Worth It

Quickly, between morning gym workout and hopping in the shower, I want to make a shout out to my trusted workout buddy and friend, Avril.  You encouraged me to get out of bed this morning (which has been extra hard since adding a memory foam topper to my new to me king bed).

Have a great Wednesday everyone.  Day three of abstinence.  I know it is worth it.

Picture found via pinterest here.

I Put My Hand In Yours

I am thankful that I learned that abstinence–not adherence to a particular way of eating–is the goal.

Lifeline Sampler (p. 304)

The last few weeks I have been attending a twelve step program on Saturday.  The idea of going has always been nothing more than a little joke in the back of my thoughts.  Hearing bits and pieces of the program, I had thought maybe it was a place/people I could identify with.

Through a blessed angel, there was an opportunity to attend a meeting two Saturday's ago.  Off and on through the meeting I felt tears swell in my eyes and fall to my cheeks (that may not surprise anyone that knows me).  Most often, in any social, religious or family setting, I feel somehow out of place.  I can say for certain, from the moment I walked in the room, the group members felt like home to me.  Thinking it was because I went to the meeting with two trusted lifelong friends, a the second meeting I felt the same way.

I want to write more, but I see the time is late.  This momma is on a strict sleep schedule to allow for early morning workouts.  I will leave with this.....

I made it through one day of abstinence.  I made it through one day of not giving in to my compulsion to eat through every single emotion I encounter in a day.


"The concept of abstinence is the basis of OA’s program of recovery. By admitting inability to control compulsive eating in the past and abandoning the idea that all one needs is “a little willpower,” it becomes possible to abstain from overeating—one day at a time."

It took me a week to decide what abstinence was going to mean for me.  For each person it is different.  Today I abstained from wheat and sugar.  The tray of double chocolate brownies I made for my children was calling for me as I tried to prepare dinner.  However, I said a prayer, knew I could call one of my group members and was able to count my many blessings until my dinner was ready.  Then I turned to my children and later the computer for positive thoughts. 

Tonight I will close my eyes knowing I succeeded.  I made it through one day of abstinence.  If I can make it through one, I can make it through another.

Excuses

I really needed this today. I have been making excuses. 

Image found via pinterest

Goals for the Week

I have been terrible at staying on track the last few months. I need to recommit myself. I am going to try harder to post on here my goals and keep track. This week...
1-No Candy
2-Drink lots of water
3-No eating after 7:00.

Inspiration for the day...
The key to experiencing real success and true happiness is to be the seed and plant yourself. 
When you plant yourself where you are with a passionate desire to make a difference you’ll grow into the influencer you were born to be.
 Full article can be found HERE.

I am planting the seed of healthy living. So I can see the change I want for the future. It is not possible to have a quick fix to my weight issue. It takes time. I need to be consistent and make the changes in my life that are needed in order to have the results I desire. 

ZUMBA LUVIN

For the two people that actually read this, I count as one of those, I want you to know that I feel I am on my way back.  Or maybe I am finally just on my way.  Crazy how when I sit down to write my brain wants to puke out all these ideas that have been percolating in my soul.  I want to talk about addictions.  Love.  Loss. Motherhood.  Dating.  Raising children in this day.  Finding time for my babies.  Finding time for me.  Sharing my new job.  Sharing the joy I have found in fitness.  Thanking my Father for a body I have taken for granted that has endured harsh abuse (not violent, just bad food bad habits) and still performs the way I ask it to.  The sunrise.  Music.  Faith.  My baby girl that is turning into a little person I can't get enough of.  My little lady that thrills me every day to be her mother.  My boys that has the biggest heart and only wishes to be loved.  My oldest in his quiet stillness is still asking for time with his momma.  So much to share..............

For now I will only share about my latest experience with ZUMBA.  At the current time, I have two gym memberships.  One to Gold's Gym in Pocatello that I attend in the morning for my time and one to EXCEL Weight Loss Solutions that I started going to right after work to support my Keaton. Now I am addicted to my two a day workouts.  I arise (most days) at 4:30 in the morning, slip into my gym clothes, start a load of laundry and then hit the road to be there by 5.  Avril and I stay until about 6:10.  Mon, Wed, and Friday my goal is to work on a 5k training plan and then weights.  On Tues and Thursday I aim for 30 min on the elliptical and then body pump (intense weight training) class.

With my new employment, I am able to work my schedule around so that I can get off at 4:30 to then pick up Miss Olaya from child care, hussle home to drop her off with the Taron and Belle, change clothes, grab Keaton and then over to classes at Excel at 5.  Mon, Wed we do a family friendly weight training aerobic class.  Tuesday is Zumba, I think.  Thursday is Yoga and Friday Zumba with weights.  PHEW!!!! (Hence my new addiction.)  Then Saturday we hit Zumba at 9 in the morning.....which brings me to my thoughts today from class.

First,  why can't I let myself go?  I love this form of fitness.  It strikes a cord with me listening to the Latin music with sultry rhythms and dance styles from my heritage.  You would think I would rock this.  Well, when I am not in the front of the mirror I do pretty well.  Today I positioned myself in front of a wall with no mirror.  I felt better as I allowed my body to work through the moves.  Unlike when I am in front of the mirror, I notice I restrain myself.  Ashamed to watch my body move.  Ashamed to see my stomach shake and the belly hang over when I raise my arms.  Ashamed when I see the large mass hanging from both my arms.  I make my moves small and confined.  And even with this I find shame, scolding words tell me to move, enjoy. let myself go....I am in a safe place with women that encourage me and Keaton by my side.  My steps are wrong.  My rhythm is off.  More scolding.  Eventually I settle into making my mind allow my body to just do it.  By the end of class I am moving and flowing.  Still some restraint but the words have settled to you can do this.....keep going.....move your hips....smile, you like this.....you were born for this.

