Beautiful Heartbreak

I keep starting a paragraph to lead into this song.  I keep erasing it.  I don't think the words need a lead in.  They say it all.

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

This is where my heart is today.  I plan to take a hike along my favorite local trail, attend church and just be present in the now.  I continue to love the people I love and be gentle with myself.

Happy Sunday everyone!!!  This is my favorite day of the week.

Aha Moment

pic found here

Over the last few days I have been asking myself how it is I have been able to stick to my "diet" this go round. (I don't actually call it a diet.)  As I put day 27 to rest, I am filled with gratitude knowing my ever elusive goal is one day closer.

Today in OA was a workbook day.  As I worked on my answer, I began to understand, or at least one reason, how this journey is finally making progress.  In the past, every attempt to lose weight was an act of terror upon my psyche and my body.  Harsh criticism, strict rules and high expectations inevitably led to even higher weight, lower self-esteem and even greater shame in my body and my ability to form a healthy relationship with food. 

Statements such as, "You just don't want it enough." or "You have to learn discipline and pain."  Every effort was restrictive, negative and self-defeating.  Today, what is the difference?  For today, I chose to love who I am.  I am in love with the body my Father in Heaven has given me.  It does every thing I ask of it.  I am using food as a way to fuel my body only.  I am listening to what my body is asking for and I genuinely try to respond with love and kindness.  The foods on my meal plan provide all the nutrients I need to sustain and thrive.  The difference is that instead of being ashamed and harsh with myself only allowing the love I needed after I reached my goal, I am loving who I am today and the "goal" is working itself out. 

Emotionally, I am seeking support, peace, joy, pleasure and so on, though healthy supportive relationships with people I care for and most importantly that want only the best for me. Ultimately I am placing my faith and belief in my Father in Heaven.  I am confident he will sustain me and bring me all that I need, in his time.  Admittedly this approach is scary at times.  There are moments I fear my Father will abandon me.  I do fear I will face a struggle ahead that seems to great and I will find myself numbing with food.  I do fear my love is not enough even to heal my own body.  However, that is not a worry today.  The today I live in provides me support and strength.  Today encourages me get through just one more day.....just one more day.  Today I am discovering new joys,  learning more about me, loving my children and encouraging new adventures.

What has brought you success in your journey?  What changes have you made that seemed to make all the difference?

Love Tara!!

Weigh In Wednesday

Anxious for my results, I flew out of bed the moment my alarm clock went off this morning. Considering my lack of sleep the last few days, this surprises even me.  I won't hide it.  I am thrilled with the results of my efforts.  So without stalling......

Since starting abstinence 24 days ago,

Starting weight: April 1: 274

Today's weight: April 25:  258.......16 lbs in 24 days

Since my highest in February......279.......down 21 lbs total.

Now for the rest of the story.

These past few weeks have felt like a dream.....in many ways.  However, it has not come without a price.  Has it been hard......oh hell (sorry) yes.  Have I wanted to give up?  Yes, Yes.  Have I longed for things I could not have?  Yes, Yes, Yes.  Have those moments passed?  Yes.  Have I had to run from break room treats, be late to family gatherings, arriving only after the food rush has settled, physically stop myself from eating sugar snacks at trainings and have I gone to bed sad, aching for my friend?

On the other hand, finding new ways to love those around me is an adventure.  Taking long walks gives the kids and I opportunities to laugh, talk and play.  Sharing time with people without food allows for more talking.  My health is improved.  We are moving more, loving more and listening more.  With my thoughts not constantly tied up in food, with time not taken up figuring ways I can hide what I am eating and an inner desire to allow myself this success, I am watching a dream unfold.

My professional life is good.  My home life is good.  My spiritual life is good.  My physical body is good.  My personal relationship is good. 

Milk still spills.  Kids still talk back.  Diapers still need changed. Garbage still needs taken out.  Socks still need sorted.  Bills still need paid.  Dog still has accidents in my home.  Kids still make mistakes. Bathroom sink still does not work.  Glass in window needs replaced.  Bunk bed needs worked on. Garage needs cleaned out.  Weeds need pulled.  Flowers need planted. I still go to bed hoping that one day I won't be alone.  I still have moments of fear.  I still have moments I feel lost, unlovable, inadequate.

