I SHOULD BE HAPPY.....And I Really Am

So here is what I posted to my FB like page today:

I'm sitting at my Dr.'s office. I'm a little happy. I haven't really said anything about what I have been doing because I was afraid it would be one more thing that wouldn't work for me.

HOWEVER, between regular (not even every day) 30 minute a day home workouts (thank you Beachbody), daily dose of whole food nutrition (thank you Shakeology and Beachbody), the right medical diagnosis and medications (which at this point can be reversed, thank you Wellness Center), surrounding myself with people that I believe in and believe in me (many I have never met in person), I am happy to report I AM DOWN 17 LBS IN 6 WEEKS!!!!

There is no quick fix. There is no magic pill, magic shake or magic wrap.

It is small efforts daily that over time bring big results and lasting changes.

So here is the deal.  Yes, I am thrilled I have lost 17 lbs.  Yes, I am happy the scale is finally moving in the right direction.  Yes, I am happy I have finally found answers and support and a correct balance just right for me. Yes, I am feeling better. 

I ALSO can't help but be sad that although I have lost 17 lbs., I am still at the heaviest I have ever been.  Although I am down 17 lbs., I think of what that means for what my heaviest weight actually was.  I couldn't bring myself to weigh here at home once I knew I had moved above a certain high weight.  When I weighed at the Wellness Center I was in shock at the number that stared back at me.  I am sad I allowed myself to struggle and stumble and fail so many times thinking it was all my fault.  I kept getting up and fighting each day when inside I felt like I was dying.  Nothing was working.  I DIDN'T KNOW!!  I didn't know that my body needed a little help. 

Now that I know what my body needs, I am seeing the results.  There is no one size fixes all.  There just isn't.  For me it wasn't just changing my food.  It wasn't just loving myself first.  It wasn't just focusing on my kids.  It wasn't just addressing my mental health.  It wasn't just working out.  It wasn't just medications. It wasn't just finding supportive people...my tribe.  It wasn't just letting go of people that hurt me more than they helped.  It wasn't just......ANYTHING!!!

For me it is all these things!

I keep typing out all this semi-motivational stuff and then I delete it.

All I want to say right now is THIS SUCKS. It is okay to be angry.  It's okay to be sad.  It's okay to be right where I am and feel the feelings I am having and not have to justify or push them away. I can be happy and sad at the same time!!!! OVERTHE EXACT SAME 17 lbs.!!!

Goodnight.

Always Try

Good morning and happy Saturday everyone.  I want to quickly share a video with you and my thoughts on something I have been struggling thinking about the last few days.  We don't have to have all the answers.  We don't have to be 100% to share who we are and what we want to do.  We just have to try.

 

Love you all,

Tara

 

Ok for some reason I am unable to get this darn video to load.  I'll try again tomorrow.   

 

 

Finding My Groove

I have been reading in the book The Compound Effect the last little while.  I tried reading it a while back and quit half way through.  In fact as I look back, I was doing quite a bit of starting and not finishing things. 

Maybe I was giving up before I got in my groove. 

I have been reading that our daily disciplines are like the wheels of a steam locomotive.  At a complete stop, it doesn't take much to keep the wheels locked up.  The pistons only start moving with an incredible amount of steam.  This process is slow.  At the start movement can be easily measured.  Author Darren Hardy states

But once the train starts rolling, the wheels get into a rhythm.  If the pressure remains consistent, the train gains momentum and watch out!  At 55 miles an hour, that train can crash through a five-foot, steel-reinforced concrete wall and keep on going.

Just picture it.  Even with adversity and barriers, a train will continue to push forward.  Why can't that be me?  Or I am making that me.  It may be slow starting.  My progress may not even be visible at first.  But let me tell you, with consistent pressure I will get this body of mine making progress that won't be stopped. 

I already see it.  I already feel it.  This little engine that could is gaining momentum.  I am finding my groove and I won't let the twists and turns get me off track.

We Are Breaking Up

For such a long time you were exactly what I needed.  I can't count how many sweat drops poured out while I was with you.  Pounds were lost.  Confidence found.  Friendships strengthened.  Fears crushed.  Barriers broken.  A community found.  For right around 18 months you were how I started my day.  I ran to you for sanctuary when everything in my world came crashing down.  Many Saturday afternoons were spent bringing my children to you for some splishing and splashing. You were my safe place.

Then everything changed.

