Celebrate

I am beginning to think my body is comfortable at my current weight.  Although I am happy with losing 7 lbs in the last 17 days (6 was from vacation), I have been at my current weight of 256 for the last week.  I know.  I know.  Be patient.  I didn't gain it in one day, it won't come off in one day.  However, there are times I find myself wishing it did.  Even a few ounces.  A pound. 

I read blogs every day on fitness and weight loss.  Most having a weekly weigh in, where they describe their food and exercise for the week and then post their results.....as I have done when I can get my behind to my computer more regularly.  This last week as I struggled with no loss (YEAH no gain), I watched blogger after blogger post loss after loss.  UGH.

My workouts are good.  I have done something basically 6 days a week.  Trying to keep the workouts different and intense.  This last week I added box aerobics and Muay Thay cardio.  I have stayed with abstinence and recover,y avoiding wheat and sugar if I have any control over it.  I feel good.  I feel great in fact.  And yes, I recognize that is a non scale victory right there.

So, with my kids away today and my 40 hours of work completed by 2:30 this afternoon, I called up my friend Dianna at my favorite spa and treated myself to a little something. 



First a Pedicure

Followed by a Manicure

It has been a long week.  With the pressure from work, my kids being gone, my family up camping and all the other stress of life, not to long ago, this would have been a week for me to binge and binge often. 

Not anymore.  Today is day 17 of abstinence and I don't take that number lightly.  With each day, I grow closer to my goal.  With each day I see more clearly.  With each day I want to fight harder. 90 days is possible.....6 months is possible...God willing.....a year is possible.  One day is possible.  For now, my goal is one day. With one day, I can do the impossible.  All I work at is today.

So, even though the scale has not budged in over a week, I have something to celebrate.  This week, I honored my body.  That deserves a WOOT! WOOT! and a little pampering.

How do you celebrate your non scale victories and honor your body even when life is hard? 

Growth

Sunday I did something that even I didn't see coming.  This momma suggested her girls stay with their dad for a week, 6 hours away from me with their dad. 

Let me explain.  My girls have never had an overnight with their dad (long story).  Now that some circumstances have changed......ultimately it comes down to this...  One day, in the future, my daughters will look at me. They will hug me and with tears in their eyes, they will either accuse me of being the reason they never knew their father or they will thank me for doing everything possible to encourage a relationship with their dad and sister.  I chose the second option.

So with sadness and joy, during a visit from their dad, I offered him the opportunity to take the girls back to his home in another state for a week.  He was overjoyed at the suggestion.  Within 12 hours my girls were packed and headed to a destination 6 hours away where I can not sing them to bed, kiss little Olaya's every bump away and hold my Bella ever so close.

Overall, I knew this was the right thing to do.  Knowing it would hurt didn't hinder my decision.  Yet, I didn't know exactly how painful and empowering it would feel, at the same time.

This is the first.....FIRST time I have no kids home.  Sure they have spent the night away.  But this, this is different.  My boys are with their dad for a week.  The girls are with their dad for a week.  This momma has had the evenings to myself for almost an entire week so far. 

STRUGGLES:
Right after the girls left with their dad Sunday evening (just for the evening), after I suggested he take them for the week, I wanted to eat.  I wanted to physically hurt from eating.  I wanted to visit every fast food place I could and eat nothing but comfort foods that could dull my pain (in a way). 

Instead I meditated.  I talked with friends.  I watched some tv shows I have wanted to catch up on. 

Second hard part came yesterday during all the festivities.  A dear friend offered to let me spend the day with him, his kids and his extended family.  The day was uncomfortable for me.  What does a woman do at parades and BBQ's when they don't have children to keep an eye on, entertain of chase?  Not sure how it happened but I ended up talking with all the guys....not that way.  I am guessing since all the sisters and sister in laws see their men all the time they wanted to visit and chat with each other.  I, on the other hand, didn't really know any of them so I stayed pretty close to my friend who was also pretty close to all the other men at the events.  You know.  You have seen it.  All the women are on one side of the yard/room/dance floor and all the men are on the other.  Sort of the same thing.  Only I was over on the "other side".  It was a fun time.  I got some great mortgage shopping advice and had the most awesome grilled steak.

