Thursday, May 31, 2012


In the spirit of sharing tips so that others do not suffer from the same mistakes I make, I want to provide the following.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear panties with lace trim to go running when your thighs rub together (I don't know if this will be different if your thighs don't rub together).

Need I say more?????

Tonight was body pump and yoga at the gym and then a 2.5 mile stroll around the track (Sean so happy to have run into you on the track.....disregard that I was slightly checking you out until I realized it was you.)

Day four of abstinence-completely on plan.

Today was also my first session with an addiction counselor. We will call him Trent, cause well, that is his name. The session went well. Hard to bring someone all the way up to speed in under an hour. Not hard, impossible. However, nothing I said made him flinch so I think we are doing good and I did try to get the tough stuff out there. My way is to puke my guts out on someone and then sort through them later. He accepted it. The sorting will begin in two weeks after business trip and then family trip.

I keep seeing this on facebook.  Every day for the last week or so.  I don't have a link to give credit to.  Each time I see it I think of all the times I have walked away from various events, things, people, when it got hard.  I don't want to do that.  But also, the changes I am making today are hard, even painful.  I am aware there are those that would rather sit back and wait to see the final product and then decide to step up......not going to happen.  Each day I celebrate the little victories and the vast number of people it takes to get me there. The longer I am at this (life), the more I realize we are all in this together.  Thanks for sharing this journey with me. 

Goodnight all!!! This girls is wiped out.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Weigh In Wednesday

I know you all have waited all day with bated breath (I will have you know I had to look up bated, wasn't sure of the spelling) to find out what my results are for today (or at least the three of you that read this could be two now because my boyfriend and I are taking a break - don't ask....I don't even exactly know how to explain it).  So let me start by saying, I have been hovering around the same weight for the last month (at least).  I have gone up three and then back down, up one and then again back down but never could I break this threshold..........until today!!!

Starting highest weight 279
Current weight..............257..........I am having a party in my head, if nothing else.

Total weight loss to date: 22 lbs 

Tonight I celebrated my little victory by attending Body Combat (LOVE IT!!!!) and then working on my 5k trainer on the treadmill at the gym. SIDE NOTE: I run further, faster at the track, outdoors.  I must not push myself hard enough on the treadmill, afraid I am going to mis-step and go flying off the back of the thing while my hair gets caught in the belt ripping my one nice feature off my head.  That won't be a pretty sight for anyone.  Well, unless you are a hater and then you might get some enjoyment watching me take a tumble.

So I was a little happy with the sweat down the back of my shirt after my two hour gym time. Yes, surprisingly I did take a picture strictly of my backside (WHAT HAS COME OVER ME??)

And a quick shot of the front side.  Can I just say at that very moment, with all the endorphins sailing through me, I was a happy girl.  I think you can see it.  Look close....right in the eyes you can see it.

The success of the night would not have happened where it not for Jennifer my instructor for Body Combat.  SHE ROCKS!!! Her energy is contagious.  She is absolutely an inspiration up there being all pregnant.  Tonight, during our final 194 (NOT EXAGGERATING) alternating punches, I felt this warm rush start at the top of my body, making its way down to my toes and then back up, only finally leaving through my tear ducts.  This is a welcome feeling......I can only imagine what it looks like to others.  It still surprises me when it happens.  Always when I feel strong.  When I am absolutely pushing my body when it is screaming, "I have had enough!!"  And I ask it to give more.  I am not exactly sure what I was cleansing.  However, if felt invigorating and apparently my body needed it done.

In other I finished up my 5k trainer and 3 mile walk/run (9 miles down for the week) instead of just listening to music, I started Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead through Netflix on my iPhone.  I only saw the first 20 minutes.  Let me tell you I can't wait to watch the rest. Couple things of note:
  1. Day one of his fast, his Dr tells him permanent results only come from permanent changes.....(good point)
  2. As he started his fast the first three days all he wanted to do was hide in bed.....not due to lack of energy but the emotional strain of not eating and not doing as everyone else, is just so powerful.....(I feel ya, I am on day three of abstinence and I just want to avoid everyone as I try to find my way in eating only foods on my food plan, mainly lean protein, fruits and vegetables.....nothing kidding my plan is really that simple/hard)
  3. As much as I don't want to juice everything, his apple juice looked divine
Folks (the two of you that now read this), I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.  I made it through one day.  I am joyful over the friends and family that are making this journey with me.  I applaud all those making little changes every day to live healthier, happier lives.  I am grateful for those that answer my call when I reach out in a moment of weakness.  Mostly, I am grateful for the knowledge that there is a power greater than myself that can make me whole.  Through this power I can find peace.  Thanks everyone that makes this journey with me.  Couldn't do it without you!!!

