Reset

I don't really have an explanation for this post.  I have been away from blogging for quite some time.....for various reasons.  One big reason has to do with it has seemed each time I post information about certain people in my life, not to long after they are gone.  I think I have a little post traumatic stress from blogging.  Yet, don't think there is a day that I don't think about writing.  Truth is, I need it.  My words may not make sense to anyone else but the action of placing the thoughts in my head to paper help settle my thoughts.

That said, I am not prepared to do a recap of the last 6-9 months.  I just want to start from here.  I purchased a new laptop for just this reason...blogging.  The desktop computer is in the basement.  I like to write while in bed during this last hour of the day, the kids are all in bed and the house is quite before I rest my head on the pillow.

So, here we go...

Workout this evening...

 

followed by

Body Pump

 

Feels so good to move.

 

Physical movement is needed in my daily life more than ever.  It is my drug of choice.  I am afraid if I miss even a day of it, I may have a mental break (that is not an exaggeration).  Moving forward sometimes comes as just moving, afraid to slow down and let what is behind to catch up.  Movement is healing.  I am going to be doing lots of moving the next little while.

Realizing I am not the only one with struggles, I want you to know, you are not alone.  This journey is shared.  Find someone, tell someone, trust someone with your burden.  Talk to me.  Together we are strong.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

Home for lunch, determined to get something posted to my blog. 

so real quick........

Like many of you, I get discouraged.  I feel inadequate.  I feel my efforts are for nothing.  I struggle to see the end from the beginning.  In my life, I work hard at my job and feel my family life suffers.  I create more time for my children and I lose sight of my personal identity.  I dedicate time to my home life and my workouts take a dip.  I finally read that book I borrowed from a coworker six months ago and I forget about parent night at the school.  Do you relate? 

That said, I am truly happy with my struggle.  I see the ups and the downs as part of a journey.  It seems we are trying to reach a destination, however once there, what will we have.  It will be over. 

So yes, life is a balancing act.  There is no end point in balancing.  It is motion, movement, fluid and constant.  And.....I am ok with that.  I am ok with being right where I am, right at this given time.

Does that mean I don't continue to try?  Does that mean I look around and say this is all there is?  No.  I adjust.  I am flexible.  I dream big dreams.  I love harder.  I forgive more of myself and others.  I practice patience.  I push myself to my limits.  I rest when I need to rest. 

So,

whatever your journey, wherever you are......balance.  Shift your weight.  Adjust your sails.  but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

As I fight my way back to get to where I was with my running ability in November, as I try to be a good wife, as I work to be a better mother, sister, friend, daughter.......it is that simple, one foot in front of the other. 

I may be slow but I will finish this race.

 

Hopefully soon I will post a few pics and thoughts from the events of January 27....single mom, is single no more.

 

 

A Little Surprise

I have wrestled with posting more of my family life on this page.  I have decided it just makes sense to me.  Time is one thing I have quite sparingly. Maintaining our family blog and this one is just not realistic and honestly WorthEveryOunce is all about life with my children.  So here is my first post just about us.

 

 

The last 9 months I have been off an on looking for a home to purchase.  Regrettably I have rented for the last almost 10 years since the time I divorced from my first husband.  When my second husband left two years ago I was left broken and afraid.  I have been a stay home mother for the last two years and had a 9 month old nursing baby plus my three older children.

 

Over the last two years, I worked hard.  We have sacrificed.  I dug myself out of a financial mess the departure of my husband left me in.  I also managed to save what was needed for a down payment on a home.  For the most part I live debt free.

 

That said, looking for a home in my price range and meeting the needs of 4 kids has been discouraging.  If I liked a home it was on the wrong side of town and wrong school for the kids.  If it was in my price range it needed far to much work to fix it up.  I was just at a loss. 

 

Long story short....in October I found a home on craigslist for sale by owner.  We close next week....finally.  Today the sellers dropped by my work with the key and said I was welcome to start moving everything over (so nice working with amazing people and not having to deal with a go between -realtor....not that I don't love all my realtor friends!!!!!!!). 

 

With the kids not knowing about me having the key I created a plan.