The pain came that night during fireworks.  I can not describe the pain I felt as we prepared to go to the hill to set up our spot to watch from.  I physically ached for my girls.....for my boys as well but I have been doing the "every other holiday" for almost 10 years.  As the fireworks went off, I could see their beauty and hear the patriotic music playing but I was feeling pretty numb.  My arms ached to feel my girls wrapped snuggly up to me.  However, I got through it.  Good friends understand when they just need to let you cry. 

I am grateful the girls are having an amazing time with their dad, his wife and their new sister.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  My desire IS for them to grow in a relationship with all of them.  To come home with an abundance of memories and a desire for more. I am grateful for this time alone (wow, who said that?)  It is nice to read when I want.  Go to bed when I want.  Sleep with no kids in my bed.  Soak in the tub without barbie joining me.  I don't want it for much longer, but it has been a little break for me.

On the flip side....I want them with me.  I don't want to know that someone else is kissing their owies, reading them bed time stories or playing at the pool with them.  I don't want to hurt when they are away.  I don't want to be forgotten, replaced.  I want to be the mother that can give them everything they can possible need.

See the struggle.  I rejoice in this time they have with their dad and I also struggle to breathe while they are away.

That said, I was somehow able to give this pain to my Heavenly Father.  I have stayed busy with good things for my body.  I have fed it with clean whole foods and have continued to exercise daily.  The pain of them being gone is enough.  I do not want to add guilt and shame to my list of pains right now.  Nor do I want to break abstinence.  I am at day 16.  Feeling good.  No chocolate bar is worth losing that many days or the  joy of hitting my 90 day mark. 

So there you have it.  This week has been a week of growth.  I have made good choices even when a pint of chocolate brownie ice cream would have felt good to drown my sorrows in.  A new chapter is starting for my girls, and me. 

Two days and they are home.

What A Day

The easiest way to describe my day yesterday would be to list each item out

• 8 a.m. walk/run up City Creek with my dog, 3 miles
• 9 a.m. hand wash suburban
• 9:45 a.m. pick up bountiful basket
• 9:55 home to bathe Olaya get her breakfast and off to gym
• 10:10 Training center for one hour of box aerobics (first time for me)- trained with a world champion boxer and a MMA fighter helped out and trained as well
• 11:40 home to drop off Olaya
• 12:00 OA meeting ----LOVE IT!!  NEEDED IT!!!
• 1:30 home to get ready
• 3:00 Off to go 4 wheeling
• 9:00 off the mountain and 4 wheelers put away, then to get girls from my parents
• 10:30 dinner
• 11:00 marathon of 3 episodes of Modern Family to wind down the day

Photo from work this week

Getting ready to hit the trails

Rescue Mission - We found this beautiful creature 7 miles in



Got to try my hand at shooting

Not to bad-what do you think?

Packing her out

Saturday was fabulous.  Did many things that were great for my mind, body and spirit. 



Update:7/5/12 Owners were found.  I sure enjoyed her the last five days.  Thinking a Golden Retriever is in my future.  :)

Real Fast

(Took FOREVER for the pics to load...have to finish later)

We made it back from vacation.  Everyone had an exceptional time.  We saw good friends, ate good food, loved on family and fed some dolphins while we were at it.  Vacation was good.  Not so much for my weight but certainly for my mental health.

As far as numbers, I gained 6.....yes, 6 pounds over an 11 day period (6 of that was driving across the country).  However, once we got back I started back on plan and have been feeling better than ever.  I have managed to be abstient (no wheat, no sugar) since Wednesday and I lost 1 lb each day, weighing in today at 259 (my lowest before vacation was 256).

So now that the numbers are out of the way, I just want to share that I met with my therapist on Wednesday.  He gave me some tough stuff to think about and prepare to work on.  Much of his direction is having to do with acceptance and finding serenity in the place I am in my life.  This session was good.  He called my bluff on how "great" I am doing after my recent relationship end.  Seems I need to live in the pain for a bit before I blow past it.  I get it.  Although my idea is why live in it.....move on.

That said....my way hasn't been the best thus far so I am trying it his way.

Lots to do today......
already did my 3 mile City Creek hike.
Clean house
OA meeting
Load up my littles and go to Jensen's Grove
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat tonight

but before I go, just a few pics of the people we saw along the way.