What did you do to take care of you today?  Any successes you want applauded??

Just a closing thought
Found here
Sort of nice since we are going into summer......there is something within me......within all of us.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

One Day Closer

Today, one step closer to my week goals.  I did go to bed on time last night but found myself awake at 3:30 a.m. unable to get back to sleep (that sucks).  My alarm went off just as I was dosing off.  The voices were telling me to get up but I just couldn't and I am pretty sure the gravitational pull was extra strong directly under my bed right at that moment.  I decided I would have to make up for it by going to the gym after work....which I did.

Meet Steph.......
notice my Hunger Games shirt...I love it.

she is one of the great Body Pump instructors at the gym.  I LOVE when she teaches.  The routines are all the same but she just adds something extra.  Ten minutes into class I was dripping sweat.  Not just a line of perspiration along my forehead.  We are talking it was dripping off my brow as I changed weights on my bar, as we did squats it was drenching the back of my shirt. LOVE IT!!!

From there I zipped over to the middle school track to meet up with my sister and two friends.  Three miles closer to my 15 for the week.....6 down.  It was hard to run tonight after doing all the squats and lunges.  Did it anyway.  My goal is to be able to run the full 5k at the color run in Boise for my birthday in August. 

After this picture I can't help but think of this quote I keep seeing on pinterest

found here
I am thinking tonight I trained hard enough!!!!!!!

In food news.....I have completely been on plan the last two days.  Two days of abstinence.  Can I get A WOOT WOOT!!!???  Already I feel the food cravings leaving.  My focus is coming back. 

And one thing I noticed in gym class tonight.....when it is time to so the standing quad stretch...I no longer have to hold something stationary to get my balance.  I can do them free standing.....Does that deserve another WOOT WOOT!!!????

Small changes yield big results.........

then just as I am working on my fitness goals....I am always focused on I meditate tonight these two thoughts will be in my mind.......

I feel this is true even after only two days of abstinence.

Both Found Here
Looking forward tomorrow's weigh in.  I am not so much concerned with the number on the scale as I am joyful for being good to my body and my soul the last few days.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Drug of Choice

Three miles down and twelve to go to reach one of my goals for the week.  Tonight I took the girls over to the middle school to run on the track.  I figure I might as well get them started with walking and running now.  At the park, the kids just want to go play on the toys.  This was great.  The girls went around with me while I did my 5 minute walking warm up and then as I ran/walked they were around me off and on.  After a few laps they  just played in the grass. 

I don't know how many apps can run on an iPhone at one time.  This was a first for me.  I started Pandora with pop fitness radio.  Next started my 5k trainer.  Then opened mapmywalk to track my time and distance.  I cut my 20 minute walk down to 14 for the first mile.  I think that is pretty good (for me).  Overall I did 3.07 mi in 48:26 with a 15:47 min/mile pace. 

Well it is off to bed for me.  I have Body Pump at 5:30 tomorrow morning at the gym and I want to get in 30 min on the elliptical before class.

What a wonderful day!!  Actually is wasn't.  I was in my head all day.  However after getting out this evening, hitting the track and letting it all go.....WOW.....what a drug.  I feel good.  I think I want to do that again tomorrow.


Found Here

This totally makes me laugh. 
 There was a time I would say the only way anyone would catch me running
 meant there was someone close by chasing me with a hatchet.
Not the case today.
Some changes are good, very good.