 

When I arrived home this evening from work we had plans to head right over to the gym together.  Knowing the kids were ready, I changed into my gym clothes and asked them to meet me in the kitchen before we went out to the car.

 

I asked them to think of one thing they would want to take from our home if we needed to leave suddenly. It could be anything they wanted.  They just needed to be able to carry it themselves and get it in two minutes.  The kids looked at me stunned.  I could tell they each had many questions to ask.  Even worried looks.  I then said.....GO.

 

And off they went.  Miss Olaya was the only one that needed help so I took her in her room and asked her to bring one favorite thing.  She picked two.  Her Dora pillow and her glass miniature dolphin.  Each of the older kids took off in different direction, yet all returning with the same item.  Each child returned with their personal set of scriptures. (Maybe this mom is doing something right.) It did not even cross my mind that they would get that item and certainly not all three of them.  (Although later my oldest did tell me he didn't go get his iPod because it was already in his pocket.)  Now, feeling a little unworthy, I showed them my item, a picture of my four kids.

 

From there I simply told them to take their item out to the car.  And off we went.  We stopped at Subway to get dinner.  The kids kept saying we are going to eat at the gym or maybe we are going to grandma's.  They didn't know what I had in mind.

 

I drove them to our new home.  We went in.  I had them rest all their items on the kitchen counter and I shared with them that I wanted the first item we brought in the home to tell the new house who we are.  Then we would leave out item at the house to greet us when we returned.  Each of the kids took their favorite item to their new room and I placed the picture of the kids on the fridge.

 

 

 

We shared a picnic lunch right there on the living room floor.  It was fabulous.  New paint and carpet smell all around us. The kids talked about where to put this and where to put that and what they would do here.  I was in heaven.  We ARE going to have a home. 

 

Just before we left, we completed our 40 squats for the December squat-a-thon challenge.  Great way to break in the new house.  With no curtains on the windows, I am sure the neighbors already think we are freaks. 

 



We have waited for this for a very long time.  Although I know I have worked very hard to place myself in a position that we could purchase a home, I am also profoundly grateful to my Father in Heaven for always protecting me and giving me the ability to work and think and progress.  I keep having to remind myself that this is actually happening.

The next two weeks are going to be hectic. I want to maintain my fitness goals.  However, I sing with a community choir through the university and our Christmas concert with the symphony is Fri and Sat night of this weekend.  Four hour rehearsal last night and another tomorrow night.  And now packing and moving on top of that.  I may just have to count box carrying as my weight training.

And let me take a moment to acknowledge all our supporters.  You all give me strength when I don't think I can go on.  Life is good.  Life is better when shared.  Thank you!!

Weigh-In Wednesday Nov 28

My desire has been to be accountable.  By posting each week I feel I am accountable to myself and to you.  However, I am such a hider.  When things are good, I easily want to post.  When things are bad, I hide.  I find something to do and believe me, as a single working mother of four active littles there is always something I can find to do instead of sitting down and sharing my results.

I have got to get over this.  It would be nice if everything along this journey was happy and positive.  It isn't.  Sometimes I hurts.  Sometimes it is ugly.  Sometimes it is stagnant.  The journey has ups and it has downs.  I am learning to be ok with both.  It is the both that make my journey authentic.

So, on that note.

The last time I posted my weight on my blog was on Halloween. At that point it was

Highest Weight: 279

Last Weight: 248
Current Weight: 253

Today:
247 lbs -6 lbs since last weigh in
-32lbs total

Woo to the Hoo!!

Not to shabby after a crazy indulgent weekend of food.  Which that is another not so pleasant topic worth addressing.

I did pretty good at the actual Thanksgiving meal.  The kids and I had done our 5K that morning so I had the calorie burn I needed.  My breakfast had been a protein shake. I mananged to eat sensibly at dinner.  Wasn't stuffed. Only a bite of stuffing.  A bite of potatoes.  A nice helping of white turkey meat. And so forth.

However, my struggle came later.  The PIES.  My emotions took over.  I felt alone in a house full of 30 people (anyone else ever feel the most alone when surrounded my people?).  Holidays are hard.  Especially when you are the only one in your family that has been divoced and you see couples everywhere.  I know they each share in their own struggles.  I get that.  On a daily basis I do pretty good.  The holidays just seem to intensify feelings I would rather keep buried.