But for today.....I choose to focus on the good. To be present in the moment. To take the good with the bad.  To celebrate my success and be gentle with my shortcomings.  To recognize my Heavenly Father in all things.  To be honest with myself first.  To love me, flaws and all.  To continue taking it one day at a time.  To continue fueling my body with what it needs.  To continue to develop relationships with those that want only for my success.

Happy Wednesday!!!!!

Thanks for the private emails and text messages.  Support is very helpful.  I encourage you to leave a message here for others that may learn and grow from your words and especially for me.  To read your thoughts is fueling!!!!

Love,

Tara

P.S.  Off to ZUMBA with my new workout friend.  Wish me luck.  Not one of my finest moments.

 

Day 24 of abstinence from trigger foods -no wheat, no sugar

For Today

For today:  In conscious contact with God, I easily face what I cannot bear to look at otherwise.

This morning I am making a more conscious effort to fully experience my moments of solitude.  Solitude is typically a time when I have become uncomfortable with my thoughts, me fears and at times, the very person I am.  Solitude is not something I fins myself in often.  With my children, work, and home every minute of the day can fill before I know it.  Solitude is something I have to seek.  Through my recovery, I am learning that solitude is a time to work through my fears, claim my status as a survivor and explore who I am void of all outside pressures and influences. 

Today I am dedicating 20 minutes to this effort through active meditation.  I can say I am excited to have this time with myself.

What are you doing today to be good to yourself?  Exercise? Meditation?  A special treat at the spa? Reading a good book?  A favorite piece of chocolate?  What do you do to come to know yourself better?

Weekends

Just a quick thought.....have to get ready for church.  Since starting abstinence (not eating my trigger foods and following my meal plan), 21 days ago, I have been able to make it through the weekends without sabotaging the work I did through the week.  I have not been able to lose any weight through the weekend.  Looks like this weekend I will break that pattern.

Grateful for the support I have found in OA.  A few weeks ago a member from group came up to me after the meeting. He told me that I didn't need to make this journey alone.  He told me to reach out and share my burden with the others. (Don't think he realized what he was setting in motion.)  This last week, starting Monday, I reached out.  Following his advice has made all the difference.  I connected with three members from group Friday.  Not only me reaching out to them, they are reaching out to me.  Through our shared weakness, our shared desire to overcome our addiction and a dedication to support each other through recovery, my/our goals are reachable.  Not only do I have restored faith in my ability to succeed, I am witness that it happens.  Every day, in small and simple ways, my life, my heart, my journey is changing.  Building relationships, fully loving myself, sharing the message of recovery are primary.  The number on the scale has become a secondary benefit.  Truly amazing discoveries along this journey.....and it has only begun.

Today and always, my blessings are beyond measure.

Happy Sunday!!  I love this day.



Friday- Day 19 of Abstinence - First day I can notice a visible change in my reflection.

Weigh In Wednesday

Deciding I needed a consistent day to post my weight, Wednesday seemed like a good one.  I can't begin to express all the changes that I have experienced the last 17 days.  To me, the daily changes seem almost insignificant.  I see the scale moving but nothing I can see in the mirror.... yet.  Clothes are fitting a little better but that could be cause they weren't dried in the dryer as long.  :)  Yet, the other day at work, a co-worker saw me (hadn't been in the office for a week) and blurted out I looked great and he could tell I was losing weight.  *BLUSH*  Although I am not seeing it in my reflection quite yet, I am confidant it will happen.

Benefits that I am seeing:

1. my thoughts are not constantly filled with ideas of food - what will I eat next, when will I eat, should I eat, should I not eat, what are they eating, why didn't I eat that, and on and on....
2. my appetite has gone down - not sure why that is except that the longer I go without wheat and sugar the lower my cravings for them become
3. I am eating all day.....I do not limit the quantities I eat......when I want to eat I just make sure it is on my food plan
4. no heartburn
5. no plantar fasciitis
6. more energy
7. sleeping better
8. lower depression...or treated with exercise and diet if I feel it coming on
9. happier
10. less moody
11. hopeful
12. more confidence
13. made it through a two day, lock us in a room for 16 hours, put sugar treats on every table, training.....and I stayed on plan (only once did I have to ask my co-worker/mother to put her potato chips in her bag and not on the table in front of me)
14. confidence....did I say that?