Today was mostly different.  Without the mirror directly in front of me, I didn't see myself looking back, ready to squash my joy and desire to push hard.  I moved my hips more.  I rocked it when I could.  I put my Latin dancing flare in on my own, feeling the music pulse through me and not just relying on watching Meagan instruct us on the next move.  I glanced back to a woman in the back....older....and can I just say she was loving every minute of it.  She closed her eyes, felt the music. I saw her smiling as she moved through the song.  And can you believe she didn't get every step at the right moment.  But boy was she going to enjoy moving her body to the music.  So......new goal.

Let myself go. 

Live in the moment.  Soak in the music.  Be gentler with my thoughts on my body and my ability.  Maybe I should stand where there is no mirror for a while as my confidence builds. However, mirror or not, my next Zumba experience is going to be filled with the mantra, Let Go.

Next,  I must say zumba is a good fit for me.  I look forward to the music, rhythms and the complete thrill that extends to every ounce of my body as I complete a class.  Even better is that I get to share it with Keaton.  As we try to make this journey together it has been difficult to find things that he enjoys doing for exercise.  He looks forward to Zumba.  One song in particular he asks for at each class.  The women are supportive of his efforts.  I considered cancelling his membership there and adding him to mine at Gold's.  However, I thought better on that for one, Gold's is my place, my time.  And once I started attending a few classes with Keaton at Excel, I saw first hand how I could not take him from this community.  So I added me to his membership.  Now we work hard together. The smaller classes, familiar faces, community of love and encouragement are not something I want to give up for me.

So this week

1. keep up with my fitness schedule - no sleeping through morning work outs
2. silence the destructive voices in my head
3. allow myself to move regardless how I perceive I look
4. be gentle with who I am
5. drink lots of water.....water water water

Hope everyone has a great long weekend.  Hoping for lots of opportunity to move my body, stretch to my limits and experience the good all around me.

~Namaste~
Tara

EXCEL...lent

One benefit of my new job is that I can adjust my schedule a little to fit the needs of my family.  Today I worked through my lunch so that I could get off 30 minutes early.  What a difference those 30 minutes made.  By doing so, I was able to pick up Miss O from the sitter's, get home, change my close, pick up Keaton and head over to Excel Weight Loss Solutions for family cardio and strength training class by 5:00. 

It was great.  Did some aerobic exercises.  A little weight lifting.  Ran a few laps down the hall and back and then finished up with 15 minutes of Zumba.  That was when I felt it.  That rush when the endorphins kick in.  For me it is also when the little sting to my eyes is felt and maybe my eyes will fill with tears.  It is a good thing.  It is cleansing.  Invigorating.  Physical pleasure.  I have come to believe it is my body saying, "Thank you!!!  Thank you for caring for me.  Thank you for loving me enough to make me move even when it hurts.  Thank you for pushing me to limits. Thank you."

I haven't been doing so good lately with caring for my body.  Many changes have swooped into my life and while they have all been good, it seems my body is having a hard time adjusting.  The new job is an amazing opportunity for my family in regards to financially and time.  However, with a new job comes that fear of failing, having to learn everything again, being the new person, trying to impress and get to know an entire building full of new people, not feeling completely competent as I learn new programs, eligibility, laws, office dynamics and so forth.  Just figuring out my voice mail took a considerable amount of time.

Next, Camarata singers has started back up.  I am not taking grad classes this semester so it means I can take Tuesday night to sing, sing, sing.  This choir is a stretch to my vocal abilities.  I am not a trained singer, however I love music and what it can do to me.  This choir was part of what saved me a year ago from compete despair and shutdown.  Something about singing classical music is just thrilling (for me anyway).  In church choir of around the piano at home, I am pretty confidant about my ability.  In this setting I am certain at any moment the director will stop the choir and ask just who is making that awful noise.  Then everyone will turn to look at me.  Yet, I love the challenge and being surrounded by such amazing talent.  This season we are preparing a classical piece that we will travel to Montana to sing with another full choir and full symphony.  It is quite the production.  I AM THRILLED TO BE A PART!!!

Next, I have been courted by an amazing man the last 6 weeks.  While this is a wonderful thing, it also brings about changes.  Talking on the phone in the evening instead of browsing weight loss blogs for recipes and motivation.  I have not been writing on any of my blogs.  Eating out has increased for dates.  Rushing rushing rushing on the weekends when he is in town to visit.  Eating though all the emotions I am having.  Happy is a good emotion to eat through.  Not getting to sleep in time so that I am rested to get up at 4:30 in the morning to hit the gym. 

Anyway...all that just to say, I have been in adjustment mode.  Trying to balance (juggle) my role as mother, self, disciple, daughter, sister, employee, girlfriend, friend and so on while meeting my physical, emotional and spiritual needs of myself and those around me.  So tonight I started by going to Excel with Keaton.  I am already starting to feel it in my legs (darn squats).  I am back on track with taking time for me.  Starting to ease into my new job, feeling secure and joyful in my personal relationship, loving my time with my littles, and reminding myself that I am so WORTH IT!!!

Here's to another start!!!!  What a great ride this will be. 

Must Work On Me

This working single momma has a hard time setting aside time for myself.  I need one hour each day.  One hour.  Do I take it from the morning?  Give up my quiet night time?  For a while I was doing quite well getting up at 4:30 a.m. and hitting the gym until 6.  Lately I am struggling just to get up at 6:30 a.m.  Focus Tara!!!  So many changes lately....some really good ones....however, still change.  Everything seems to have to adjust.....stretch, shift and find their place.....so here goes.....NO excuses!!  I am worth one hour a day.