  Crushed my dreams even.  After a week of greatness.  A week of every time we met leaving me feeling better about myself.  We had 6 days of wonderful.  For it to all end like this........
Today the scale was up 1.2 lbs.
Seriously, how is this possible?
As of today I am 7 days abstinent (no wheat/no sugar).
After a successful week, my typical behavior is to reward myself with a bad weekend.  NOT THIS WEEKEND!  I rocked workouts and eating clean all weekend.
Sunday I celebrated two non scale victories.
Every day for one week the scale was down.....ever so little each day.....but down still.
This morning......up 1.2.
Makes no sense.
I told myself all the things I would tell my friends.  Don't put to much into what the scale says.  There is not possible way you could gain 1.2 real lbs in a day when you only ate 1100 calories and ran two miles and walked 3 miles. Maybe you got salt in your diet yesterday.  Focus on the measurements, how your body feels, how hard you are working.  DON'T WEIGH YOURSELF EVERYDAY!!!
Yeah, well....
it didn't work.
All day I struggled emotionally.  Externally I did what I knew I needed to do.  I drank my water.  I ate clean.  I read from my OA literature.  I planned to move my body  after work.  Internally, I was a temper tantrum throwing toddler saying, "This isn't fair."  I questioned everything I know about the science of my plan.  I questioned my body. I questioned the process.  I questioned me.  I QUESTIONED ME.......not good. 
By the time I met up with my trainer, I was spinning out.  Kort is awesome.  He pushes my body.  He demands/encourages more from me than I know I have.  And then I hit him with tears.  Is there a chapter in the trainer manual titled "How to Reel Them Back In When They Are Spinning Out"?
This is the I continue to eat clean, my appetite continues to go down.  It seems my calorie intake this last week has been a little on the low side.  Kort is advising me not to go below 1500 calories.  Hearing this sent me to a tiny panic.  Telling a food addict they need to eat more is complicated.  Usually my problem is needing to eat less.  I understand what he was telling me.  It makes logical sense.  The science is there.  Now if I can just get my emotions out of it.  As he explained my body could very well be holding fast to every last calorie I consume due to the high calorie burns and low calorie intake, all I could hear more. What...I am working so hard not to eat more.  He talked me through it.  Poor guy.  There is so much more to personal training than just rep counting.  I am grateful I have him to work things out with.  He gives me direction.  Helps me trust the process, especially today when I wanted to spin out.
One last note....we all have those people that quietly stand on the side lines cheering us on.  They don't get a lot of acknowledgement.  They don't have titles like trainer, healer, therapist and so forth.  They are the ones that smile at you when you pass on the soda at the family dinner.  They are the ones that make sure there are foods for you to eat at your in laws house for Easter.  They are the ones that witness your behaviors first hand and love you anyway.  They are the ones that see you standing in the pantry late at night and come over and hug you, ever so gently pulling you away from the pantry and closing the door.  They are the ones that didn't come into this as an expert in their field.  They probably didn't have any idea what loving someone with a food addiction would mean.  And yet, they love you anyway.  They feel your pain.  They rejoice in your success.  And sometimes, they go unnoticed along this journey. 
To my husband, to those people for you, you do not go unnoticed.  You are the strength.  You are the reason. 
You are my everything.  Love you babe!! 
I finished the day strong.  After talking things out with my trainer, we went on to have a great full body strength training session.  I came home to a picnic dinner with my family and let the scale leave my mind.  That scale, as much as I thought it was this last week, is not my friend.  It never will be.  It will never be able to tell me the full story.  I know the full story.  My non scale victories tell me.  I see the work, the effort, the tears and the sacrifice it takes to progress. 
You SCALE will not take that from me.
DAY fought me the end.....I rocked you!!!!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

This Week.... but mostly today....NSV

 To start, a few pics of the week

Eating Clean

Monday Training

Wednesday Training
Friday Wedding and Reception-
Ate Clean.....That was Hard!!!
Friday Night....proud of this one...after wedding reception
30 minutes before closing time

Friday after gym
10:00 p.m. watching my man

Sunday morning run

Today was a first.  Before church, I enjoy getting in a quick run.  Today I was running late when hubby encouraged me to run from home instead of driving to the gym.  NOT COMFORTABLE!!  You have no idea.  Running in the gym I feel like I am in a safe place.  Public roads have not been safe for me in the past.  I can't count how many times I have heard fat insults yelled at me from passing cars as I have tried to move my body on public roads.  The gym or walking/running with friends has kept me safe.  This run was on my own. 