  

Hey, Fat Girl

I stumbled upon this blog...Flintland.blogspot.com.....WOW.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Hey, Fat Girl.........Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome. (To continue reading)

 

 

 

Saved from pinterest found here

This is why I blog.  The person that wrote that post does not know me.  Yet, their words, their experience has touched me.  Maybe, just maybe, I can do the same.

Week Wrap Up - Looking Ahead

Saturday plans actually began Friday night when I ran into my MIA workout buddy Avril, at the movie theatre.  Unfortunately for her she was two rows in front of me and she found popcorn in her hair (no idea how that happened).

She text asking what I was doing on Saturday and we decided to go for a nice long walk.  I have truly been missing my friend.  At 8 a.m. we ventured off to the trail I usually hike on Saturday.  With some big race going on we opted to hit Sacajawea Park (runs along the river) and do our walk there.  It is different with the weather warming up.  At a brisk walk I was feeling the perspiration form. 

After the walk, I kidnapped Avril to my bountiful basket pick up.  We were there early, the site was running late getting all the produce divided in the baskets so we got to volunteer.  Our job was to pass out 7 boxes of oranges between 70 baskets.  Fun times. 

Avril (in brown top/black pants) for her next participant

Some of the many baskets waiting for pick up

Yes, that would be me and my best little helper transferring fruit for a participant
 (for all the flattering pics I guess a few not so great one have to be posted)

Once home from that little adventure, it was meet with maintenance guy for my home and then get ready for my regular OA meeting.

The meeting was great.  Four of us were there.  I always come away from my meetings filled with hope.  One of my lifelong friends received her 60 day coin and at 32 lbs lost.  Could not be more proud of her.  She has taken her eating plan and made it a part of her life.  no questions asked.  Previously I had made it to day 34.....today I am on day 7.  I will get there.

From there I picked up my girls and we headed to the park to celebrate my nephews 9th birthday.  We played water balloon volleyball (I sat out for that with Olaya) and then regular volleyball.  Not being a very athletic person, volleyball is a sport I can play.  It felt good being out there playing.  I prepared for the party by bringing a bowl of berries and grapes.  When the cake and ice cream portion of the party began, I just nibbled on my berries and enjoyed talking and visiting with everyone.  No anxiety.  It was great.

After the party I did some retail therapy (split from someone special is settling in).  Bath and Body is going to be my downfall.  How do you pass up buy three get three free plus a $10 off coupon.  I did it twice.  If that wasn't enough damage, the girls and I splurged on jewelry at Claire's.  Somehow I walked out with a receipt for $94, two bags filled with treasures for us three and a surprised look on my face.  How did I do that?  However, now I have many new choices for the upcoming work trip and the family vacation after that.

The rest of the day was devoted to time with my girls.  We rented a few movies.  Got them Panda Express.  I had chicken/lettuce wraps. Gathered on my bed with the nail polish basket. We watched movies, painted fingers and toes and just relaxed the night away.

Goal check in:

• Attend minimum of three (shooting for five) early morning workouts at Gold's: I made four gym classes, two body pump, one body combat and one yoga, had to go in the evening due to the boys being at their dad's.....won't leave the girls that early in the morning 
• Attend body combat once during the week (evening class) : check accomplished 
• Drink gallon of water a day : No go.  not even close
• Walk a minimum of 15 miles this week -translation 5, 3 miles walks : ROCKED THIS ONE...not only did I do 15, I did 18
• Eat all my vegetables in my plan :check accomplished
• Meditate for 10 minutes every day (this one will be hard) : Check...hard to settle down for 10 minutes but I did it every night
• Not act out with food or other behaviors when things get hard : accomplished, 100% on food plan, did not act out  in other ways, buried myself in fitness goals instead 
• To bed before 9:30 every night (in order to make my 4:30 wake up) :didn't happen, but since I wasn't getting up for early workouts it wasn't a priority

New Goals:
Will be traveling the next two weeks, first for work and then for pleasure
Plan, Plan, Plan is my goal.  I already know the food served at the work trip will be completely off my plan.  Three cheers for asking for a menu from the planners so I know what to prepare for.  There is not a Gold's gym in Boise (BUMMER).  Luckily the hotel sits right along the river so I should be able to go walking/running every day.  I may have to do it in the early morning and then again at night.

