This past weekend my eight year old daughter had a dance competition at Lagoon Amusement Park in Farmington, UT. I loaded up my four littles (before even the sun was up) and we went to spend the weekend in Salt Lake together.
Heading out I felt I was having a "good hair day". Never confident in my physical beauty, I did think the stars had aligned and the gods were favorable upon me that day. At some point, as will most certainly happen, I had to go to the restroom. To a thin person this probably is not a stressor. I don't mean going in the restroom is a stressor. It is the looking in and walking past the mirror part.
Lines for the restroom are always long (similar to the lines for the rides, the food and everything). As I stand in line, I witness all women wash their hands and then proceed to primp in the mirror. Everyone does it. . . .well except me.
Somehow, deep inside, this voice says you are not beautiful enough to look in the mirror. What good will primping do? You are going to look the same!! Don't let anyone catch you looking in that mirror!! They will just laugh. Tara, just walk up to the counter, wash your hands and don't look up. Don't you dare make eye contact with the person looking back.
IRRATIONAL!!!! DESTRUCTIVE!!! Where does that come from????
My first visit to the restroom played out that exact way. I saw women of all shapes, sizes, colors looking in the mirror and never once did anyone laugh or point at them. I didn't think any of them were not deserving of looking in the coveted mirror. Yet that little voice encouraged me to look away and hurry out before anyone noticed me.
The next visit....not really sure what was different......I needed to adjust my ponytail. Through the day my hair had fallen out and I felt unkept. As I came out of the stall, I told myself to smile. Just wash your hands, dry them and then fix your hair and walk on out. No one will notice.
So that is what I did. And ya know, no one laughed or told me the mirror wasn't for me. In fact, a "beautiful" woman standing next to me glanced over and commented she loved my hair.
So there you have it. A glance into the mind of a "fat girl". My crazy. My irrational thoughts that, at times, consume me.
I can say, after that interaction in the restroom, I started to recognize what I was allowing my thoughts to do. I every bit deserve to look in a mirror. I do have my own form of beauty....and as much as I am not comfortable with it, people do see it in me as well.
On a positive note......change is a beautiful thing. Recovery is healing. Recognizing "my crazy" is a step in the right direction.
Anyone else have irrational thoughts that guide their actions? What do you do to quiet the negative voices?