For Today & Week Goals

Found Here
Each day when I read from my OA literature, I am still pleasantly surprised at how "right on" the thought for the day is.  Today my reading was this:

As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The way I plan for the future today is different from the way dictated by my compulsive overearter thinking.  In those days I had things backward,  I incessantly planned the outcome, but I was paralysed when it came to taking the action.  Today I am willing to do the footwork.  I ask God for the courage to look for and accept my defects and the willingness to ask for their removal.
That is my task as far as my future is concerned.  I change myself in order to live at peace with whatever the future brings, not to decide what the future will be.
For today:  As wishful thinking and day dreaming become less frequent, I know I am recovering. 
 I am grateful for these thoughts today.  I find myself often planning into the distant future while not able to make it through the current hour without fear and panic.  This goes along with part of the discussion at my latest OA meeting.  There was some focus on acting not reacting to life.  I do need to act more.  This is hard when things come at me from what seems like nowhere.  I get thrown off balance and panic for a moment to find my footing.  Have you ever faced a conversation and as the other person spoke, you could feel the air in the room abandon you?  Your arms start reaching out, eyes closed.  Well, when those moments happen I have to learn how to act.My natural tendency is to reach out for old comforts.  Not being alone.  Calling a man.  Calling on my female friends.  Getting in the company of others.  Which being with others is not bad if is not as an escape to being alone with myself.

Which brings me back to the thought for today.  I can easily see being with others in my future, maybe even sharing my life with someone.  I just don't know how to get through today on my own......or I do know how.....I just need to feel it out.  Not be paralysed with fear, which I am not (most of the time).  I need to be comfortable being alone at times.  My nature is to surround myself with people I love.  So for the next little while I am working on asking my Father to give me the courage to accept my defects and ask for their removal.  I know that through him I will be made strong/whole.  In seeking solitude, I must find peace with being alone.

In other news:

I am doing well getting back to abstinence.  My head is back in it.  My goals for the week are:
  • Attend minimum of three (shooting for five) early morning workouts at Gold's
  • Attend body combat once during the week (evening class)
  • Drink gallon of water a day
  • Walk a minimum of 15 miles this week -translation 5, 3 miles walks
  • Eat all my vegetables in my plan
  • Meditate for 10 minutes every day (this one will be hard)
  • Not act out with food or other behaviors when things get hard
  • To bed before 9:30 every night (in order to make my 4:30 wake up)
With today being a Monday holiday I have my work cut out for me the rest of the week.  Preparing for a work trip to Boise most of next week and then family vacation.  I really want to establish healthy patterns now for when I am awayfrom home.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

City Creek, Saturday Morning Tradition & OA

Saturday mornings are starting to be my favorite part of the week.  Over a year ago, my dear friend Kathy, invited me to hike City Creek with her.  This is a local trail for mountain biking, hiking, horses ad really anything non motorized.  The part of the trail we walk is roughly three miles up and back.  We are lucky in Southeastern Idaho to have this in our backyard....seriously right in our back yard.  It has become a great way for my family to start the weeeknd together and with healthy choices. 

Next trip up I will take pictures of the trail.  Each time we joke that we need to one day stop and really enjoy all that the trail has to offer.  For now we are there to beat last weeks time and push ourselves to the top.

This week I tried to stay near the front of the group, my sister Maria, my sister Sharen and my brother Sean.  I really did try.  Didn't want to be at the back hearing the voice in my head saying, "Why can't you walk as fast as Sharen", "Maria makes it look so effortless", "Gosh Tara, you are breathing heavy".  Trying to quiet the negative voices in my head is a greater workout than actually walking up the trail.

I will say I pushed as far as I could (which incidentally turned out to be the last bend before the little turn at the top), only dropping out of my second position to the last and not actually stopping the walk.  I was sad when I realized the top was only tens of feet away.  I could have made it all the way this time without taking a break.  It's OK though.  Something to shoot for next week.  By the time we reached the top my calves were on fire.  Yikes!!! (As I sit at my desk typing, I can feel them aching even now....that's good right?!)

