Sunday, April 28, 2013

This Week

Reflecting on the week it seems impossible we have been through so much in only seven days.
Sunday started with a visit to the gym for a run. 
While I was there I had a phone conversation with the woman that placed two Golden Retrievers in my home to foster. 

There was a possibility I could keep them.  Before my run, I was set on keeping them.  After my run, while keeping them was still my desire, I knew it just wasn't the right thing for my family at this time.  That night we would be welcoming a new English Pointer puppy to our family. I called the woman back and said we would have the dogs to the airport on Tuesday as arranged.  Our foster babies would be flying to a dog rescue on Fort Collins, Colorado.  My biggest concern trying to start the dog adoption process when faced with also starting a divorce process simultaneously.  I knew it was far more than I could possibly endure at this time.
Monday was a great workout at the gym. My son did cardio machines while I took a class. The gym has become my sanctuary.  A mix of emotions are fighting to take over.  Gym time keeps them at bay.  I can't turn to food.  I know that for a moment it may numb my pain.  In the end, it will only bring more sadness.  Through the trials of the last two weeks I have not binged.  I have not purged.  I am discouraged.  I am afraid.  I will not quit.  Going into this week, my only desire is to keep moving. 

 Tuesday morning we drove our foster babies to the airport.  This was not easy, for any of us.  The kids were strong while we were there.  The hour drive home was filled with tears and questions.  The best I could give my children was that one of the greatest loves is when we love with everything we have knowing there is a possibility it will have to end or not be returned.  As I spoke these words to my children, they were words I needed to hear as well. 

This may take forever, so I may hit the highlights.............
Wednesday, my lifelong friend attended my training session with Kort.  It was a great session.  Amazing to have her with me.  Emotionally it was the boost I needed as well.

Thursday started with this surprise breakfast from my son, Keaton.  With a day starting like this, how can I not continue to be the best mother I can possibly be?
Thursday was a session with my therapist. The kids and I are doing well.  We are moving on, healing.  My sessions help me understand....understand me and how to interpret what has happened.
As I came out of my session, I received a wonderful phone call.  My dad invited me to attend Second Chance Prom with him, my mother, my sister and brother in law.  This was a special mercy in a mess of heartbreak.  I have wanted to attend this even for quite a number of years.  Kevan and I had planned to go.  With him gone, my dad felt it important that I still get to go.  (Thanks Dad! I am loved by a King.)   
Friday night- zumba with my sister followed by an amazing training session with Kort.  Then a little girls night with my daughters. Zumba was tough.  I don't know to many people that cry their way through Latin dancing.  The dark room, loud music, strong beat....I was swept away.  Luckily with the darkness, my tears were hidden.  They come when I don't expect them.  A baby smiled at me today at church.  She looked right at me and with these beautiful blue eyes, her pureness penetrated my soul.  Her smile spoke to me.  The tears started.  Her father gave me a hug.  Hugs are good these days. Better than words.  Better than hearing how strong I am.  Hugs are good. 

Saturday- Spinning with my sister,

an afternoon with my girls
followed by a night of dancing with my family at the prom. blessed Sunday.  This day is the day that fuels me.  If I can just make it back to Sunday.  I had every intention of sleeping in and taking a rest day from workouts.  When I woke up, everything in me shouted hit the gym.  It is my drug.  It keeps everything in balance.  I work out my emotions and then I am better able to care for my family. 

 With the boys with their dad for the weekend, the girls and I attended church together.  This is where I so strongly feel the absence of my husband.  Yet, I know it is where I need to be. Tender mercies are found when we do what we know is required.  When a sweet sister gave me a hug, she sensed my energy being all a mess.  We went into a side room and quickly did some EFT tapping for a while.  She tried to clear my energy.  Honestly, as "strong" as people think I am, it isn't true.  Most days, I am not even sure how I make it from beginning to end. I know I don't do it on my own.  I am holding to my recovery.  I am allowing friends and family to be more of a support.  I am actively working on forgiveness and healing.  My daily workouts bring me clarity.  I am relying on the grace of God to sustain me.  I am taking one day at a time.  I am putting one foot in front of the other.  No more.  No less. 

Preparing for bed Sunday night...........boys are home, lunches are made for tomorrow, laundry is all done, alarms are set for early wake up, cuddles and laughs with this girl..........

