Learning To Care For Myself

It is so easy for me to get lost in the care of those I love.  If you are in my circle and tell me you are hurting, I will be there.  Dang, if you are not in my circle and tell me you are hurting, I will be there.  It is who I am.  This is not something I am ashamed of.  Caring for other, meeting the needs of others, nurturing...these are all things that bring me joy.  They do until I lose myself in it...and not in the good way. 

Honestly, I don't know if I know how to care for others and still maintain who I am and what I need.  For example, my son had surgery on the hematoma that he received Aug 7 after a tangle with a 4 wheeler.

Very quickly we went from this

 to this

to this

 which led to this.

 

Since surgery on Aug 28, we have continued to go in every other day for wound vac change. 

I don't regret any moment caring for my children.  Their health and safety is my first priority.  Like any parent, I am willing to go without to give them what they need.

However, this does not come without a cost.  This month I believe I have gained 10lbs.  I stopped getting in my daily workouts.  I stopped eating the way that is best for my body.  I DID drink my shakeology every day....I did at least that one good thing for myself each day.  I wasn't getting the sleep I needed. 

The thing I noticed the last little while is that I started getting super grumpy.  I became short with my kids.  The slightest thing would set me off. It wasn't pretty and I am not pleased with this.  Something needed to change for them and me.

Every day for the last two weeks I have woke up determined to eat clean and workout.  Let's just say each day I have gone to bed feeling broken and defeated.  I didn't do what I thought I was determined to do.  I just couldn't find my why.  This does not make for a good mental state. 

It was confirmed to me yet again that we are provided what we need when we need it.  I have been angry with myself.  Maybe I can explain it like this:

Say your child does something that they know they should not have.  You find out.  What is one of the first things you ask them?  Why?  Why did you do this?  Most often the response is, "I don't know."  I didn't always understand this but the truth is they most likely do not know why they did it.  They just did it. 

This is how I have felt about myself.  I know how to achieve my goals.  I have the resources I need to achieve my goals.  I just haven't.  Why did I eat that?  Why didn't I get up when my alarm went off?  Why? Why? Why?

I DON'T KNOW!!!!

I don't know.  I don't know the exact reason.  There are many to chose from.  The main point is all this the last few weeks has made me angry.  Just so happens I was reading in The Compound Effect today and the author was describing how anger is a great motivator.  Anger can call people to action.  Anger can make the silent, vocal.  Funny thing being angry with myself was quite possibly exactly what I needed.

Today I ate on my plan.

Today I listened a podcast from Shrinking Obesity and then read from The Compound Effect.

Today I moved my body.

Today I took all my Beachbody Performance Line Supplements.

Today I changed the dialogue running in my head (did you know we have the power to alter that?).

Today I modeled healthy behaviors for my children.

I completed Body Beast Legs.

Followed it up with Cize Full Out.

My girls joined me for Cize.  We are loving dancing together.

And finally this evening I took new Before pics.  I have been hiding not wanting to take these.  In fact I was in a group this last month where I was asked to take before and after pics as part of the group requirements.  I didn't take the before pics because (get this) I didn't think the after would show any difference.  How is that for self fulfilling prophecy? 

Enough of that.  I took them.  On October 8 I will put on these same clothes and take them again.  There will be a change.  I will be happy with my results. 

This girls does not begin to think she has all the answers.  (Why am I typing in third person)  I have fallen.  I have rested.  I have been trampled on.  I also get up each time I fall.  I am getting up!

Whatever it takes!

If you are interested in any of the Beachbody programs please visit my affiliate link. 

Better Late Than Never

As September approached I had ideas of a great new start.  New season.  New month. New week.  There is something about the turning of the calendar that gives me hope and renewal.  My plan was to announce a group of like minded people and enjoy September from day one with each day moving towards more of my health focused goals.

And then life happened. After a four-wheeler accident on August 7, my son FINALLY got to the person we needed and surgery was performed on Aug 28.

He did fabulous and is healing wonderful with the help of a wound vac.  This is everything that I have prayed for.  That said, school had also just started that week.

New routine after the end of our summer fun has thrown all of us.  So my point is, September 1 came...and September 1 went.  I never set up my group.  I never posted for people to join me.  With everything going on I believe I pulled away from social media the last week to a great extent. 

And then came the internal guilt.  I want o reach my goals.  I felt I missed my window.  The first passed.  Thought I could pull it together on the second.  The second passed.  On Thursday the third we did pull together at the last minute a celebration of joy party.  As a family we were so tired of all the yuck from August

• lost both of our Newfoundland's within a 48 hour period.  Their deaths hit us hard.
• three of us had strep
• Keaton had his accident
• three weeks of hematoma getting worse and worse
• two of my childhood friends took their own lives

We decided to have a party.  Keaton and Isabella both had a birthday in August.  We did celebrate but we never did have cake and ice cream.

We sent out text invites and it was a joy to see our home filled with family and friends. It was even better to forget all the struggles for an evening and focus on the joy in our lives...of which there is much.

So as each day passed the story I started to tell myself was that I wasn't worth running a group or achieving my goals.  I started telling myself I was a phony because I couldn't pull it together when I wanted to do it.  For a minute I started to believe those stories.  I saw some things on FB that tore away some more at my self image and I decided I wasn't going to try to run the group.

Then I thought of a friend.  She had awesome success last month.  She happened to be in one of my challenge groups.  She did the work on her own but the accountability helped her stay focused.  I reached out to her and she agreed the lack of accountability the last week had thrown her a little. 

See I need the groups and it appears those in the groups need them as well.  There is something about checking in each day (in a safe place) that helps keep us on track and when we get of track it helps get us back on.

I start today.  I am creating my group super quick and will add people as the month goes on.  There are a few ready to go.  I am ready to go.  I need the accountability.  I need the community. 

In addition....I am going to blog.  I can't commit to it happening often.  My life is super busy and if I miss my expectation those stories will start back up.  I am shooting for weekly to start.  One post a week will keep me going for now and if I get more in even better.

I may be starting late.
I may be the turtle in the group.
I have so much to learn.
I still battle those stories I tell myself.


Late is better than never.
Turtles finish the race.
I have come so far already.
Those stories can change when I do the work.

I know I have been here before.  I know I have had these fresh starts before.  I know that as long as I don't quit, I have not failed.

My group is forming now.  We will start a prep week Monday, September 7.  We will officially launch Monday, September 14.

If you are interested.....even a little...contact me. 

If you can relate to something in my story we need to connect.  I need you.  You need me.

• Obese the majority of my adult life
• food addictions
• food triggers
• experience depression
• mother
• single parent
• employed full-time
• desire to stay active
• desire to eat health
• desire to teach your children better habits
• pre-diabetic or diabetic
• have children with weight concerns
• body image issues

If you relate to any of these things....contact me at
wortheveryounce@gmail.com
www.facebook.com/wortheveryounce

We need each other.