With Sharen leading the way we did not stop at the top.  She kept right on going.  I guess that is good.  And then it started.  The downhill run.  I don't know how it is easier for me.  I can barely run a tenth of a mile around the track but I can run 1.5 miles down the trail.  I figure gravity is pulling on my anyway, might as well put it to good use.  Oh my goodness, does it feel great.  It doesn't hurt, really.  We all spread out, me at the back.  It is now that I feel alive.  Running, or my version of running, for I am probably walking fast. I feel my lungs fill with air.  I feel my heart beat faster and harder.  I feel the perspiration on my back through my sweatshirt.  I feel the cadence of my feet upon the dirt, the earth.  It is now I understand why people like to run.  One day I hope to be one of them.  One day I hope to take my run, hidden behind the trees, to open view.

What a great way to start the weekend.  What a great way to take care of me.  Great to share it with my sisters and brother.

Me and Maria. Still red from the run.
Sharen wouldn't join in the picture.
Maybe next time.
I love my sisters and the example they are to me!!!

My 13 year old brother, Sean.
You rock Sean.
Thanks for joining us.
After the run, I stopped by Excel Weight loss Solutions for Zumba but found only a handyman working in the room (HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT).  Went home and did yoga off Netflix with my girl Belle until 10:00 a.m. when he had to go pick up our Bountiful Basket.  From there I made a veggie omelet using 3 eggs, one tomato, half green pepper, cilantro and a tossing of cheese.  I ate half for breakfast.  Then shower and get ready for Overeaters Anonymous.

Today's meeting only had three of us in it.  However it was a great meeting.  These meetings fuel me.  They help me remember what I am trying to do and why.  Remind me to be gentle with myself but to actively work towards abstinence and recovery.  I left there at 1:00 p.m. feeling refocused.

I do realize I need a sponsor for OA.  Our group in small and young in success.  None of us have many days behind us.  So that is my next find an OA sponsor.  I can start asking on the phone call meetings.  I would prefer someone local that I can see face to face but at this point having any sponsor is better than not having one at all. 

So that is where I am with my Saturday.  Hoping to visit the Field of Heroes but the raining is coming down quite hard outside.  Later this evening the girls and I are going to visit the Lava Hot Pools. 

Thinking of all those that have sacrificed so much for my freedom.  Grateful to enjoy this weekend with my girls.

Until next time,

Bountiful Baskets

In an effort to save money and eat better I have gotten back with ordering my produce from Bountiful Baskets.  This week was not the most bountiful of baskets.....still great though.

This week brought
7 oranges
9 small apples
2 artichokes
6 small peaches
5 tomatoes
6 carrots
5 bananas
1 cantaloupe
7 ears of corn
3 orange bell peppers
1 head of lettuce

All for $15.  Do you think I could have done better at the store this week?

Nothing exotic. I still need to learn how to steam artichokes. I also got a flat of blackberries.

Gonna hit the web to see what non sugar things I can make with these. 

Happy Saturday everyone.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Week In review

I don't even know where this week went. Seriously. Today is Friday....what happened??? The past five days have been filled with highs and lows.....not so much in the middle ground area.....truly either flying high or crashing down. Is there Prozac for life.....I don't mean for me to ingest it exactly....just give it to my life and say even out a little bit, not so much of the extremes. However, then it wouldn't be me would it?  Kind of an all or nothing girl.  Maybe I can piece it together somewhat........

After work Monday I decided to hit the gym in the evening.  Not normal for me but I needed some time to work things out.  I attended body combat at Gold's Gym.  This is not a new class for me.  I love it.  The cardio part is intense but as is the focus I feel during class.  It makes me feel strong, in control and powerful.  I leave that class dripping in sweat.  This visit was no exception.  Every few months they change the routine.  Last week was when they changed so this was a first time for me with the new moves.....and it kicked my trash I might add.  Jennifer, the instructor is amazing.  She is actually prego.  I kept telling myself if she can do it, so can I.

Isn't she the cutest.  Post workout.

You can almost see her pregnant belly in this one...
.and how mine is 3X her size even.....OK don't look at that so much.
So far she is my favorite instructor.
After body combat I stayed for Zumba.....this time it was much more fun.  They had the lights on and I could actually see the instructor.  Again more sweat.  By the time I left the gym, the entire back of my shirt was wet.  When I got home the kids were making fun of me.  Oh well, it means I worked hard.