I understand this may not be a typical blog post.  It may not even be very coherent. Right now, life isn't making the most sense.  I guess that is reflected in my posts.  :) This blog is to share this journey not only with you but also with my children and for me to return to at a later time to see how far we have come.  Right now, things are tough.  Right now we are pushing through.  I can't hide it. It is just as much a part of the journey as the great times.  Hope that makes sense. 

Wishing everyone a great week.  While it may have some downs, choose to savor the ups. day at a time.

Monday, April 22, 2013


Saturday I woke up unsure of a few things.  My husband of two months had completely moved out the day before and this was the first morning faced with the idea that I am single again.  With my little in bed next to me, I found myself debating between staying in bed all day or head on over to the gym before my kids wake up.  Honestly, staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself was winning.  Then came a text from my younger sister asking if I was coming to a Saturday morning Body Pump class at Gold's. Without hesitation, Heck Yes!!
Come to find out, the group class was at 10.  Since we were there early and both needing to get home to littles, we did a Run For Boston instead.
My sister probably doesn't even know how much I needed her text that morning.  I could very well still be in bed had she not got me moving. Things in motion tend to stay in motion. For the time being, movement is good for me. It is good for my children.  We are moving forward to better things.
Since I was at the gym Saturday morning, I decided to go ahead and weigh out for the 12 week challenge.  With the events of the last 3 weeks, I admit I had been doing some emotional eating (not binging).  In fact, the night before I had two friends over to the house to have dinner with me and the kids. Dinner was fairly on my plan, minus the dinner rolls.  However, I did eat a few ice cream treats that were not on my food plan.  Even with that, I am actually proud of my 12 week results.
As I was speaking with the trainer, he said something that has been at the forefront of my thoughts the last few days.  He said that people come to the gym for various reasons.  Some come to lift weights.  Bulk up.  Slim down. Socialize.  Burn calories.  Then he said, "You need to come because it is your sanctuary.  Make the gym your safe place."
This is the truth for me.  The gym is the only place/thing in my life where I am confident I will get back in results what I put in with effort.  It is the place I can leave everything else at the door.  I don't visit the gym to punish my body.  I go to sustain, nurture and care for my body, mind and spirit. 
Today, I visited my sanctuary.  Keaton and I did the kettlebell class together.  Then he went to do some cardio machines while I stayed for Body Combat. HELLO, wiped me out.  I am blessed to have a body that does what I ask of it. I am blessed to have found a place that challenges me.

With Jen, one of my favorite instructors.
One day I won't look giant size next to her.

My most favorite workout buddy.
Heading to the gym, this kid was not happy. He wanted to stay home and
play with friends.  As we drove, I took his hand and told him how
excited I was to spend some time with him. He told me not to say that.
He wanted to stay upset with me.  Then his beautiful face cracked a smile.

Leave it on the court!!!
That my friends was a great calorie burn.


It makes sense to me that the gym should be a sanctuary.  My body is a temple.  What is your sanctuary?  How do you nurture and care for your body? Mindy? Spirit?
With eating totally on plan and a great calorie burn, I am going to rest my head on my pillow filled with joy.  No guilt or shame for this girl.  One day at a time!!!



Saturday, April 20, 2013

Book Exchange

The girls and I had the opportunity to experience a new event at Belle's school this week.  In preparation, we gathered up a few books from around the house that the kids no longer wanted.  We took them to Belle's school where she turned them in.  In exchange, she was able to search through other donated books for new finds to take to our home.
Both girls has plenty of books to chose from.  Talk about a stressful moment for abundance of books free for the taking. Anxiety!!! This girl loves books. Even more, this girl loves that her girls love books.

Had I know how fun this would be, I would have spent more time boxing up books to exchange instead of instructing Belle to "go get a few".

Can you imagine standing with books all around.  Books are fun.  Miss Olaya kept running from table to table, all along the gym floor searching for her two perfect books.  It was hard for all of us to make our final choices.

 In the end, we left with a new stash of books to read, plenty of smiles to share and a sweet treat to enjoy (probably Olaya's favorite part of the event).
One of the best gifts of being a mother comes from watching my children sparkle.  When Belle sparkles, watch out!!!  She is a ray of sunshine that warms everyone around.
As we were leaving the school, Belle took the opportunity to share with me her star of the walk of fame for completing her ISAT testing.  After a few days of rain, the star was a little washed out.  Never fear, I wasn't looking at the star.  The smile on my babies face had my full attention. 

