Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My Crazy

There is something in my head that tells me I am not worthy of certain things.  These thoughts are irrational.  I don't know where or when they started.  I do see them changing, as I am recovering.  Which also means, I am starting to notice them more......my crazy that is.  I guess it is a good thing.

This past weekend my eight year old daughter had a dance competition at Lagoon Amusement Park in Farmington, UT.  I loaded up my four littles (before even the sun was up) and we went to spend the weekend in Salt Lake together.

Heading out I felt I was having a "good hair day".  Never confident in my physical beauty, I did think the stars had aligned and the gods were favorable upon me that day.  At some point, as will most certainly happen, I had to go to the restroom.  To a thin person this probably is not a stressor.  I don't mean going in the restroom is a stressor.  It is the looking in and walking past the mirror part.

Lines for the restroom are always long (similar to the lines for the rides, the food and everything).  As I stand in line, I witness all women wash their hands and then proceed to primp in the mirror.  Everyone does it. . . .well except me.

Somehow, deep inside, this voice says you are not beautiful enough to look in the mirror. What good will primping do?  You are going to look the same!!  Don't let anyone catch you looking in that mirror!!  They will just laugh.  Tara, just walk up to the counter, wash your hands and don't look up.  Don't you dare make eye contact with the person looking back.

IRRATIONAL!!!!  DESTRUCTIVE!!!  Where does that come from????

My first visit to the restroom played out that exact way.  I saw women of all shapes, sizes, colors looking in the mirror and never once did anyone laugh or point at them.  I didn't think any of them were not deserving of looking in the coveted mirror.  Yet that little voice encouraged me to look away and hurry out before anyone noticed me.

The next visit....not really sure what was different......I needed to adjust my ponytail.  Through the day my hair had fallen out and I felt unkept.  As I came out of the stall, I told myself to smile.  Just wash your hands, dry them and then fix your hair and walk on out.  No one will notice.

So that is what I did.  And ya know, no one laughed or told me the mirror wasn't for me.  In fact, a "beautiful" woman standing next to me glanced over and commented she loved my hair.

So there you have it.  A glance into the mind of a "fat girl".  My crazy.  My irrational thoughts that, at times, consume me.

I can say, after that interaction in the restroom, I started to recognize what I was allowing my thoughts to do.  I every bit deserve to look in a mirror.  I do have my own form of beauty....and as much as I am not comfortable with it, people do see it in me as well.

On a positive note......change is a beautiful thing.  Recovery is healing.  Recognizing "my crazy" is a step in the right direction.

Anyone else have irrational thoughts that guide their actions?  What do you do to quiet the negative voices? 


  1. Oh my goodness Tara! I thought I was the only one who felt this way! Great blog, and remember you are worth it! Love ya and keep it up!

  2. This was shared to my facebook email......I was given permission to post this response.......

    I read your blog post today and started to comment there, but then I wasn't sure I wanted everyone to read me comment. :0)

    I think we all have our own areas of self-consciousness...Where we doubt ourselves. I try and remember that scripture in the pearl of great price where Satan tries to convince Moses that he should worship him and calls him "son of Man." (Moses chapter 1). This happens several times and Moses responds that God told him he was created in the image of his only begotten son and basically that he is a child of God.

    There are a lot of times that I think "I don't have friends. No one likes me. I'm too bossy or too controlling, etc., etc." And I start to wonder if there is a place in this world for someone like me. It's a completely negative downward spiral. I recognized myself in you after reading your post. We all have our own "crazy" and the challenge is to always remember that we were created after the image of our Heavenly Father and our Savior. We are children of God and that makes us deserve every last blessing and every good thought. We are special because we are children of God and we should love ourselves too. :0)

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey!!