They say . . .
I'm not feeling very happy or pretty, for that matter, right now. As mentioned in a previous post, I went off plan for a little while. I am still letting a more detailed post percolate before I post it to the blog. Short story, I have struggled for the last week (two weekends) with my food. Exercise is good...not great. That balancing act is always in play, isn't it?
Since Monday I have been abstinent. Three days. Today is day three. 72 hours. (Stinks since I was up to day 34.) One day at a time.
The thing I am learning, wow, those negative thoughts creep in ever so quickly. That voice in my head telling me I don't deserve the success I had in April. Telling me don't throw out those big clothes because you know you will be right back in them in a month or so. The voice telling me I will never experience physical beauty. I hear the voice telling me it was a fluke, the scale was wrong, you were dreaming...you still weigh 274 lbs as you have for the last couple of years.
During my stretch of abstinence, every day I felt stronger, safer. Somehow I thought I could face any food situation and come out on the other end abstinent, un-phased. I now see the error in my thinking. Daily, I read from OA literature. The reading for May 14 reads as follows (timely):
He that is too secure is not safe. Thomas Fuller
Whether I have been abstinent twelve hours or twelve years, I never have it made. Today's recovery is all I have. A compulsive overeater who has had any kind of dieting career knows all too well how suddenly all the wonderful plans can come crashing down.
The one-day-at-a-time philosophy of Overeaters Anonymous is insurance against complacency. It guards against my projecting anything beyond this twenty-four hours. I know I abstinent today, but I cannot tell what I will do tomorrow. This is the attitude that keeps me gratefully abstinent.
FOR TODAY: I am sure only of this day's abstinence. I have no need to plan tomorrow's abstinence or weight loss.So even though I posted I am on day three......I am choosing to be abstinent today. I will fuel my body with the foods it needs. I will listen to my heart when cravings or impulsive food desires surface.
In addition, I just want to thank all those people that support my efforts and the efforts of anyone trying to make a change for the better. Trying to go upstream gets quite a bit of resistence (obviously), even from people that love you and want the best for you. I don't know what it is. Maybe they don't understand why we have to do things "different". They question why we can't just eat normal or just eat less......just do this or that. Well that thinking got me where I am and I don't want to stay here anymore. You know the type. Those that say, "why aren't you happy with things just the way they are?" We all have them in our life. Those that never crossed the road outside of the cross walk. Those that are happy to watch life go by as others take risks and enjoy adventures. This way is not wrong. Those people want only for my/our safety and happines....as they have found it. I love those people. They bring me back at times when "my crazy" takes me to a place even I don't want to go. These people are strong, stable, lighthouses. We need people like this in our life. We need people that encourage our change, as well. People that shout, "You can do it!!!" The ones that say not only will I cheer you on, I will run the race with you. I will pick you up when you fall. I will step back and let you stand when you are strong. Life needs a balance of both. Without the first I could very much be working in a circus right now, seeing the world and meeting exotic people (who am I kidding, I would probably be cleaning up elephant poo). And without the second, I could be trapped in a life that was slowly removing every piece of me until even I could not recognize the person looking back.
I am grateful for a special someone that stops at a restauant before ever taking me there to make sure they have menu items that are on my food plan instead of buying me a box of chocolates as a gift, knowing I have chosen to abstain from them. Someone that encourages me in my fitness efforts even though it limits the time we have together because he knows I am a better me when I fill my cup first instead of someone that demands every moment I have until not even I can find a drop to quinch my thirst. I can only hope to be the person that encourages him in his dreams and daily efforts to take care of him.
I am grateful for you, who ever you are. You don't have a name or a face right now. You do carry a number. I number I see when I log on. I know when you have been here. Quiet. Thinking. Questioning. For what ever reason you come, I am grateful for you. I write to clear the never ending thoughts from my head. I write to commit my thoughts to the world. I write to work out a plan, find and answer and ask more questions. Thank you for giving me a place to do that.
So after all that.........
today 261 lbs.
Lesson learned. Stay the course.