I was one day on. I was one day off. I binged. I purged (dont' judge me). I exercised harder, faster, stronger. I cheated on my food plan. I got angry with myself. I forgave myself. Constantly, I was in this flux. I wanted to progress. I didn't want to budge.
Well, that is where we get into a little of my crazy. Be warned, this is the real stuff.
A few years ago I had a friend, a guy friend. Initially we met under the expectation of potentially dating. However, as much as we enjoyed each other's company, there was no chemistry either way and we became good enough friends. I even later set him up with one of my girl friends.
We did spend considerable time together and as often does, he made comment upon my physical appearance. He repeatedly stated that I was beautiful. Complimented me when we went out. Since he was telling me things as "a friend", I grew to trust his words to some degree. The term beautiful does and will possibly forever make me squirm however.
Fast forward a certain amount of time. One day, in a comment, not directed at me, he made reference to the weight of women wanting to date him. His comment went something like this.
FB POST: Women, I love all the attention, but seriously, if you weigh over 250lbs, maybe you should get yourself in check before you come chasing me.
I think you get the idea.
Oh did I grab hold of that statement. I internalized it and never let it go. It has haunted me for going on 5 years.
Couple things happened in my head when I read that. First, I weighed over 250 lbs at the time, not by much but still over, just the same. So on one hand he was telling ME, I was beautiful, while at the same time he tells me (not actually me but I took it this way) my weight made me unacceptable to him. A number. A number on a scale somehow made the person I was undesirable, worthless and (I felt) disgusting.
Don't consider I am educated. Don't look at my ability to love. Don't see me as a mother. Don't look at my ability to maintain gainful employment. In fact, don't look or know anything about me......except a number.....a number that made me unacceptable.
Not to mention, the lie I felt he told me. The lie I began to believe everyone told me when they use the word beautiful. Now, I realize through all this, he probably never meant to hurt me. To this day, he probably has no idea that I took his comment and made it about me. But these are the messages a "larger" woman receives every day from all directions. You are beautiful. You are ugly.
Second, I felt the desire to prove him wrong. I will show you. A plus size woman is desirable and the fact that I don't go very long with out male attention proves it (not saying I am all that...or even close to all that). Something in me wanted to rebel against his statement. Well, that approach isn't so healthy either. I am going to stay a physically unhealthy weight just so that you (man who knows isn't even in my life now) will be proven wrong.
In the very least, as I approached the 250 lb mark, I struggled internally. I fought to get below it. Yet I sabotaged those efforts in order to stay above. Even writing this out hurts. Ashamed this is my issue. Ashamed I allowed some arbitrary person to define me.
No more. I am acceptable just the way I am. I am desirable as a woman with so much to offer. That number is not who I am. I have discussed this issue with my support system and in great detail with my therapist. We prepared to move past it. I visualized it. I got on track with my OA recovery. I forgave myself of the pain I inflicted upon myself. I surrendered to my higher power. I gave it all to Him.
Today, I stepped on the scale and the number flashed back 248 lbs. I was thrilled. I had to catch my breathe even. I did it. I broke through. Letting go of the mental and emotional, allowed a physical result. Can't deny that it felt really good to see that number.
Then as I was in the shower, I started thinking. Truth is, I got angry. Yesterday, I was no different than I am today. Let me say it again. At 251 lbs, I was no different than at 248 lbs. Somehow I thought there would be a horn sounding and it would be announced to the world that I was now on the acceptable list. Nope. Nothing happened. I did write this blog post. Otherwise, the world continued spinning with no care that I was now under 250 lbs. That number I allowed to define me.....MEANS NOTHING. I am the same. And I like me, just the way I am.
That said, I will continue to strive to be healthy. I work hard (it is work). But I enjoy pushing my body. I love when the endorphins kick in during a great workout. And most, I love having my babies with me at the gym and as we incorporate being active every day.
We are eating healthier. As much as I love adding activity to our daily life, food is the main change. I am good to myself when I eat. I eat foods that will fuel my body and not trigger me to cause harm. The true change has been in the way I eat and approach food in general.
|April 2012-at the beginning of this journey|
|Today, down 30 lbs|
Tonight my regular Zumba class was cancelled so I went over to Gold's for cardio work. My friend Karianne found me and asked me to join her for RapidFit class. WHEW!!! Glad I did. It was nice to hear the trainer tell me I worked that pretty well. He was impressed with my energy and I told him I train at Spencer-King and explained the training I am doing in Strength and Conditioning. He understood how I could do so well in his session. WOO HOO!!
Happy Tuesday everyone.
No matter what....
you are perfect just the way you are.