Fear

As I work with my therapist, fear is often a topic we address.  Fear and pain actually.  Really, my fear of pain.  What is there to say, I don't like it.  I want to avoid it. Can I just say to the Heavens, I have experienced my fair share and from here on out I can go without??

Yeah, didn't think so.

For the last few weeks I have been thoughtfully reminding myself to "Lean Into It"...meaning the pain.  He recommended this mantra just as we ended the session.  He and I didn't discuss it much.  So for the last few weeks I have diligently tried to understand what he meant and more importantly, what it means to me.

I think of the delivery of my fourth child, Olaya.  My first two deliveries, while un-medicated, were in no way "natural".  I was on my back.  No pain management.  No real support except counting through contractions.  A Dr. that was only concerned with getting baby here and less about my overall experience welcoming this spirit into the world.  My third was an adoption, so yes, that was the most physically painless one.

With Olaya, I took a natural, holistic approach to her entry.  I worked with my body, not against it.  As a contraction, or as the pain came on, I used it, knowing that only through that "pain" would my baby come into the world.  I didn't fight the contractions.  Labor was beautiful, transcendent even.  I leaned into the pain, embraced it.  By doing so,  it was the least "painful" of my deliveries.

I think of the wind.  When the wind blows hard and we have to walk through it, if we stand against it, the force can knock us over.  It is when we lean into the wind that we are able to cut through it.  We tuck in our chin, lean forward and push through.  There is always some resistance.  However, any real progress comes when we lean into it.

And so with us, with me, I am learning to lean into the pain.  I am learning to stand in it.  Feel it out.  Live in it.  Accept it.  Embrace it.

There are things in my life I wish were different.  Some days I ponder over having this or that and if that would make my life so much better. I think of the delivery with Olaya.  My mantra was this is right for me and my baby.  I repeated it over and over.  This is right for me and my baby.  This is right for my body.  This is right for me.

Today, I am learning I can still say those words.  Where ever I am....where ever you are.....this is right for you.  Whatever you are experiencing at that moment, it is right for you.  The pain.  The heartache.  The changes.  The joy.  The miracles.  The laughter.  It is where you are meant to be.  It is where I am meant to be.

Every day I remind myself, this is right for me at this time. This is right for me and my body.  I am challenging myself to work with and lean into the pain.  Fighting only leaves me in more pain and no growth and no progress. 

That said, this week has been tough emotionally and physically.  My baby has been sick since last Sunday.  Guilt has been strong this week.  I want nothing more than to be home nursing my baby back to health.  However, I have so much work to do.  I have sick time but not a break in my schedule to fit it in.  The week was filled with events.  My 9 year old's birthday.  School registration for a middle schooler and a high schooler.  Dance registration for the girls.  Desire to hit the gym hard to work out my stress, yet wanted to spend every moment after work home with my kids.  An early morning call from the police department telling me my boys were out walking the streets.  This event scared me as a mother.  I questioned my ability to parent these kids.  Sometimes I fear the world will see I have no business training and raising other humans and take away my parent card.  I got through it.  I took each event in stride.  Did what I could, when I could.  I reminded myself, I got this.

Through all of it, as happy as I am with who I am and where I am going, my heart ached to finish the day in the embrace of someone's arms telling me that it is going to be alright.  I have no doubt I can get through the day.  It is those few moments when the world quiets, when calm settles in my home, when I prepare to close my eyes that I long for something different.

This week was a true example of putting my money where my mouth was.  Each night I evaluated what I was feeling.  I lived in it.  Allowed myself to feel alone.  Allowed myself to hurt.  And I thanked my Father for all my many blessings.  I thanked him for giving me the opportunity to grow.  I thanked him for giving me four amazing spirits to love and learn from.  I thanked him for not abandoning me in my time of need.  I thanked him for giving me the ability to move my body.  To push myself to new limits.  I thanked him for forgiveness.  I forgave myself of the guilt.  I forgave myself for not eating how I should. I thanked him when I woke in the morning with another chance to do better.

This week was tough.  I am glad it is over.  I am pleased I made it. 

This morning I joined a friend for a hike/run.  We walked 1.7 miles up and ran 1.7 miles down.  We had a great talk through the whole thing.  I love that!!!  Makes the time go by so fast.  We even got a cat call at the end as we ran past a bunch of men preparing to head up the trail on bikes.  We ran past and I said good morning.  One man says good morning back and says there is nothing better than seeing pretty girls running by saying good morning.  AHHH...GROSS and SWEET at the same time.

Happy Saturday everyone. Wishing you peace and joy in all you do this weekend.  Be good to you!!