The demands upon me changed.  Three children, added to my already four children, came to my home for love and safety.  As a single parent working a full-time job suddenly with a newborn and all the demands a newborn brings and a 3 year old with extreme night terrors...time with you was out of the question.  My body shifted to basic survival mode. At the same time my personal world experienced another shift....an end, one that wasn't expected BUT needed.  Everything I had was put into meeting the needs of seven children on my own.

After 9 months the three children returned to their mother.  As much as I rejoiced in this happening, I found my arms empty and my heart broken.  I had much healing to do.

Survival mode was now shifting to resting.  I needed to rest.  Rest my heart.  Rest my soul.  Rest my body.

Where were you?  Where was that community I had found?  No one called me asking how I was doing?  You took my money every month even though I objected.  I asked for a delay.  I asked for you to give me some time.  You told me there was nothing you could do.  You took my money every month.  In 12 months I came to you maybe 10 times and paid well over $1200.  So basically each visit cost me over $100.  You continued to take when I had nothing left to give. 

As I changed, as my needs changed, you refused to help or change with me. 

So today I am coming to you and we are officially breaking up.  I can't keep investing in you and you not being willing to invest in me.  I want a relationship that will yield mutual beneficial results.  I want a relationship that will change together.

It's been a while since I found what I needed. Yet, I held on to you, worried this new relationship wasn't going to work out.  With so many broken promises in my past, I wasn't fully ready to be all in.  I did hold on just in case I need to come back to you. I held to the idea that at one time you were everything I needed. Couldn't you be again? 

I can't be part in and part out any longer.  It's time for me to jump.  It's time for me to stop driving past you wondering. The only one to hurt from all this was me. You never even once acknowledged my absence.  I held back from giving my all to my new relationship and by doing so I held back on me.  I doubted.  I feared.  I struggled. 

NO MORE!

We are breaking up!

I am ready to be all in.  I am ready to dedicate myself to my new relationship.  I am ready to invest in me and my children.  I am ready to stop wasting $100 a month because I am afraid to let you go. I have found a community that is genuinely invested in my success.  I have found a way to combine fitness and family in the same activity.  I am better able to model good behavior for my children because I am here for them to see me.  You never allowed my little ones to be with me. Now my babies, not just the teenage ones can experience this right along with me.  When I have struggled, my new community has checked on me, encouraged me and fought right along side me. In addition, as I have invested in this new relationship, I have found a financial opportunity that I could never have dreamed about.  How amazing is that?  Can you believe it?  A health and fitness relationship that doesn't take my money every month and never care a bit about me.  I have found something I am able to align myself with in balance with who and what I am about...faith, family, fitness, food and fun. 

So here I go.  I am headed over to the gym to cancel my membership.  That moment will allow me to truly JUMP into my Beachbody involvement.  So just in case any one doesn't know, I want it to be perfectly clear, I am an active Beachbody coach.  I love this company and the team I am surrounded by. It promotes nutrition, fitness, personal development and most of all...sharing health and wellness (physical and financial) with others.

So here goes.  I AM ALL IN. 

Today is my declaration.  I can't wait to see where this year is going to take me.  No more back and forth.  No more fear.  No more holding back.  I am ready to take my next step...and the next step. 

Watch me!  Join me!  Support me!


And now I have a paper to go sign.   

We can do this!

Today is a new day.  Keaton fought me like crazy to get in our workout.  And I get it.  There are a hundred other things I would rather do.  Tonight we start preparing for our 21 Day Fix Challenge group that starts Oct 6.  Twenty one days....we can do this.  Yes we can.

On Learning

This evening my beautiful Isabella was practicing her flute before bed.  In all honesty, it was awful.  The notes were out of tune and airy.  Oh how she struggled to get the correct fingering.  Forget anything about correct timing. 

As I listened, offering encouraging words, I couldn't help but think back to my beginning days of playing the flute.  I don't play much anymore (the occasional Christmas pageant) but it all seems to be there whenever I pick up my instrument, just like riding a bike.  Hard to imagine a time when the notes where not imprinted in my fingertips or the perfect place to position my lips to create that sweet sound was not automatic.  I must have gone through that rough learning phase.  You know, that time when you wonder if you will ever catch on.  It's a difficult phase.  You see the notes on the paper, imagine the sound coming from your flute but your fingers don't move fast enough and the sound is squawky and airy.  Everyone else seems to be getting it.  You feel awkward and discouraged. 

Isn't it this way with growth, with learning. 

Right now practice time is not always exactly music to my ears.  But one day it will be.  With consistent practice and pushing through the rough patches, one day she will play masterpieces. 

And so it is with all our learning.  There will be rough days.

Then, 26 years later you look back and wonder if you ever really struggled with what now seems second nature.

