Overall, I do know, without a doubt, that I am blessed beyond measure. It is certainly a conscious choice to start each day with an attitude of gratitude. Even though my deepest desire is to be home with my children, I thank my Heavenly Father for a profession I love, co-workers I enjoy to spend my days with and the ability to serve the public every day. I thank my Heavenly Father for healthy happy children that know how to help so we can all get out the door on time. As I drive Olaya to the sitter each day, I pray she will know I love her. I pray she will grow up knowing her mother worked hard to provide a better life for her and will understand drive and determination. Most of all, I extend a prayer to LesLee a trusted child care provider that makes the separation easier. I know when I place Olaya in her arms, Olaya will be loved and cared for. Of this I have no doubt.
So where is my happiness? It is within me. It is a choice. A choice I make every day (some better than others, I admit). There are days, like today, when I am blindsided with news that sends me into a panic. Feeling physically sick to my stomach dominated my afternoon. I fought back tears as I struggled to keep a smile on my face. However, after I worked through this event I realized I had a choice to make. Sit home and be sad this evening or take my kids to dinner to celebrate the love I have in them. (I know, I used food to create an environment where I felt safe and could enjoy my children….on the other hand….I was emotionally and physically exhausted….there was no way I was going to come home and cook dinner.) So off we went. I felt better. The kids and I visited. We had wings at Wingers. Which I do say wasn't horribly bad.
Today I had a Bodywise Protein shake for breakfast, during lunch break went tanning (great for fighting off depression), for afternoon snack had cottage cheese, sugar free bread and butter pickles and a hard-boiled egg. At Wingers, I asked for the wings with no sauce and then I pulled most of the fried skin off before I ate. Coincidentally, I didn't eat very much because Olaya needed me to hold her while she ate.
So now as I prepare for bed I just want to say, I make it happen. I decide to be happy each and every day. I decide to make the changes I need to see the results I want to see. I get out of bed at 4:30 in the morning when my bed is trying to hold me in, wrapping me in warmth and saying, "you will be much happier staying here with me." That said….I better get to sleep so that my blankets don't hold me down in the morning.
Today I was down 1 lb. We did treadmill and recumbent bike for 30 minutes and then lower body exercises on the machines for 30 min.