Guess what..... no one yelled, honked or insulted me.  I didn't even run just in my neighborhood, I ran on a busy main street.  This was huge for me.  Thrilling even.  Not that no one will ever yell insults at me again, however at this point in my journey I don't think it would shake me as it once did.

Second, my first mile came in under 15 minutes and mile two hit at 29:39.  I have been trying to get under 15 minutes forever.  I am proud to admit I am slow.  I am slow but steady....progressing.  The rest doesn't matter.  Each run I go further and maybe just a little bit faster.

Many amazing moments have happened over the last week.  I am going to sleep today putting day 7 of abstinence to rest.  My food addiction is back in recovery.  No wheat/no sugar is becoming easier each day.  My body is feeling stronger.  Keeping it just to one day at a time.  I can't say I will be abstinent next week, next year.  I can say I will be tomorrow.  I can say my next choice will be to be good to me.

Thanks friends for all of your support.  Thank you to all those that have reached out the last few weeks.  I am humbled and honored that you trust me with your story and journey.  I am not an expert but I sure can share my experience.

For now......

Goodnight all.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

What I Learned From Basketball

This weekend the girls and I are joining my husband as he enjoys his favorite thing in the  Side note.....after a three week separation, we mutually decided our marriage was worth fighting for.  With many changes, a few ruffled feathers and many prayers, we are moving forward together better than ever. While attending all of the two day tournament and watching all 9 games Kevan will ref is not an option, I do enjoy the time I get to observe him doing what he loves best. 

My little Olaya cheers for "dad" the entire time.  Go daddy, go.  She doesn't understand he is not actually playing the game and that is okay.  Everyone around us laughs at her enthusiasm.  Watching Kevan look to her across the court is stunning.  I don't know who smiles more, my Olaya or my husband.  Every day she becomes more his and he becomes more hers.  The process is beautiful to watch.  Even though the tournament is not in our hometown, my Belle still managed to find friends from school.  She can make friends anywhere. 

The particular game we watched ended with a 43, 32 score.  At one point earlier in the game the spread was over 20 points.  The boys on each side pushed on.  They continued as if each play was the most important of the game.  As I observed the final 6 minutes of the game something stood out to me.  The losing team never quit.  Even when it was evident there was no possible way they could come back for a win, they never stopped pushing forward.  WHY?  I kept wondering how they could do that.  In athletics why do they continue to the final second when it is so very evident one team can never possibly bridge the gap in points.  I understand the close games.  Of course even 2 seconds can change a close game. 

Yes, surprisingly I know, I was a little tearful watching the losing team battle all the way to the end.  It almost feels like torture to make them finish.  Why isn't there a rule to call the game?  Seriously!  This is what I was thinking.

Then I realized, my thoughts were not about them, it was more about me.  I am stuck.  Stuck in a place I don't want to admit.  Stuck trying to manage all the different spheres of my life.  While one is better than ever, another spins out of control.  I see that as the odds look like I am not going to win or succeed in a certain aspect, I toss in the towel and say why keep trying.  The thing is, most people that know me would say I am nothing like this.  They would say quitting is not an option for me.  To some degree this is true.  The race is not over, the war is not won.  Yet, I may have thrown a few battles. 

So what did I learn from basketball yesterday?  Don't quit.  Even when the score board says I am losing with no time for a come back, stay in the game.  Win or lose, the important part is how I play the the finish. 

Happy Saturday everyone.  Kevan has 5 more games to ref.  The girls and I are going to explore our surroundings until he is done later this evening.  My goal today, be good to me and my body.  Enjoy the time I have with my girls.  Madly missing my boys but eager to have them home with me for Mother's Day.  And tonight and tomorrow, time with my husband.