It sent me to a time when every day was anxious fear waiting for the next phone call detailing the actions of someone I loved. I left that relationship when I could no longer trust and when the lies and deceit were not what I wanted my young boys to model as they grew.
Out of respect for my children, I won't go into the struggle they are facing right now. Yet, I have to share that in my struggle to find the best way to process the situation, I was somehow able to stay out of the food. Traditionally my way to work through EVERY emotion is to eat. I eat my way through happy, through celebration, through devastation, through sadness. Give me an emotion and I am sure I have eaten my way through it.
Last night I first felt anger. I felt fear. I felt old emotions that I tuck away from the world, from me regarding a time so long ago. I felt fear. Fear that stops you. A fear that makes me question everything I am doing. A fear that makes me want to run. I ran back then. I was not strong enough to face the chaos and disappointment this person brought to our lives no matter how many times we met with counselors or our Bishop or how strong a dose of anti-depressants the Dr. gave me. I chose to leave instead. I can not make that decision now. These are my babies. Every breathe I take is for them.
I am not so much afraid or angry for what they have done to me......that was always my prime concern way back then. Now, I fear for them. I fear the choices they make today will set them down a path that can only bring sorrow and pain upon themselves.
After the fear subsided, as my mind cleared, thoughts turned to the growth they/I can find through this experience. Initially, they both made a bad choice. Yet, they were honest when confronted about it and want to account for their actions. Then comes peace. A peace that only the light of my Savior can bring. A knowledge that this is not the end. This was just a moment. They are my babies. Recognizing they will have to make mistakes as they grow is not easy for a mother to sit back and watch. I want to direct them. Protect them.
Through all of that last night, while all those emotions were spinning, the good and the bad, I kept feeling a desire to turn to the food. It pulled so strong. I just kept thinking I could feed the pain I am feeling right now. I can eat until I go numb.
Yesterday made four days of abstinence. Instead of retreating to the food, I gathered up Olaya, sang and played with her while she bathed. I sat on my bed in meditation for a few short minutes. I counted. I counted my blessings. I reminded myself of the words I have learned the last few weeks. The comment my trusted friend text me the previous day of her worth and mine. Then I reminded myself that no matter what events happen in a day, I was going to rest my head on the pillow with no guilt or shame regarding my food intake. I pondered the food would only cause me pain in the end and right now I had enough of that to work through already.
I spoke to my mom on the phone briefly and then after the kids went to bed, I took some time and chatted with a friend. We discussed the events of the night but then moved on to regular every day stuff, not allowing this one little thing to control my thoughts.
Then, this morning, even after my workout buddy was not able to make our workout, I pushed though and went to the gym. And that was after searching for my keys forever in the house, only to find them outside in the ignition of my unlocked suburban. (I must have been in a fog last night when I got home).
It is always hard for me to venture to the gym along. However, today it was blessing. I was able to crank up my headphones and just fight through all the yuckiness of the night before.
As of this morning, I can safely say, I am down 3lbs. I didn't weigh on Monday, so it could actually be slightly more. As I look to day 5 of abstinence, I hope to continue to draw strength from somewhere deep inside. I am worth this. I am doing it for me........and I am doing it for my children.
Hopefully next week I will start taking weekly photos of my progress. Not exactly ready for that quite yet.
Have a great Friday.
Picture found on pinterest here.