Tuesday evening my friend Michele joined me for my regular Tues/Thurs walk.  We hit the neighborhood and then eventually ended up at the park.  My walks are becoming a slight addiction.  The social aspect is the part I enjoy the most.  Each week/time I have walked with someone different (thanks ladies for indulging me when I ask for someone to walk with).  Every one of us has a story.  A battle we have fought.  A war we have won.  A few wars we have lost.  A sadness we carry.  A joy we embrace.  A faith we find comfort in.  Each a unique blessing in my life.  Thanks ladies for sharing your journey with me.  The walks are great physically but the talks lift me emotionally.

Which brings me to Wednesday.  Blessed Wednesday.  I won't share the details of the event....those are her details to share......but I will say I was able to witness and welcome a new life to the world.  Being present for that moment is truly a blessing.  It is one of the most beautiful events to witness in a lifetime....a miracle I can't even begin to find words for. Holding the hand of a friend that I love, a sister, as she labored to bring a new life into this world is one of the moments I will forever cherish.  I will say it took all of Wednesday and some of Thursday.  Baby girl came into this world at 12:02 in the night.  She had plans to pick her own birth date that is for sure.

Shout out to someone special for joining me for lunch at the hospital, saving my children from starving that night and being there to fill my shoes as they went to bed, allowing me to fully experience this moment with no fear of my children burning down the house or running down the street naked (it could happen) while I was absent.

Love you Reagan!!!
Thank you for allowing me to witness a miracle.

Thursday, while operating on 3.5 hours of sleep , was an emotional roller coaster....actually just an emotional crash.  First day of kids out of school, a Dr. appointment for one child that had me in tears, referrals to specialists and scheduling even more appointments, an evening of feeling inadequate, unloved, invisible, insecure and lonely was a stark contrast to the high of the day before.  Evidence that life goes on and is in constant flux.  This momma struggles to find a balance between the roles I carry.....self, mother, friend, daughter, employee, problem solver for others, girlfriend, ex-wife, explorer, addict, recovery, blogger, and on and on.  Do you have those days you just want to run?  the days you wonder what am I doing?  A day that you know someone is going to call you out as a fraud?  A day all your strides towards a goal feel microscopic in the grand scheme of things? 

Yet at the end of that I allowed my eyes to close and my thoughts to quiet.....I was comforted in the knowledge I was ending my day with no guilt or shame for my responses to all that stress.  I didn't act out with food.  I didn't act out by seeking comfort in a man.  I didn't turn to my addictions.  I didn't act out.........and for that, my final thoughts of the day were about peace and gratitude.  Joy in knowing the good is far greater than the bad.  Peace in acceptance that there will be tough times ahead and I, in my weakness, can be made whole and strong.  I repeated out loud in a whisper, One Day At  A Time, Tara....One Day At  A Time.

And today....Friday....well, Friday has carried it's own mess of struggles.  My boys are leaving for two weeks with their dad.  This always leaves me feeling empty, lost.  No matter how many years passes, being separated from my children is hard on me emotionally even though  I know they are fine.  During my lunch hour I was engaged in a beneficial but difficult conversation with someone I have grown to care for quite deeply.  Nearing the end of the work hour I started to old addictive behavior resurfacing.  I found myself trying to find distractions....NOT HEALTHY.  Luckily, all ended it should and I spent the evening loving on my girls.  With the end of the school year, my star student has multiple free dinners to local restaurants.  For tonight she picked Golden Corral (not a pleasant place for me).  I stayed on plan....pan seared shrimp was great with a salad.  Then we ventured to a movie and watched Mirror Mirror.  Olaya only escaped from the theatre and into the lobby once.  Otherwise we were able to watch the entire movie.  Tonight my girls are sleeping with me.  Not so much because I need someone next to me but because Belle also hates when her brothers are gone and needs just a little extra support tonight and well, Olaya, she loves to sleep with Mom any night possible. 

So there is my week.  The five minute version at least.  Tomorrow I am planning for a morning hike up my favorite local trail with my mom and sisters.  Hoping the rain doesn't squelch our plans.

In parting.....I just want to touch for a moment on the topic of failure.  This has been heavy in my heart.  Where do I start?    