Then, Friday night the kids and I indulged in a frozen food dinner party.  Totino's pizza (they are the crappiest form of pizza you can buy but once in a while I crave one like nothing else), frozen stuffed cheese pretzels, frozen burritos, deli california rolls, and everything needed to make milkshakes at home.  I think you get the idea.  I didn't eat until gorged.  But I ate. I ate enough.

So there ya have it.  The down part.  I celebrate my weight loss.  I am sad because I know it would have been higher had I not slipped over the weekend.

This week I am back on track with no wheat/ no sugar.  I know I struggle with it.  However, my body performs better, feels better, rests better and thinks better when I eat clean.  It is my head I have to get out of the way.  I have been adding spinach to my morning vanilla protein shake. I LOVE IT!!!  Usually I do vanilla protein powder, ice cubes, water, frozen strawberries, frozen pineapple and a large handful of spinach.  Try it.  You can not even taste the spinach and it adds some great nutrients.

I have got in a workout of some sort every day this week.  My desire is to hit the gym for my 3 mile run at 5 a.m. and then again after work for weights and classes.  No such luck.  My home life comes first.  Kids have activities.  I have choir practice at the university.  We have family time, shopping time, down time and cleaning time.  Therefore, my goal is to be gentle with myself.  Get in 20 min of yoga if I am short on time.  Do a zumba video in my room while dinner cooks if that is all I can do.  On the nights I can hit the gym, I hit the gym.  I have re-fallen in love with Body Combat class at Gold's.  Basically I am ok with doing what I can, when I can. Don't get me wrong....I am not letting myself off easy.  I am getting in a workout everyday. Just can't guilt myself when I can't get in a 3 mile run and one hour of weight training every day.  It just is not where I am in my life.  I want to love on my littles.

Speaking of which....check out my littles busting the moves at our post Thanksgiving workout on Friday with our dear friend Kathy.  Oh my goodness, I love these kids.  Miss B was at my sisters so she missed out on all the fun.

Monday Night

Tonight (Wednesday)

I also want to send a shout out to Tiffany at Dance Lift Run. She was brave enough not to hide from her Wednesday Weigh In post even when her results where not what she wanted.  I read her post earlier today and knew I couldn't hide.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me....all three of you that read this.  :)  Would love to hear your thoughts. Did you have a tough holiday?  What are you doing to get back on track?  Any great green smoothie recipes?

Happy Wednesday everyone!!

Giving Thanks

There is truly much to be thankful for.  Not only did we celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday this past week, my little family experienced a first....hopefully the first of many more to come.  We ran our first 5K on Thanksgiving morning in Idaho Falls.  My mama heart is full for the accomplishments and direction my family is going....and we are going there together.

 

I have to thank my running partner, Eric.  He encouraged me to get my miles in when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch at the end of the day.  As the run approached, he offered to push the stroller and stay with Keaton and Belle so that I could get a best time.

 

 



Getting Ready

Pre-Run
I love these kids!!

Race volunteer passing out candy canes.

 

Here We Go

 

When the start bell signaled everyone just started running.  Our bibs had an electronic timer that started as we crossed the start/finish line.  The first thing I learned at this race is that I am a creature of habit.  I am not used to running outside.  I am not used to running without my headphones.  I am not used to not having a walking warm up.  Like everyone else, when the signal started I took off. Bad Bad Bad.  It didn't take long that my calves were killing me.  I didn't like being in a clump of people.  I am far to self-conscious about my running.  I didn't like hearing their conversations.  I worried about holding Taron back but then I wanted him right with me.  I was a mess.  We were not to far into the race when I thought I wasn't even going to be able to finish.  How Silly Is That???  Three miles...I do that almost every day.  And here I was contemplating a quit. 

 

Then good Tara told bad Tara to quit being a big baby.  Seriously?  It's three miles.  You can do this in your sleep, I told myself.  Then the unexpected happened.

 

I took out a 4 year old.

 

Really, he took me out.

 

I am sure you can imagine the starts of these races.  Everyone is still moving together in a large swarm at the beginning.  There were people all around us.  A mother pushing a stroller was just to my left and a few steps behind me.  Her little boy was running along side.  He was over in the grass and we were on the sidewalk running along the greenbelt. 