So with all my gains......the loss on the scale is becoming a secondary benefit.  That fact surprises even me.  I started all this with the goal to lose weight........ 

I am finding the reward is in the gains.

Since starting abstinence 17 days ago,

Starting weight:  April 1:    274

Today's weight:  April 18:  263.......9 lbs in 17 days

Since my highest in February......279.......down 16 lbs total.

Friends....please feel free to leave your thoughts......the support and encouragement is strengthening and I love to hear what things other people are doing for their health.

Clearer

As I was looking at OA literature today I came across this......says what I was trying to say, only better.

What is the connection between food and emotion?

For a compulsive overeater, anorexic or bulimic, eating is attached to emotions. We are never fully satisfied, no matter how much we eat or avoid eating, because we are eating for emotional reasons rather than physical reasons. We eat for excitement, love, celebration, loneliness, escape, pleasure, and comfort. We devour food, purge, or abort eating to anesthetize ourselves. We eat out of anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, fear, pride, guilt, and grief. As the problem worsens, and it always does because this is a progressive disease, the self-destructive impact of overeating begins to far outweigh the temporary pleasure or comfort that eating once brought. For the Anorexic, starvation becomes a way of obtaining that "emotional high" The Bulimic feels that "rush and relief" of the purge cycle. Eventually, some of us do this for so long that we become addicted to an eating pattern for no apparent reason, even when the pleasure has turn to pain.

Week in Review

This week has been CRAZY!  Between the demands of home and work, I didn't think I was going to make it through.  Only made it to three gym workouts.  However, I went through three buffet lines (one at work and two at a work conference) and stuck to my meal plan.  HARD!!!!! Can I get a WOOT!!! WOOT!! 

Stress and returning to old comforts sent my thoughts to the food.  This week I have been feeling very lonely.  This loneliness is the kind that makes me physically ache.  Surprisingly it is not for a person.  At least that is what I tell myself.  I have been missing my friend.  My constant companion.  As I have been shifting my coping mechanisms to meditation, music, exercise, my children.....I have been feeling this gap grow between me and my food.  Am I crazy to miss it?  Should be silly right.  Who misses brownies?  Who climbs in bed and just wishes to be able to commune with a glass of milk and a stack of Oreo cookies.  Or even "healthy" food like my bowl of raspberries and milk that makes me feel close to my grandmother.  The fact that I am missing food makes me see how dysfunctional food has been in my life.  Food has been there when I was in labor with Olaya.  As my support women came to my home, they brought cinnamon rolls, fruit smoothies and chocolate.  After Olaya cam,e we were blessed with meals to sustain us as I was so connected to loving on baby.  Food has kept me alert though the night as I prepared semester end papers, wrote a talk, worked on special gifts for the kids and so forth.  Food is where dates take me so we can talk as we eat and get to know each other.  The kids get good grades and they get pizza hut, Pizza Pie Cafe and Texas Roadhouse meal coupons. A loving friend brought pints of chocolate chocolate chocolate ice cream when I was told I was not chosen to be Belle's mother and she would be taken to Tennessee to live with strangers (luckily we know that didn't last and I am and will always belong to Belle).  I could go on.  Every event in my life, this friend, this constant, has been present.   

So not only has my physical body been cleansing out from the sugar, my emotional self has been experiencing detox withdrawals as well.  These withdrawals have been more painful than the other.  Friday night it was coming on very strong.  I had done my conference presentation (successfully) that day.  I don't know how others are but after a big event is over there is a emotional crash of sorts.  I always feel this after Christmas.  Anyway, I didn't have food to celebrate (or anyone else significant for that matter) the emotional rush and crash with.  Luckily I happened to be talking to my angel mother on the phone regarding the next days events (Belle had a dance competition and I had this conference continuing).  As we spoke, I am sure it was clear to her that I was struggling.  She volunteered to come spend the night with me so she could be here early to help with Belle.  However, the true blessing was that I had her to sleep with that night (king bed so plenty of room).  With my constant friend gone, I needed someone to hold.  She got me though the night.  I sleep with Olaya in my arms.  Yet, knowing mom was close enough to touch was enough to keep me calm.