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all. In which case, you've failed by default.
J. K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement Address, 2008

I like this quote.  It is no secret that I have failed at loosing weight a hundred times.  I have tried shots, pills, restriction, videos, hypnosis, acupuncture, plans, exercise and nothing seemed to work.  I failed.  I have been married more than once and divorced just as many times.  I have tried to learn how to knit and I just can not do it.  I have taken bowling classes and not matter what I do the only way I break 100 is when the bowling Gods find favor in my efforts and shine down on me.  I have loved and lost.  All these things, all these efforts for what.....?????  Pain? Sorrow?  Growth?  Knowledge?  Appreciation?  So I have failed.  But I keep going....what ever the arena.  I don't want to live an unlived life because I was afraid to fall, afraid to hurt.  Afraid of my past mistakes. God willing, this effort, this journey I am on to health and weight loss will be the avenue to where I can love myself and have a healthy relationship with food.  Will I have set backs?  Of course.  Will I "fail"?  I don't doubt it. 

All those failures....I see them as growth, knowledge, humility.  My story is different than some others.  In love, my story is very different.  I have hurt.  I have lost.  Yet, I refuse to believe I am only to be judged by the failure.  With weight loss, what if this effort was the one that made all the difference.  What if I am able to finally find peace with food and at the same time change my body into something I am more proud of?  What if I stopped trying after the last round of injections I put in my body?  The people I have met in recovery would never have been met.  The growth I have experienced as I have lost weight would never have been known.  I refuse to believe that because I have failed at something in the past, I am not capable of ever finding success in it now.  I don't want to live my life so cautiously that I miss living.  I do believe the true joy I see is out there so long as I continue to fight for it.

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.
I've lost almost 300 games.
Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
 I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
~ Michael Jordan

I have failed over and over again. That is why I succeed.
Found on pinterest here
If you made it to the end of this post I should send you a prize.  Sorry for any typos....basically typed and proof read this late at night.  I hope some of what I puked out made sense. 

One Day At A Time,

Wednesday Weigh In - Belated

I will make this short and sweet......I am back down to 258 lbs.  Took me a few weeks to get my head back on straight but this week has been a good one.  One day at a time.....that mind set is all it took.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


I have not been feeling well.  Not at all. Yet, this morning I woke up wanting to make my littles breakfast.  They got waffles and eggs.  I made me this......

I used three eggs, green pepper, tomato, cilantro and a touch of shredded cheese with a side of fresh orange slices.  I ate half and am saving the rest for an afternoon meal.

Good, healthy way to start my day and show appreciation to my body for all that it does for me.

We are staying home today from church.  Four kids not feeling well and I am still not 100%.

Lots of cuddling and maybe make up a batch of a hearty vegetable soup.

Happy Sunday!! 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I Went Anyway

Part of the reason I keep this blog is because I believe in community.  The extrovert in me, gains energy and strength from the energy of others....sort of like a parasite.  :)  No.  I do enjoy people.  I'm a watcher more than anything, taking it all in. 

With my workouts, it is easy for me to go when I have people to go with.  It takes away my excuses.  It gives me accountability.  I get to visit and chat while working out or at least on the way to and from.  Not only do I enjoy my workouts, I enjoy the time I get with my workout friends.

This morning, my workout buddy would not respond to my text messages.  My first thought, WOO HOO, I get to sleep in another hour and a half.  I typically wake up at 4:30 a.m. and am to the gym by 5ish.  When she didn't respond I figured it was a SIGN I should return to the warmth of my blankets.

Then wouldn't you know it....the other voice in my head (not the negative berating one) started whispering......Remember how good you felt Tuesday walking out of the gym after your workout?  This voice is gentle, kind and warm.  It doesn't push or shove.  It taps.  It is a feeling.  A smile.  Again the whisper....Be good to you Tara. 

So, smack in the middle of my cycle (yes, I used the word cycle and yes you all know now when it is), bloated, cramping, throat hurting, cough deep in my lungs, only five hours of sleep and with NO workout buddy response (Avril I love ya- and need a set of keys to your home to drag you out of bed), I went anyway.

On this side of it........ahhhhhhh (long exhale).  I feel great.  I took care of me first thing this morning.  Deep .......out.  Doesn't that feel good?   

What are you doing today to take care of you?  What motivates you to follow your plan?