Parenting: Stand Up

For my oldest child this is an exciting time.  He is in his junior year in high school.  Soon will have his full driver's license.  He has his first car.  He is working a little for his dad and earning his own money.  And...He is dating.  At least he is old enough to date.

In our faith, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, we are counseled by our church leaders to wait upon dating until we are sixteen years of age. In the church pamphlet "For the Strength of the Youth the leaders admonish the following:

A date is a planned activity that allows  a young man and a young woman to get to know each other better. In cultures where dating is acceptable, it can help you learn and practice social skills, develop friendships, have wholesome fun, and eventually find an eternal companion.

You should not date until you are at least 16 years old. When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality. Invite your parents to become acquainted with those you date.

 Choose to date only those who have high moral standards and in whose company you can maintain your standards. Remember that a young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to protect each other’s honor and virtue.

 Fast approaching is the homecoming dance for the high school.  My son has anticipated this day since the start of classes.  As his mother, I enjoyed watching him think of ways to ask his date to the dance.  He truly was excited for this event.  As his mother I was excited for him.

Somewhere along the way I forgot the young woman he wanted to take to the dance was not sixteen.  We all did.  Maybe we didn't want to think about it.  I admit the excitement and thrill of this dance and seeing my son so happy almost made me forget...that is until a few days ago. 

A friend of mine posted on FB that he was a little torn about allowing his own daughter attend her high school dance.  Not quite sixteen, her birthday would be five days after her high school dance.  Comments came in saying to just let her go.  She was a good kid.  Five days wouldn't make a difference.  And on the other side came, not sixteen means not sixteen.  If you bend on this one, you will have to bend on other boundaries.  My comment read to follow the teaching of our leaders and host a part for all the non 16 year olds and all those not attending the dance for whatever reason.  The night doesn't have to be sent feeling sorry for herself.

Then I thought of my own son.  While he is sixteen, his date will not be until late November.  UGH.  In addition, she is not a member of our faith.

 

 

Feeling like I had really dropped the ball, I wrestled with where to go from here.  Plans were already made.  The request had already gone out and a yes had been received.  My son was going to hate, detest, not like me very much.  I went to him with my concern.  I made suggestions.  Discussed with him setting an example.  Discussed the counsel from our prophet.  Discussed alternatives to the dance.  I didn't get very far.  I somehow wanted him to make this VERY BIG decision on his own.  You know, the same decision I couldn't make, I wanted him, a sixteen year old boy full of dreams and hormones, to make the right decision.

 

I made a call to his dad (we are divorced).  He agreed this was a sticky situation but we as his parents needed to set the boundary and stick with it.  He stated he would talk with his wife and call me back. 

 

As I left work, headed for home he called and stated that he had spoke with our son.  He said that in the conversation he went over the expectation of our leaders but ultimately left if up to him to make the right decision.  Although I was relieved he told our son what the standard was, I was also disappointed he did not show there was no decision to be made and that as his parents we were advising him not to attend this dance.

 

It was now up to me.

 

I arrived at home and immediately asked to speak with Taron.  Long story short, as his parent I made the decision for him.  He was hurt, angry, disappointed and sad.  Everything he felt was validated and justified.  I hurt.  I hurt for disappointing him.  I hurt for not having done it sooner.  I hurt for being left out there alone to make the decision.  After the direction was given, I discussed what happed with his dad.  Without getting into that conversation, I will say, he left me out on a limb.  As a parent, doing what is right doesn't always lead to being liked... at the time.

 

Shortly after, as I stood at the kitchen sink straightening up, tears flowed.  Wow!!  This parenting thing stinks at times.  I thought it was hard standing up for what was right when I was a teen.  It may just be even harder when you are a parent and do not want to disappoint your children. I don't want to be the one to take away all the fun. I don't want to take away his agency.   I don't want to be the one that doesn't teach that we need to follow the counsel of our prophet.  It's hard knowing I have made my own mistakes and that can be highlighted at times when trying to do what is right.

 

And then the miracle came.  Both of my teenage boys saw the goodness in following all the counsel we have been given and not just the ones that feel good at the time.  My tender son, trying to understand all of this for himself, tells me that he understands why I have made this decision and it is okay.  

 

It will be okay.  Moving forward I pray these choices will get easier.  I imagine they won't.  I can hope that as we strive to STAND Up for what we believe, as we have already made the decision to follow the counsel of our church leaders, each choice, though difficult, will already be made.  Makes following their counsel much easier when the decision to follow all of the precepts has already been made.