Saturday I was able to get to my OA meeting.  There my feelings were shared and validated.  They to knew what I was experiencing.  HOME.  They reminded me to call.  Just call TARA!!!  They tell me no need to suffer through it all alone.  This week I am going to be more conscious of when I need to reach out and act on those promptings.

I have learned a great deal this week.  It was tough but I got through it without a binge or turning to my trigger foods.  I know this journey to recovery is going to be long and painful.  I haven't even got to the hard stuff.  However, I am confident I have the people around me that want my success and will do every thing they can to help me get there.   


Things to do this week:

1. Lean on my OA support team by calling when I am feeling the food thoughts coming
2. Get out for just a walk around the block in the evening to get away from household stress
3. PRAY

I would love to hear what you have to think.  Anyone else feel like you are turning your back on your friend when you are choosing to live a more healthy nurturing life??  How have you managed it??  Have you seen the benefits?

Day 14........and already such an adventure.

Found here

Truth

found here

So here it is.......as much trauma this causes me, it is also cleansing, being honest about the person I am, but also the changes I am making.  Back in November was when I started seeking out a way that would work for me to get healthy.  I posted my weight and goals here.  At that point I was 274.  Went through the holidays, another relationship (ended in February) and at some point I managed to hit 279, my highest.  One week ago, when I started abstinence, I was at 272.  Today, much happier and more motivated than ever, I am at 267.  In one week I have lost 5lbs.  Amazing enough my workout time has been cut in half.  It truly has been the food.  Overall, I have lost 12 lbs.  I can handle that. 

Great work out today.  Awake before my alarm went off, I still don't fly out of bed to hit the gym that early.  However, I love the way I feel after.  So I pull myself from my warm snuggly bed and trudge off to the gym.  Never once have I regretted a workout.

So, like we say at the end of OA.......

Keep coming back, it works.

Pinterest found here

Week One Rap Up

I had every intention of getting this posted yesterday but just never found a spare moment and today there have not been many more.  Yet I wanted to get this out there before the high I have been on fades.

Saturday the girls and I participated in our first 5k fun run/walk.  Easter is the one holiday I try to reserve for staying centered on the Savior.  Therefore, I never have been a big fan of community Easter egg hunts.  Not to mention I just don't want the sugar in my home for the kids.  Surprisingly at the last minute I saw this poster for an alternate event to egg hunts.  The Health Department was hosting a 5k and open house. 

We arrived just as the opening whistle blew leaving us to watch the mad rush of people take off.  We unloaded and ran to catch up.  That was my part of the run.....in the run/walk.  By the time we hit the finish line we had passed about 10 people....mostly moms with littles....but we weren't last. 

Contreras Girls @ Finish Line
Olaya was not quite sure what was happening.

The event was amazing.  Lots of goodies.  Healthy snacks.  Balloons. Face Painting.  We are putting it on our agenda to participate again next year.  By then I should be able push the jogging stroller and actually do the run.

I attended my third OA meeting after the fun run. Great meeting.  I learn so much about myself at each one.  Always feeling these people know me better than anyone.....and they don't even know me.  I get recharged and refilled.

Saturday night was my family Easter dinner and birthday for my sister.  I avoided the buffet line and just got a green salad with tuna fish.  When the deserts came out I avoided the kitchen all together, managing to leave the dinner with no guilt or shame.

Sunday after church the kids and I took my mom and two of my siblings to a favorite hiking spot, City Creek.  We hiked for and hour and half.

Things I have learned this week:

1. all my activity in the gym never makes me sore.....one 5k walk (mostly uphill) and I was feeling it all over on Sunday

2. there are people that just can not be happy for your success....they will sabotage with comments like, sure you have done good on your food while at work, but you wont' be able to get through the weekend with that much success....BOOOOOO!!!!