Happy Thursday everyone!!

One quick I worked out today, standing at the back of the class but still able to see myself in the full wall mirror.........I am starting to see a little shape coming to my rectangle form.  Maybe an hourglass form even.....I would like to think starting to resemble Marilyn Monroe......what a beauty.  I like it.

Copied from a friends facebook post...don't have the link...sorry copywright police
I ADORE this picture.  I actually look forward to this feeling.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Weigh In Wednesday

They say . . .

. . .well . . .

I'm not feeling very happy or pretty, for that matter, right now.  As mentioned in a previous post, I went off plan for a little while.  I am still letting a more detailed post percolate before I post it to the blog.  Short story, I have struggled for the last week (two weekends) with my food.  Exercise is good...not great.  That balancing act is always in play, isn't it?

Since Monday I have been abstinent.  Three days.  Today is day three. 72 hours.  (Stinks since I was up to day 34.)  One day at a time.

The thing I am learning, wow, those negative thoughts creep in ever so quickly.  That voice in my head telling me I don't deserve the success I had in April.  Telling me don't throw out those big clothes because you know you will be right back in them in a month or so.  The voice telling me I will never experience physical beauty.  I hear the voice telling me it was a fluke, the scale was wrong, you were still weigh 274 lbs as you have for the last couple of years.

During my stretch of abstinence, every day I felt stronger, safer.  Somehow I thought I could face any food situation and come out on the other end abstinent, un-phased.  I now see the error in my thinking.  Daily, I read from OA literature.  The reading for May 14 reads as follows (timely):
He that is too secure is not safe.  Thomas Fuller
Whether I have been abstinent twelve hours or twelve years, I never have it made.  Today's recovery is all I have.  A compulsive overeater who has had any kind of dieting career knows all too well how suddenly all the wonderful plans can come crashing down.
The one-day-at-a-time philosophy of Overeaters Anonymous is insurance against complacency.  It guards against my projecting anything beyond this twenty-four hours.  I know I abstinent today, but I cannot tell what I will do tomorrow.  This is the attitude that keeps me gratefully abstinent.

FOR TODAY: I am sure only of this day's abstinence.  I have no need to plan tomorrow's abstinence or weight loss.
So even though I posted I am on day three......I am choosing to be abstinent today.  I will fuel my body with the foods it needs.  I will listen to my heart when cravings or impulsive food desires surface.

In addition, I just want to thank all those people that support my efforts and the efforts of anyone trying to make a change for the better.  Trying to go upstream gets quite a bit of resistence (obviously), even from people that love you and want the best for you.  I don't know what it is.  Maybe they don't understand why we have to do things "different".  They question why we can't just eat normal or just eat less......just do this or that.  Well that thinking got me where I am and I don't want to stay here anymore.  You know the type.  Those that say, "why aren't you happy with things just the way they are?"  We all have them in our life.  Those that never crossed the road outside of the cross walk.  Those that are happy to watch life go by as others take risks and enjoy adventures.  This way is not wrong.  Those people want only for my/our safety and they have found it.  I love those people. They bring me back at times when "my crazy" takes me to a place even I don't want to go.  These people are strong, stable, lighthouses.  We need people like this in our life.  We need people that encourage our change, as well.  People that shout, "You can do it!!!"  The ones that say not only will I cheer you on, I will run the race with you.  I will pick you up when you fall.  I will step back and let you stand when you are strong.  Life needs a balance of both. Without the first I could very much be working in a circus right now, seeing the world and meeting exotic people (who am I kidding, I would probably be cleaning up elephant poo). And without the second, I could be trapped in a life that was slowly removing every piece of me until even I could not recognize the person looking back.

I am grateful for a special someone that stops at a restauant before ever taking me there to make sure they have menu items that are on my food plan instead of buying me a box of chocolates as a gift, knowing I have chosen to abstain from them.  Someone that encourages me in my fitness efforts even though it limits the time we have together because he knows I am a better me when I fill my cup first instead of someone that demands every moment I have until not even I can find a drop to quinch my thirst.  I can only hope to be the person that encourages him in his dreams and daily efforts to take care of him.

