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Over the last few days I have been asking myself how it is I have been able to stick to my "diet" this go round. (I don't actually call it a diet.) As I put day 27 to rest, I am filled with gratitude knowing my ever elusive goal is one day closer.
Today in OA was a workbook day. As I worked on my answer, I began to understand, or at least one reason, how this journey is finally making progress. In the past, every attempt to lose weight was an act of terror upon my psyche and my body. Harsh criticism, strict rules and high expectations inevitably led to even higher weight, lower self-esteem and even greater shame in my body and my ability to form a healthy relationship with food.
Statements such as, "You just don't want it enough." or "You have to learn discipline and pain." Every effort was restrictive, negative and self-defeating. Today, what is the difference? For today, I chose to love who I am. I am in love with the body my Father in Heaven has given me. It does every thing I ask of it. I am using food as a way to fuel my body only. I am listening to what my body is asking for and I genuinely try to respond with love and kindness. The foods on my meal plan provide all the nutrients I need to sustain and thrive. The difference is that instead of being ashamed and harsh with myself only allowing the love I needed after I reached my goal, I am loving who I am today and the "goal" is working itself out.
Emotionally, I am seeking support, peace, joy, pleasure and so on, though healthy supportive relationships with people I care for and most importantly that want only the best for me. Ultimately I am placing my faith and belief in my Father in Heaven. I am confident he will sustain me and bring me all that I need, in his time. Admittedly this approach is scary at times. There are moments I fear my Father will abandon me. I do fear I will face a struggle ahead that seems to great and I will find myself numbing with food. I do fear my love is not enough even to heal my own body. However, that is not a worry today. The today I live in provides me support and strength. Today encourages me get through just one more day.....just one more day. Today I am discovering new joys, learning more about me, loving my children and encouraging new adventures.
What has brought you success in your journey? What changes have you made that seemed to make all the difference?