Thursday, July 26, 2012

What to Blog?

I was all prepared to blog about how at 11:45 p.m. last night, I found myself making friends with two, count them two, orange flavored Hostess cupcakes, a peanut butter sandwich and a ham sandwich (cause the peanut butter was so good and the bread was moist and engaging).  I was prepared to blog about falling asleep angry, sad and disappointed in my failure after eating clean and working hard all day.  I was prepared to blog about my 37 birthday coming up in exactly one week from today and how it SUCKS to know I will be spending it alone.  I was prepared to blog about aching all day for arms wrapping around me and a voice telling me all will be well.  I was prepared to blog about failure, resentment and sadness.

Now, after an amazing yoga session, I don't want to continue with all that negative stuff.  I want to talk about forgiveness and perspective.  While I ALMOST went to bed with no guilt or shame, I am still a good person.  I still have qualities worth loving.  While I went to bed with a full tummy, I did not hurt by body even further by purging once I completed my binge.  Today, I woke up ready to be good to me.  Hurting.....but ready to start again.

When I put the calories from the full day in perspective, I was not incredibly overboard.  Breakfast was a string cheese and grapes.  Lunch was tuna fish and salad greens. Snack was steamed vegetables.  Dinner was baked salmon and an ear of red corn (yes a starch but extra protein).  The bread from my midnight snack was wholegrain and only 52 calories a slice.  I ended up with four.  Had 2 teaspoons of peanut butter and two slices of lean ham.  The bad comes from the hostess orange cupcake....twice.  I have not calculated the total calories but I am pretty sure my damage was not that excessive. 

The issue comes from the time I did it.  Midnight.  Really???  The final hour.  I had almost made it through a day.  I was ready to rest and put the day to sleep.

Ready for third person......I think Tara is dealing with some pretty intense feelings of loneliness right now.  While on a day in, day out basis, she is rocking being a single working mother of four, there are moments when even she questions everything.....and I mean everything around her.  Good thing for a visit to her therapist scheduled for in the morning.

Back to first person.....I am grateful for friends that feel my struggle without even seeing me.  You know who are.  Thank you for showing concern and helping me work through it.  Grateful for friends that keep tabs on me through FB and send little text messages to touch base.  Even better when they use my own words of support and strength on me.  Grateful for a perfect stranger posting a picture on FB that brought me peace. 

I am blessed.  Do I have tough days.  HELL YES!!!! (sorry for the profanity)  Do I feel success almost in my grasp and do something to sabotage it.....more often than I care to admit. 

After work I gathered up my littles and hustled over to the gym.  I live for yoga Thursday. Although it is an intense, challenging workout, it is gentler on my mind, body and spirit.  After class I felt lighter.  Happier.  Forgiven.

So to wrap things up.....these things were good for me today.  I hope something here is good for you.

Sweating Until Happy posted this on FB

Sophia posted on FB

Looked out my office window to see my boys
 riding bikes to their grandma's house

A friend reminded me to "Be Still"

Same friend reminded me of a place I went to find peace

Yoga session ....Miss Olaya joined me for corpse pose
I didn't get a copy of a beautiful post my friend Kathy sent to me.

Today I renewed my commitment to be good to my body in every way.  I ate clean and on plan.  I honored my body with yoga.  I quited the negative thoughts.  This day was rough, at times.  I think I made it though pretty well.

Tomorrow I leave for a weekend trip to one of my most favorite places on earth.  Planning for lots of floating the river and just taking it all in.

1 comment:

  1. You're amazing, lady! Tell me sometime about yoga... I'm hearing wonderful things about lowering stress levels, etc...