 

I glanced back to see if I could see the kids and Eric behind in the mass.  Then it happened....I have heard runners talk about hitting a wall during their run.  Oh did I feel it.  I never realized they meant it so literal.  Well, it wasn't a wall but what I hit, I hit hard and it took me down.  That little boy that was running along side his mother was apparantly also looking behing and he swerved over in front of me at the very same time I glanced behind. 

 

And down we went.

 

Luckily he was totally fine.  I jumped up and kept on going.  However within a few minutes I wasn't feeling so great.  My hands were stinging from bracing my fall.  My left leg was on fire from hitting the ground. Bad Tara was saying just stop, now you have a legit reason.

 

It wasn't my drive and passion that kept me going.  It was total shame.  I was to afraid to let that grouping of people around us see me hurting or see me quit.  I pushed on.

 

So here is the deal.  That 5K was hard.  This is what I learned.  I need my headphones.....or initially I do.  By the 1.5 mile mark the groups started to thin out.  Taron and I were basically alone.  My calves finally started to relax after not having a warm up.  By the beginning of mile 2 Taron wanted to run on ahead to take my picture crossing the finish line.  I agreed.  I felt bad he was being held back by my pace.  Once he was gone I was finally able to get in sync with my body.  The rythym I needed from my music was found in the beating of my feat upon the ground, the inhilation and exhalation of my breath and even the internal movement of the blood in my veins.  I was able to clear my thoughts of what other people thought of me running.  The guilt was gone for holding Taron back.  

 

Finally, I was running. 

 

Not sure but I think I ran the entire last mile and a half.  The 3.1 mile course was actually 3.74 miles. It was tough.  It felt amazing. I cried some near the end.  I laughed that I had ever thought I should quit back at the beginning.  

 

Near the end I wanted to walk again.  The many volunteers cheered me on.  They told me I was almost there.  They told me not to give up. And by then, I couldn't hit the final stretch in a walk.  I was going to end the race pushing my body.  Three cheers for the volunteers!!!

 

And then there it was......rounded a corner and there was the final stretch and the welcome FINISH line.

 

  



Crossing the Finish!
MapMyWalk unofficial time
54:59, 3.74 mi, 14:43 min/mi
yes, I walked quite a bit
Yes I ran quite a bit

 

A Snuggle from the Mascot

 

The one thing better than crossing that finish line, watching my son come across it.  My beautiful Keaton is slowly coming around to the changes our family is under going.  He still fights me to some degree about exercise.  If given the choice, he would rather stay home from the gym (who wouldn't).  He did walk the entire course.  And you know what, I don't care.  He did it.  He can say he crossed the finish line.  He can say he walked 3.7 miles on Thanksgiving morning.  I saw the joy in his eyes as he did.  He was smiling as his picture shows.  All I can do is build upon one experience after another.  One race and then another.  One success and then another.  I love my boy, as I love all my children.  Running that course was worth it to me to be at the finish line ready to welome my babies as they came across. 

I wasn't able to catch Bella's photo.  She surprised me and the camera wasn't ready.



 

My Pride at the Finish

Pure JOY

 

Thank you Eric!!!
Thanks for being my running partner and gym buddy.
You have set an example for me with your running.
Next year I will be at that half marathon competing!!

 

 

 

 

So what am I thankful for?

 

I am thankful first for my God.  He forgives me of my faults and is my strength to continue on each day striving to be of service to him and be a better me.

 

Next, my four beautiful littles. Together we are a pretty great team.  There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. 

 

And for this post, the last thing I want to mention is that I am grateful, so very grateful, for my body.  It has taken years of abuse and neglect and each day it gives me everything I ask of it.  I am learning so much from the new experiences I am sharing with my body.  Running.  Lifting.  Pushing hard.  Sweating.....who knew sweating could feel so fabulous?

 

Our Thanksgiving celebrations didn't stop with the run.  Friday night we attended the light parade.  Every minute I get with these kids is spectacular. 

 





 

 

And finally, my weekend ended with a childless tip to the local hot pools.  I love time with my kids but after so much, Mom needs a little time alone.  After a full Saturday with the kids, I dropped them at home and a friend and I escaped to Lava.  IT WAS HEAVEN!!!!

