Reflecting on the week it seems impossible we have been through so much in only seven days.
Sunday started with a visit to the gym for a run.
While I was there I had a phone conversation with the woman that placed two Golden Retrievers in my home to foster.
There was a possibility I could keep them. Before my run, I was set on keeping them. After my run, while keeping them was still my desire, I knew it just wasn't the right thing for my family at this time. That night we would be welcoming a new English Pointer puppy to our family. I called the woman back and said we would have the dogs to the airport on Tuesday as arranged. Our foster babies would be flying to a dog rescue on Fort Collins, Colorado. My biggest concern trying to start the dog adoption process when faced with also starting a divorce process simultaneously. I knew it was far more than I could possibly endure at this time.
Monday was a great workout at the gym. My son did cardio machines while I took a class. The gym has become my sanctuary. A mix of emotions are fighting to take over. Gym time keeps them at bay. I can't turn to food. I know that for a moment it may numb my pain. In the end, it will only bring more sadness. Through the trials of the last two weeks I have not binged. I have not purged. I am discouraged. I am afraid. I will not quit. Going into this week, my only desire is to keep moving.
Tuesday morning we drove our foster babies to the airport. This was not easy, for any of us. The kids were strong while we were there. The hour drive home was filled with tears and questions. The best I could give my children was that one of the greatest loves is when we love with everything we have knowing there is a possibility it will have to end or not be returned. As I spoke these words to my children, they were words I needed to hear as well.
This may take forever, so I may hit the highlights.............
Wednesday, my lifelong friend attended my training session with Kort. It was a great session. Amazing to have her with me. Emotionally it was the boost I needed as well.
Thursday started with this surprise breakfast from my son, Keaton. With a day starting like this, how can I not continue to be the best mother I can possibly be?
Thursday was a session with my therapist. The kids and I are doing well. We are moving on, healing. My sessions help me understand....understand me and how to interpret what has happened.
As I came out of my session, I received a wonderful phone call. My dad invited me to attend Second Chance Prom with him, my mother, my sister and brother in law. This was a special mercy in a mess of heartbreak. I have wanted to attend this even for quite a number of years. Kevan and I had planned to go. With him gone, my dad felt it important that I still get to go. (Thanks Dad! I am loved by a King.)
Friday night- zumba with my sister followed by an amazing training session with Kort. Then a little girls night with my daughters. Zumba was tough. I don't know to many people that cry their way through Latin dancing. The dark room, loud music, strong beat....I was swept away. Luckily with the darkness, my tears were hidden. They come when I don't expect them. A baby smiled at me today at church. She looked right at me and with these beautiful blue eyes, her pureness penetrated my soul. Her smile spoke to me. The tears started. Her father gave me a hug. Hugs are good these days. Better than words. Better than hearing how strong I am. Hugs are good.
Saturday- Spinning with my sister,
an afternoon with my girls
followed by a night of dancing with my family at the prom.
Sunday.....my blessed Sunday. This day is the day that fuels me. If I can just make it back to Sunday. I had every intention of sleeping in and taking a rest day from workouts. When I woke up, everything in me shouted hit the gym. It is my drug. It keeps everything in balance. I work out my emotions and then I am better able to care for my family.
With the boys with their dad for the weekend, the girls and I attended church together. This is where I so strongly feel the absence of my husband. Yet, I know it is where I need to be. Tender mercies are found when we do what we know is required. When a sweet sister gave me a hug, she sensed my energy being all a mess. We went into a side room and quickly did some EFT tapping for a while. She tried to clear my energy. Honestly, as "strong" as people think I am, it isn't true. Most days, I am not even sure how I make it from beginning to end. I know I don't do it on my own. I am holding to my recovery. I am allowing friends and family to be more of a support. I am actively working on forgiveness and healing. My daily workouts bring me clarity. I am relying on the grace of God to sustain me. I am taking one day at a time. I am putting one foot in front of the other. No more. No less.
Preparing for bed Sunday night...........boys are home, lunches are made for tomorrow, laundry is all done, alarms are set for early wake up, cuddles and laughs with this girl..........
I understand this may not be a typical blog post. It may not even be very coherent. Right now, life isn't making the most sense. I guess that is reflected in my posts. :) This blog is to share this journey not only with you but also with my children and for me to return to at a later time to see how far we have come. Right now, things are tough. Right now we are pushing through. I can't hide it. It is just as much a part of the journey as the great times. Hope that makes sense.
Wishing everyone a great week. While it may have some downs, choose to savor the ups.
Remember.....one day at a time.