I am grateful for you, who ever you are.  You don't have a name or a face right now.  You do carry a number.  I number I see when I log on.  I know when you have been here.  Quiet.  Thinking.  Questioning.  For what ever reason you come, I am grateful for you.  I write to clear the never ending thoughts from my head.  I write to commit my thoughts to the world.  I write to work out a plan, find and answer and ask more questions.  Thank you for giving me a place to do that. 

So after all that.........
today 261 lbs.

Lesson learned.  Stay the course.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Be Still

Reason #57 & #58 why I love my job.........

Surprise gifts waiting at my desk when I return to my office.
Sharing my journey of recovery with someone from work.

It took a few weeks to figure it out.  One of my support group members actually works in the same office I do.  Since this discovery we have been able to visit each other when needing a lift, seeking support or just for a friendly visit.  This morning I approached my desk and found a card and gift awaiting me.  The words from the card were restorative and just happen to be from my favorite scripture passage. 

PSALMS 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God . . ."

I posted the card on the cork board in my office.  I will have to post this picture next to it........

Taken at Pacifica, CA Aug 2010

Always great to have little reminders of the journey we make......together.

Day two of being back on abstinence.  Feels good to take care of me.  Made it to my 5 a.m. workout.  That was a first in almost two weeks. Tonight an hour walk with friends around the park....usually 3 miles.  Life is certainly an act of constant balancing.


Saturday, May 12, 2012


1. to set again (a broken bone, matter in type, a gemstone, etc)
2. to restore (a gauge, dial, etc) to zero
3. Also: clear to restore

Today is a reset day for me.  I am not going to punish myself for the choices I made yesterday.  The pain and anguish I experienced last night was enough.  With my children out of the home with their respective fathers', I had a planned binge.  My every intention was to spend my time alone at the gym, treating my body to a healthy expression of love.  Instead, I felt alone, scared and inadequate.  Not that I ate my way through the entire night.  I didn't.  I ordered a hamburger meal from McDonald's.  Thought giving myself permission to french fries and a soda was a reward for not breaking down at seeing the girls dad for the first time in 9 months.  I felt peace as I watched Olaya sit on his lap lovingly calling him dad.....this man she has only met a handful of times over her entire two year life time.  I didn't break down.  My heart didn't hurt.  I was filled with forgiveness at the witness of the scene of her cuddled up to him.  I watched Belle share her memories of her recent dance competition.  I watched her jump and dance around at the excitement of having her very own in the flesh dad close enough to touch.  I watched out the window as they all played on the trampoline.....their laughter music to my ears.

So I "celebrated" with my trusted friend.  My friend that would understand the surprise at my reaction to his visit.  My friend that would numb me from feeling the memory of broken promises rise up inside.  My friend that would tell me I am enough for my girls.  My friend that would tell me I will not be alone forever.

Only problem is that trusted friend......not so trusted anymore.  Didn't give me what I needed this time.  Instead I felt guilt.  I felt shame.  I felt regret.  Just from eating a hamburger, large fry and a few sips of my drink, my stomach physically hurt all night.  My body reacted with rejection of what I put in it.  I tried to tell it to remember how great those foods were, how good they felt feeding my needs.  No.  Not going to have it.  I hurt.  I hurt emotionally.  I hurt physically.  I woke through the night in discomfort.

So, with a little forgiveness and a touch of humility, I woke with the knowledge that today is a new day.  Today is a day to begin again.  To love who I am.  To be grateful my girls have this time with their dad.  To be grateful Olaya has taken to her father as if they have never been apart.  It reminds me of the time Belle was away from me for 6 months before I could adopt her.  When we were reunited it was as if no time had ever past.  She was mine and I was hers.  I can only imagine it is the same for Olaya and Betz.  They are a part of each other.  That bond can never be broken.  I can not wish for it to be any different.

Today, with the sun radiating, I walked, I talked, I ran.  My mom and my sister were there.  My friend Kathy was on the trail as well.  I prayed, asking for a new start.  A reset my journey.  We walked up the trail ..........

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Map Data
Map data ©2012 Google
Map data ©2012 Google
500 m
2000 ft

4630 ft Start Elev
4967.0 ft Max Elev
338.0 ft Gain
Description of this Walk