These are the moments that sustain me.  I am one lucky girl.  Hope everyone has a great weekend.  It will be a day of family for us.  Exactly what I need.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Strengthening the Heart

Today has been a day full of healing.  Lunch was shared with a dear friend.  This evening I experienced a "healing" session with another dear friend.  Later in the night an intense workout with my trainer.  One day and I was able to find nourishment for my mind, body and spirit.  Doesn't get much better than that!!!

One beautiful lesson I was able to articulate after the healing session was how my recent challenge has strengthened my heart.  I have chosen not to let this break me. Through my food addiction recovery over the last year, one major theme has continued to bring me peace.  Everything happens for a reason and we are exactly where we supposed to be at exactly this moment.  While my marriage only lasted just over 2 months, it is my belief it had to happen.  There is something to come from this for the good.  As I struggle to understand, heal my heart and push through the myriad of emotions, I am comforted in the knowledge that there is someone bigger than me in charge.  I give it to Him.  He knows the end from the beginning.  He knows why I am to be here right at this moment.

As I spoke with my healer/friend, as we discussed my heart, I was able to articulate my understanding of the heart being a muscle.  Through workouts and training, I am aware that muscle only grows after it is torn.  The tearing down and rebuilding of the human muscle is what makes it stronger.  Is that way with my heart?????  Is it not a muscle as well?  Is this shredded, mangled mess of a heart only the makings of a vibrant, strong, healthy muscle?




I can't begin to say I have all the answers.  Most of what is happening I don't even understand.  What I do know is that I have to keep moving.  I have to keep strengthening. And maybe the only way to strengthen is to tear down.  So break....break my heart.....get it over with.....not because I want to hurt but because I know I will come out of this better than ever.  My capacity to love will not be taken.  My heart will only grow and become stronger from this adversity.

Kathy, my dear friend, thank you sharing Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).  Our healing session helped my heart.  I know I have a long way to go.  Tonight was a great start to allowing me to vision how I want my heart to look when it is healed.

Shifting gears, later in the night I did another kind of heart strengthening.......workout time..........

Heading out to meet up with my trainer, Kort.
Sporting pig tails.
Little bit of crossfit training.
I seriously think he is creatively thinking up ways to kill me.
Always a happy girl when I am done.

Session ended at 1 hour 10 minutes. 
Forgot to turn of the Polar.
400 calories, not to shabby
A friend called tonight to check on how I am doing.  After our conversation he stated I am probably doing better than he is doing with the stuff in his life.  I don't think I am doing great but I am doing the best I can.  I keep moving forward, in part because I don't see that I have a choice and second, for fear if I stop for even a moment, it will all catch up with me and be to much.......far to much for me to recover from. 
I know we all struggle.  I spend my day helping families resolve their problems.  The news of the world is filled with people struggling with bigger heartaches than mine.  Yet, as this is real for me, please know, it is real for you.  You are not alone.  You are not defined by what struggle you are having.  Stay the course.  Remain honest and true to who you are. And never, ever.....ever, give up.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I don't really have an explanation for this post.  I have been away from blogging for quite some time.....for various reasons.  One big reason has to do with it has seemed each time I post information about certain people in my life, not to long after they are gone.  I think I have a little post traumatic stress from blogging.  Yet, don't think there is a day that I don't think about writing.  Truth is, I need it.  My words may not make sense to anyone else but the action of placing the thoughts in my head to paper help settle my thoughts.

That said, I am not prepared to do a recap of the last 6-9 months.  I just want to start from here.  I purchased a new laptop for just this reason...blogging.  The desktop computer is in the basement.  I like to write while in bed during this last hour of the day, the kids are all in bed and the house is quite before I rest my head on the pillow.

So, here we go...
Workout this evening...

followed by
Body Pump

Feels so good to move.
Physical movement is needed in my daily life more than ever.  It is my drug of choice.  I am afraid if I miss even a day of it, I may have a mental break (that is not an exaggeration).  Moving forward sometimes comes as just moving, afraid to slow down and let what is behind to catch up.  Movement is healing.  I am going to be doing lots of moving the next little while.

Realizing I am not the only one with struggles, I want you to know, you are not alone.  This journey is shared.  Find someone, tell someone, trust someone with your burden.  Talk to me.  Together we are strong.