Friday, May 25, 2012

Week In review

I don't even know where this week went. Seriously. Today is Friday....what happened??? The past five days have been filled with highs and lows.....not so much in the middle ground area.....truly either flying high or crashing down. Is there Prozac for life.....I don't mean for me to ingest it exactly....just give it to my life and say even out a little bit, not so much of the extremes. However, then it wouldn't be me would it?  Kind of an all or nothing girl.  Maybe I can piece it together somewhat........

After work Monday I decided to hit the gym in the evening.  Not normal for me but I needed some time to work things out.  I attended body combat at Gold's Gym.  This is not a new class for me.  I love it.  The cardio part is intense but as is the focus I feel during class.  It makes me feel strong, in control and powerful.  I leave that class dripping in sweat.  This visit was no exception.  Every few months they change the routine.  Last week was when they changed so this was a first time for me with the new moves.....and it kicked my trash I might add.  Jennifer, the instructor is amazing.  She is actually prego.  I kept telling myself if she can do it, so can I.

Isn't she the cutest.  Post workout.

You can almost see her pregnant belly in this one...
.and how mine is 3X her size even.....OK don't look at that so much.
So far she is my favorite instructor.
After body combat I stayed for Zumba.....this time it was much more fun.  They had the lights on and I could actually see the instructor.  Again more sweat.  By the time I left the gym, the entire back of my shirt was wet.  When I got home the kids were making fun of me.  Oh well, it means I worked hard.

Tuesday evening my friend Michele joined me for my regular Tues/Thurs walk.  We hit the neighborhood and then eventually ended up at the park.  My walks are becoming a slight addiction.  The social aspect is the part I enjoy the most.  Each week/time I have walked with someone different (thanks ladies for indulging me when I ask for someone to walk with).  Every one of us has a story.  A battle we have fought.  A war we have won.  A few wars we have lost.  A sadness we carry.  A joy we embrace.  A faith we find comfort in.  Each a unique blessing in my life.  Thanks ladies for sharing your journey with me.  The walks are great physically but the talks lift me emotionally.

Which brings me to Wednesday.  Blessed Wednesday.  I won't share the details of the event....those are her details to share......but I will say I was able to witness and welcome a new life to the world.  Being present for that moment is truly a blessing.  It is one of the most beautiful events to witness in a lifetime....a miracle I can't even begin to find words for. Holding the hand of a friend that I love, a sister, as she labored to bring a new life into this world is one of the moments I will forever cherish.  I will say it took all of Wednesday and some of Thursday.  Baby girl came into this world at 12:02 in the night.  She had plans to pick her own birth date that is for sure.

Shout out to someone special for joining me for lunch at the hospital, saving my children from starving that night and being there to fill my shoes as they went to bed, allowing me to fully experience this moment with no fear of my children burning down the house or running down the street naked (it could happen) while I was absent.

Love you Reagan!!!
Thank you for allowing me to witness a miracle.

Thursday, while operating on 3.5 hours of sleep , was an emotional roller coaster....actually just an emotional crash.  First day of kids out of school, a Dr. appointment for one child that had me in tears, referrals to specialists and scheduling even more appointments, an evening of feeling inadequate, unloved, invisible, insecure and lonely was a stark contrast to the high of the day before.  Evidence that life goes on and is in constant flux.  This momma struggles to find a balance between the roles I carry.....self, mother, friend, daughter, employee, problem solver for others, girlfriend, ex-wife, explorer, addict, recovery, blogger, and on and on.  Do you have those days you just want to run?  the days you wonder what am I doing?  A day that you know someone is going to call you out as a fraud?  A day all your strides towards a goal feel microscopic in the grand scheme of things? 

Yet at the end of that I allowed my eyes to close and my thoughts to quiet.....I was comforted in the knowledge I was ending my day with no guilt or shame for my responses to all that stress.  I didn't act out with food.  I didn't act out by seeking comfort in a man.  I didn't turn to my addictions.  I didn't act out.........and for that, my final thoughts of the day were about peace and gratitude.  Joy in knowing the good is far greater than the bad.  Peace in acceptance that there will be tough times ahead and I, in my weakness, can be made whole and strong.  I repeated out loud in a whisper, One Day At  A Time, Tara....One Day At  A Time.

And today....Friday....well, Friday has carried it's own mess of struggles.  My boys are leaving for two weeks with their dad.  This always leaves me feeling empty, lost.  No matter how many years passes, being separated from my children is hard on me emotionally even though  I know they are fine.  During my lunch hour I was engaged in a beneficial but difficult conversation with someone I have grown to care for quite deeply.  Nearing the end of the work hour I started to old addictive behavior resurfacing.  I found myself trying to find distractions....NOT HEALTHY.  Luckily, all ended it should and I spent the evening loving on my girls.  With the end of the school year, my star student has multiple free dinners to local restaurants.  For tonight she picked Golden Corral (not a pleasant place for me).  I stayed on plan....pan seared shrimp was great with a salad.  Then we ventured to a movie and watched Mirror Mirror.  Olaya only escaped from the theatre and into the lobby once.  Otherwise we were able to watch the entire movie.  Tonight my girls are sleeping with me.  Not so much because I need someone next to me but because Belle also hates when her brothers are gone and needs just a little extra support tonight and well, Olaya, she loves to sleep with Mom any night possible. 

So there is my week.  The five minute version at least.  Tomorrow I am planning for a morning hike up my favorite local trail with my mom and sisters.  Hoping the rain doesn't squelch our plans.

In parting.....I just want to touch for a moment on the topic of failure.  This has been heavy in my heart.  Where do I start?    

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all. In which case, you've failed by default.
J. K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement Address, 2008

I like this quote.  It is no secret that I have failed at loosing weight a hundred times.  I have tried shots, pills, restriction, videos, hypnosis, acupuncture, plans, exercise and nothing seemed to work.  I failed.  I have been married more than once and divorced just as many times.  I have tried to learn how to knit and I just can not do it.  I have taken bowling classes and not matter what I do the only way I break 100 is when the bowling Gods find favor in my efforts and shine down on me.  I have loved and lost.  All these things, all these efforts for what.....?????  Pain? Sorrow?  Growth?  Knowledge?  Appreciation?  So I have failed.  But I keep going....what ever the arena.  I don't want to live an unlived life because I was afraid to fall, afraid to hurt.  Afraid of my past mistakes. God willing, this effort, this journey I am on to health and weight loss will be the avenue to where I can love myself and have a healthy relationship with food.  Will I have set backs?  Of course.  Will I "fail"?  I don't doubt it. 

All those failures....I see them as growth, knowledge, humility.  My story is different than some others.  In love, my story is very different.  I have hurt.  I have lost.  Yet, I refuse to believe I am only to be judged by the failure.  With weight loss, what if this effort was the one that made all the difference.  What if I am able to finally find peace with food and at the same time change my body into something I am more proud of?  What if I stopped trying after the last round of injections I put in my body?  The people I have met in recovery would never have been met.  The growth I have experienced as I have lost weight would never have been known.  I refuse to believe that because I have failed at something in the past, I am not capable of ever finding success in it now.  I don't want to live my life so cautiously that I miss living.  I do believe the true joy I see is out there so long as I continue to fight for it.

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.
I've lost almost 300 games.
Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
 I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
~ Michael Jordan

I have failed over and over again. That is why I succeed.
Found on pinterest here
If you made it to the end of this post I should send you a prize.  Sorry for any typos....basically typed and proof read this late at night.  I hope some of what I puked out made sense. 

One Day At A Time,

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