3. not eating wheat has eliminated my heartburn

4. my plantar fascititis is all but gone when I eliminate sugar, wheat and exercise daily


I  realize my success has not been time tested.  I realize at this point my life change is only the next thing in a long list of attempts to gain control of my weight.  I realize however, this time I have support, knowledge and the desire to make sweeping changes to my life....it isn't about my weight anymore.  It is about finding who I am.  It is about my overall health.  It is about sharing healthy choices with my children.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself to see how much I lost thus far.  Hoping for good numbers but already happy with the gains I have made.



Tonight makes 8 times I have rest my head on the pillow with no shame or guilt.  It is a good feeling.  I want more of it.

Stayed Out of It

While I am seeing success in my weight loss and fitness goals, no success in those areas can compensate for failure in my role of motherhood.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I have failed.  However, yesterday, as I was out shopping for Christ centered Easter gifts for my children, I got a call that sent me into a tailspin. 

It sent me to a time when every day was anxious fear waiting for the next phone call detailing the actions of someone I loved.  I left that relationship when I could no longer trust and when the lies and deceit were not what I wanted my young boys to model as they grew.

Out of respect for my children, I won't go into the struggle they are facing right now.  Yet, I have to share that in my struggle to find the best way to process the situation, I was somehow able to stay out of the food.  Traditionally my way to work through EVERY emotion is to eat.  I eat my way through happy, through celebration, through devastation, through sadness.  Give me an emotion and I am sure I have eaten my way through it.

Last night I first felt anger.  I felt fear.  I felt old emotions that I tuck away from the world, from me regarding a time so long ago.  I felt fear.  Fear that stops you.  A fear that makes me question everything I am doing.  A fear that makes me want to run.  I ran back then.  I was not strong enough to face the chaos and disappointment this person brought to our lives no matter how many times we met with counselors or our Bishop or how strong a dose of anti-depressants the Dr. gave me.  I chose to leave instead.  I can not make that decision now.  These are my babies.  Every breathe I take is for them.

I am not so much afraid or angry for what they have done to me......that was always my prime concern way back then.  Now, I fear for them.  I fear the choices they make today will set them down a path that can only bring sorrow and pain upon themselves.

After the fear subsided, as my mind cleared, thoughts turned to the growth they/I can find through this experience.  Initially, they both made a bad choice.  Yet, they were honest when confronted about it and want to account for their actions.  Then comes peace.  A peace that only the light of my Savior can bring.  A knowledge that this is not the end.  This was just a moment.  They are my babies. Recognizing they will have to make mistakes as they grow is not easy for a mother to sit back and watch.  I want to direct them.  Protect them. 

.........................................

Through all of that last night, while all those emotions were spinning, the good and the bad, I kept feeling a desire to turn to the food.  It pulled so strong.  I just kept thinking I could feed the pain I am feeling right now. I can eat until I go numb.

NO.


NO.


NO.

Yesterday made four days of abstinence.  Instead of retreating to the food, I gathered up Olaya, sang and played with her while she bathed.  I sat on my bed in meditation for a few short minutes.  I counted.  I counted my blessings.  I reminded myself of the words I have learned the last few weeks.  The comment my trusted friend text me the previous day of her worth and mine.  Then I reminded myself that no matter what events happen in a day, I was going to rest my head on the pillow with no guilt or shame regarding my food intake.  I pondered the food would only cause me pain in the end and right now I had enough of that to work through already.

I spoke to my mom on the phone briefly and then after the kids went to bed, I took some time and chatted with a friend.  We discussed the events of the night but then moved on to regular every day stuff, not allowing this one little thing to control my thoughts.

Then, this morning, even after my workout buddy was not able to make our workout, I pushed though and went to the gym.  And that was after searching for my keys forever in the house, only to find them outside in the ignition of my unlocked suburban.  (I must have been in a fog last night when I got home).

It is always hard for me to venture to the gym along.  However, today it was blessing.  I was able to crank up my headphones and just fight through all the yuckiness of the night before.