 

 

In the end, I am most thankful for the time I had this weekend with my kids, for races, for snuggles and for some me time.

 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone......not just on the holiday.......everyday!!!

I Needed This

I want to be in love. Maybe I should start with myself.

Running: My Thoughts

While this running thing is still in the infancy stage, I can't deny I plan to watch it grow into something big.

 

WHY?  Why has it taken hold?

 

Last week I had an experience, an aha moment, if you will.

 

It was Thursday night.  I had not gone for a run since Saturday at the Color Run.  I was tired.  In fact, I had practically fallen asleep on the couch just before leaving for the gym.  My mental state could not take a negative hit, or so I thought, so I was debating just jumping on the elliptical for an hour.  I can do the elliptical in my sleep.  It isn't much effort. 

 

 

Nope.  I decided I was going to work out on the treadmill.....no matter what.

 

 

I met with my old friend the treadmill.  We have a love hate relationship, me and that machine.

 

 

As I started my 5K Trainer, I noticed this run was going to consist of a 5 minute walking warmup, an 8 minute run, 5 minute walk, 8 minute run and then the 5 minute cool down.

 

TWO, EIGHT MINUTE RUNS!!!!

 

I know for all you runners that doesn't sound like much.  You have to understand, the simple fact that I am even talking about running seems out of sorts for me.  Only a few months ago, I could barely run down the block. I have never ran.  EVER.

 

 

So, I started my trainer.  I figured I would just do my best.  No More.  No Less.

 

Long story short.

 

I.  Did.  It.

 

I did it well!  Not going to lie, it was hard.  It was almost at my limit.  I say almost.  Heck, I don't know what my limit is.

 

Once I finished the second 8 minute run, my running partner (on the treadmill next to me) stopped his run and gave me a hug.  He cheered for me.  He acknowledged my effort.  And then it hit me.

 

This rush.  This beautiful, intense, overwhelming rush of everything.  I heard voices telling me I couldn't do it.....mostly my own.  I heard voices telling me, YOU! GO! GIRL!  The tears began to flow.  Not blubbering sloppy mess tears.  Cleansing, warm, grateful tears.

 

 

Then I realized why I love this running thing.

 

 

 

There is almost nothing in my life with a guaranteed return.  I clean the house and 30 minutes later you can't tell.  I complete all the laundry in the house one day only to find more waiting for me the next day.  In relationships, I give everything I have only to find my efforts gained me nothing but lies and broken dreams (the reason for my recent diagnosis with PTSD.....from men.....true story).  As parents, we try our best to raise our children and their really is no guarantee there either.  I write a chore list and it may or may not get done.  :) 

 

Not the case with running.

 

All I have to do is show up.  Running has never failed me.  My body has never failed me.  We have a perfect alliance.  I move.  It moves.  It demands more of me.  I give more.  I say I can't do it.  It says it is time for more.  My body says bring it on.

 

 

 

So this running thing.....I think we are nurturing a beautiful bond together.

 

I see all the physical benefits.  I am experienceing them.  However, for now, I run to running for the emotional and mental benefits.  All I have to do is show up.

 

In this line, the kids and I have signed up for a 5K for Thanksgiving morning.  Best to start healthy traditions now and get the running bug started with them.

 

One last thing.

 

This last Saturday I had the opportunity to take a friend to the start of a half marathon called the Just Cuz here in Pocatello.  People dressed up as zombies, wore tutu's, dressed normal or just did whatever.  One guy was in Hawaiian print.

 

The beautiful part was being at the finish line as the runners came in.  I saw some runners with stoic faces as they advanced their last stretch.  I watched some with joy all over their face.  I saw mothers that radiated when their kids ran out to them and held their hands as they ran to the finish together.

 

That's what I want.  Necxt year.  Twelve months from now I will run that race.  I shared with my littles how amazing that would be if they would run out there to usher me to the finish line and they all said yes.  Except my 14 year old.  He wants to run the race with me.  HECK YA!!!!

 

So yes, this running thing isn't going away any time soon.

 

LOVE YOU ALL!!!  You are so worth it!!!