Stress and returning to old comforts sent my thoughts to the food. This week I have been feeling very lonely. This loneliness is the kind that makes me physically ache. Surprisingly it is not for a person. At least that is what I tell myself. I have been missing my friend. My constant companion. As I have been shifting my coping mechanisms to meditation, music, exercise, my children.....I have been feeling this gap grow between me and my food. Am I crazy to miss it? Should be silly right. Who misses brownies? Who climbs in bed and just wishes to be able to commune with a glass of milk and a stack of Oreo cookies. Or even "healthy" food like my bowl of raspberries and milk that makes me feel close to my grandmother. The fact that I am missing food makes me see how dysfunctional food has been in my life. Food has been there when I was in labor with Olaya. As my support women came to my home, they brought cinnamon rolls, fruit smoothies and chocolate. After Olaya cam,e we were blessed with meals to sustain us as I was so connected to loving on baby. Food has kept me alert though the night as I prepared semester end papers, wrote a talk, worked on special gifts for the kids and so forth. Food is where dates take me so we can talk as we eat and get to know each other. The kids get good grades and they get pizza hut, Pizza Pie Cafe and Texas Roadhouse meal coupons. A loving friend brought pints of chocolate chocolate chocolate ice cream when I was told I was not chosen to be Belle's mother and she would be taken to Tennessee to live with strangers (luckily we know that didn't last and I am and will always belong to Belle). I could go on. Every event in my life, this friend, this constant, has been present.
So not only has my physical body been cleansing out from the sugar, my emotional self has been experiencing detox withdrawals as well. These withdrawals have been more painful than the other. Friday night it was coming on very strong. I had done my conference presentation (successfully) that day. I don't know how others are but after a big event is over there is a emotional crash of sorts. I always feel this after Christmas. Anyway, I didn't have food to celebrate (or anyone else significant for that matter) the emotional rush and crash with. Luckily I happened to be talking to my angel mother on the phone regarding the next days events (Belle had a dance competition and I had this conference continuing). As we spoke, I am sure it was clear to her that I was struggling. She volunteered to come spend the night with me so she could be here early to help with Belle. However, the true blessing was that I had her to sleep with that night (king bed so plenty of room). With my constant friend gone, I needed someone to hold. She got me though the night. I sleep with Olaya in my arms. Yet, knowing mom was close enough to touch was enough to keep me calm.
Saturday I was able to get to my OA meeting. There my feelings were shared and validated. They to knew what I was experiencing. HOME. They reminded me to call. Just call TARA!!! They tell me no need to suffer through it all alone. This week I am going to be more conscious of when I need to reach out and act on those promptings.
I have learned a great deal this week. It was tough but I got through it without a binge or turning to my trigger foods. I know this journey to recovery is going to be long and painful. I haven't even got to the hard stuff. However, I am confident I have the people around me that want my success and will do every thing they can to help me get there.
Things to do this week:
- Lean on my OA support team by calling when I am feeling the food thoughts coming
- Get out for just a walk around the block in the evening to get away from household stress
- PRAY
Day 14........and already such an adventure.
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