As of this morning, I can safely say, I am down 3lbs.  I didn't weigh on Monday, so it could actually be slightly more.  As I look to day 5 of abstinence, I hope to continue to draw strength from somewhere deep inside.  I am worth this.  I am doing it for me........and I am doing it for my children.

Hopefully next week I will start taking weekly photos of my progress.  Not exactly ready for that quite yet. 

Have a great Friday.

Picture found on pinterest here. 

 

Day Four

Hit the gym this early morning for body pump...weight training class.  Off to great start for day four.

Made it through day three of abstinence.....not without angels here to strengthen me.  At the second meeting I attended for OA, a conversation stuck up between myself and another member.  After a while, realizing we work in the same building, we decided to be a support for one another.  It was great to know between email, the phone and just walking upstairs, I had someone to turn to if I start feeling myself white knuckling.

Tuesday we enjoyed lunch together.  Yesterday, I left my office for just a moment.   Upon my return, I found a beautiful card congratulating me on my journey of abstinence.  Later I text my lifelong friend that has attended the meetings with me.  One comment she text back was that when she wants to eat something on her trigger list, she looks at the food and reminds herself that she is worth far more than that ____________(insert whatever food is a trigger).  Truth!!!

After work yesterday I had every intention of getting a second work out in.  However the demands of motherhood, serving others and home pulled me in other directions.  Balance is a word I have to remind myself of daily.  Also to not shame myself for not getting in the workouts that I want.  To everything there is a season.  I am blessed to be at a point where I can leave early in the morning, while my littles sleep, to take care of me.  That is my undivided time to fill me cup.

So here is to day four of abstinence.  I am down 1 lb but I am feeling better each day.  My thoughts are clearer.  I am more productive at work.  My mind is not held captive by thoughts of food all day.

Tonight, my goal is to rest my head on the pillow knowing I valued myself more than the food.  I will close my yes with no feelings of guilt or shame.

Picture found on pinterest here

Worth It

Quickly, between morning gym workout and hopping in the shower, I want to make a shout out to my trusted workout buddy and friend, Avril.  You encouraged me to get out of bed this morning (which has been extra hard since adding a memory foam topper to my new to me king bed).

Have a great Wednesday everyone.  Day three of abstinence.  I know it is worth it.

Picture found via pinterest here.

I Put My Hand In Yours

I am thankful that I learned that abstinence–not adherence to a particular way of eating–is the goal.

Lifeline Sampler (p. 304)

The last few weeks I have been attending a twelve step program on Saturday.  The idea of going has always been nothing more than a little joke in the back of my thoughts.  Hearing bits and pieces of the program, I had thought maybe it was a place/people I could identify with.

Through a blessed angel, there was an opportunity to attend a meeting two Saturday's ago.  Off and on through the meeting I felt tears swell in my eyes and fall to my cheeks (that may not surprise anyone that knows me).  Most often, in any social, religious or family setting, I feel somehow out of place.  I can say for certain, from the moment I walked in the room, the group members felt like home to me.  Thinking it was because I went to the meeting with two trusted lifelong friends, a the second meeting I felt the same way.

I want to write more, but I see the time is late.  This momma is on a strict sleep schedule to allow for early morning workouts.  I will leave with this.....

I made it through one day of abstinence.  I made it through one day of not giving in to my compulsion to eat through every single emotion I encounter in a day.


"The concept of abstinence is the basis of OA’s program of recovery. By admitting inability to control compulsive eating in the past and abandoning the idea that all one needs is “a little willpower,” it becomes possible to abstain from overeating—one day at a time."

It took me a week to decide what abstinence was going to mean for me.  For each person it is different.  Today I abstained from wheat and sugar.  The tray of double chocolate brownies I made for my children was calling for me as I tried to prepare dinner.  However, I said a prayer, knew I could call one of my group members and was able to count my many blessings until my dinner was ready.  Then I turned to my children and later the computer for positive thoughts. 

Tonight I will close my eyes knowing I succeeded.  I made it through one day of abstinence.  If I can make it through one, I can make it through another.