• Stay 100% on food plan
• log minimum of 15 miles, continue running
• water water water
• not gain weight while on work trip, not worrying about losing, just no gain

I am struggling emotionally.  As much as I try to distract myself, I am feeling lonely, vulnerable and unsettled.  For the last six weeks I have been able to share my success and challenges with someone special.  When I had a high, I knew I could share it with him.  When I hit a low, I knew he would buoy me up.  I felt needed when I was able to do the same for him.  With both of us in recovery it was bound to happen.  That said.....it was real for me.  The friendship.  The trust.  The hope.  Those things were all real.  For a time I have thought, I just can't go through it again.  I don't want to open myself up to yet another person.  I don't want to share my stories.  I don't want to trust another.  I don't want to make someone a part of my life only to have it end.

Then I remember, this journey is not to be made alone.  One day, when I am healthy, strong and confident, there will be someone there to be all that I need. This relationship did show me that there is hope.  Hope for someone that is a match for me.  Accepts me for who I am.  Loves me for who I am and where my goals will take me.  This relationship taught me I don't have to settle.  For these things I am grateful.

I approached the relationship with the same approach I have to recovery.  Take one day at a time.  I thought to myself, do no harm, enjoy the moment and have no regrets.  I did that.  I have no regrets that way.

Maybe, maybe one day, when I am able to accept it, there will be someone just for me.

So I guess this means I am free to date again.

Found here

Happy Sunday everyone!!!  I have lots to do in the way of church, family birthday party and pack for Boise.  My boys are home overnight so they can get packed for the family trip.  I am happy to have them home.  Life is always better when I have all my littles close.
 


Found this on pinterest, I don't have the link (sorry blog police)



Cloak of Darkness

In the darkness I took my fist steps.  Music pumping in my ears.  Dog by my side.  No one else on the track.  I started out.  One walking lap to warm up at first.  The idea was to use Friday as a measuring stick.  I was to run without direction from my 5K trainer app.  Just run.  Run as far as I could with out stopping.  Then next week, after training more, try it again. 

Honestly, I thought I would stop after the first lap.  To date, the longest I have ran was for 1.5 minutes at a time and even that was difficult.  With the darkness hiding me from ....well....everything and everyone, I began.  My run is slow.  Possibly slower than most people walking.  I dont' care.  I was running.  Not because my app told me to.  Not because the person next to me was running (there wasn't anyone there).  I ran because I told my body to do it.

I got around the first lap and was ready to walk again when I thought just keep going.  One lap alone would have been an accomplishment.  I could have gone home happy just for that. Then I told myself to  see how far I can get before I quit.  As I neared the end of running the second lap (third lap total) I thought, well, might as well keep on going and complete a mile including the walking lap.  Then, as I finished running my third lap I thought if I did one. more. lap. I would have ran a full mile.  I continued. 

I don't really know how I did it.  Why was running only two days before difficult after only 90 seconds?  Why was I able to do it hidden from the world?  After I completed the first mile of running (5 laps total), I walked one full lap.  Then I ran four laps, walked one and finished with a two lap finish to the end.  I could have kept going.  During the last two laps "Without You" started playing on my headphones.  How INSPIRED!

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I
Without you
Without you
Oh, oh, oh!
You! You! You!
WithoutYou! 
You! You!
Without you
Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you
I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you
Without you
Oh, oh, oh!
You! You! You!
WithoutYou! 
You! You!
Without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without you

As I pushed through the final two laps, these words resonated with me as I gave thanks to Him for always being by my side.  He has never abandoned me.  In the moments I feel completely unlovable, unworthy and broken, He has been steadfast.  He is there when I feel strong, peaceful and capable. 

I felt so good finishing three miles that I did one extra lap for good measure.

When it was all done I thought of who I wanted to share my success with.  Who would cheer me on?  Here I am, telling you, a faceless reader that someone stumbled on this page.  I don't know who you are or why you are here.  I do know we all have little victories every day.  Each one of us needs a cheering section.  Someone to whom we can say, "Hey, look at me, I count.  Look what I did!!!  Love me!"  So whoever you are, thank you.  I may never get to put a face to you, but I know you are there.  I know we are all in this together.  We make this journey side by side with more similarities than there are differences.

What joys do you want to celebrate today?  What pieces of your life do you want someone to hold you through?

I am here.

WOO HOO to non scale victories!!!