Saturday, May 12, 2012


1. to set again (a broken bone, matter in type, a gemstone, etc)
2. to restore (a gauge, dial, etc) to zero
3. Also: clear to restore

Today is a reset day for me.  I am not going to punish myself for the choices I made yesterday.  The pain and anguish I experienced last night was enough.  With my children out of the home with their respective fathers', I had a planned binge.  My every intention was to spend my time alone at the gym, treating my body to a healthy expression of love.  Instead, I felt alone, scared and inadequate.  Not that I ate my way through the entire night.  I didn't.  I ordered a hamburger meal from McDonald's.  Thought giving myself permission to french fries and a soda was a reward for not breaking down at seeing the girls dad for the first time in 9 months.  I felt peace as I watched Olaya sit on his lap lovingly calling him dad.....this man she has only met a handful of times over her entire two year life time.  I didn't break down.  My heart didn't hurt.  I was filled with forgiveness at the witness of the scene of her cuddled up to him.  I watched Belle share her memories of her recent dance competition.  I watched her jump and dance around at the excitement of having her very own in the flesh dad close enough to touch.  I watched out the window as they all played on the trampoline.....their laughter music to my ears.

So I "celebrated" with my trusted friend.  My friend that would understand the surprise at my reaction to his visit.  My friend that would numb me from feeling the memory of broken promises rise up inside.  My friend that would tell me I am enough for my girls.  My friend that would tell me I will not be alone forever.

Only problem is that trusted friend......not so trusted anymore.  Didn't give me what I needed this time.  Instead I felt guilt.  I felt shame.  I felt regret.  Just from eating a hamburger, large fry and a few sips of my drink, my stomach physically hurt all night.  My body reacted with rejection of what I put in it.  I tried to tell it to remember how great those foods were, how good they felt feeding my needs.  No.  Not going to have it.  I hurt.  I hurt emotionally.  I hurt physically.  I woke through the night in discomfort.

So, with a little forgiveness and a touch of humility, I woke with the knowledge that today is a new day.  Today is a day to begin again.  To love who I am.  To be grateful my girls have this time with their dad.  To be grateful Olaya has taken to her father as if they have never been apart.  It reminds me of the time Belle was away from me for 6 months before I could adopt her.  When we were reunited it was as if no time had ever past.  She was mine and I was hers.  I can only imagine it is the same for Olaya and Betz.  They are a part of each other.  That bond can never be broken.  I can not wish for it to be any different.

Today, with the sun radiating, I walked, I talked, I ran.  My mom and my sister were there.  My friend Kathy was on the trail as well.  I prayed, asking for a new start.  A reset my journey.  We walked up the trail ..........

Map DataMap data ©2012 Google - Terms of Use
Map Data
Map data ©2012 Google
Map data ©2012 Google
500 m
2000 ft

4630 ft Start Elev
4967.0 ft Max Elev
338.0 ft Gain
Description of this Walk

1 comment:

  1. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing and strong woman. You are a wonderful mother. Isn't it amazing how quickly our bodies reject thecomfort foods we once enjoyed. Hang in there. Love you