As for the future, your task is not to foresee, but to enable it. Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The way I plan for the future today is different from the way dictated by my compulsive overearter thinking. In those days I had things backward, I incessantly planned the outcome, but I was paralysed when it came to taking the action. Today I am willing to do the footwork. I ask God for the courage to look for and accept my defects and the willingness to ask for their removal.
That is my task as far as my future is concerned. I change myself in order to live at peace with whatever the future brings, not to decide what the future will be.
For today: As wishful thinking and day dreaming become less frequent, I know I am recovering.I am grateful for these thoughts today. I find myself often planning into the distant future while not able to make it through the current hour without fear and panic. This goes along with part of the discussion at my latest OA meeting. There was some focus on acting not reacting to life. I do need to act more. This is hard when things come at me from what seems like nowhere. I get thrown off balance and panic for a moment to find my footing. Have you ever faced a conversation and as the other person spoke, you could feel the air in the room abandon you? Your arms start reaching out, eyes closed. Well, when those moments happen I have to learn how to act.My natural tendency is to reach out for old comforts. Not being alone. Calling a man. Calling on my female friends. Getting in the company of others. Which being with others is not bad if is not as an escape to being alone with myself.
Which brings me back to the thought for today. I can easily see being with others in my future, maybe even sharing my life with someone. I just don't know how to get through today on my own......or I do know how.....I just need to feel it out. Not be paralysed with fear, which I am not (most of the time). I need to be comfortable being alone at times. My nature is to surround myself with people I love. So for the next little while I am working on asking my Father to give me the courage to accept my defects and ask for their removal. I know that through him I will be made strong/whole. In seeking solitude, I must find peace with being alone.
In other news:
I am doing well getting back to abstinence. My head is back in it. My goals for the week are:
- Attend minimum of three (shooting for five) early morning workouts at Gold's
- Attend body combat once during the week (evening class)
- Drink gallon of water a day
- Walk a minimum of 15 miles this week -translation 5, 3 miles walks
- Eat all my vegetables in my plan
- Meditate for 10 minutes every day (this one will be hard)
- Not act out with food or other behaviors when things get hard
- To bed before 9:30 every night (in order to make my 4:30 wake up)